Post II today

Ya know...what happened to customer service? What happened to kindness? Concern? Consideration?

I am just annoyed.

Annoyed.

I want people to be nice. When people are nice, it makes others nice. When people look at you like "what the (*&^ do you want?"....it makes you want to punch them. lol

I'll get over it. No biggy. Breathing now.

Grumpy

Today's post is a copy and paste of an email I just sent a friend. Sorry for the language.

Hi - I got out of work, ran to Newington to get more bloodwork done and then to Dover to get a prescription that I didn't need because I already had it (nevermind) and then went to Payless to get Jake socks and they didn't have his size again. So to sum it up; the lab chick was on drugs; the drugstore misinformed me; the bitch at Payless wanted me to drive back over to the store later when their inventory was done.......this all just cemented my shit attitude for the day. Then I get to the intersection in Somersworth and there is this man all bundled up holding a "homeless, out of work" sign. I have seen him in Somersworth before and today I was able to pass him a couple of bucks and wish him luck. Now don't burst my bubble and tell me he's a scammer or druggy or whatever - I don't wanna hear it. I got to do something nice after being ugly all day. Know what I mean?

Annoyed

I really don't feel like getting in to it. Just know that I have been sick off and on since November and have been diagnosed with Mono. Went for a follow up at the ENT tonight and I'm getting my tonsils out in February. Really? I mean...really? Just one thing after another. I'm so discouraged with my life.

Enough whining for now.

Doris

Sick again.

The week of Veteran's Day I had ear infections and a sinus infection. I got over it. Now it is all back in a big way. Can't remember being so sick. I'm totally wiped out. Tried going to work today, but my boss sent me home. Thank God. I got home and went straight back to bed. Right now I am sitting near the Christmas tree with a window open and enjoying the warm breeze. Sipping orange juice. It is December 3rd and it is 59 degrees outside.

I am very troubled lately. Not by my own issues, but those of others. I'm not the type to sit back and be quiet when someone is hurting. Divorce has a horrible ripple effect. It hurts many. And, (without selfish intentions), the couple who gets divorced has no idea how far away, or how nearby the ripples travel. How to help? How to make your love and support known? I don't know. How many times can you say "I'm here if you need to talk"? When do you inject your own opinions, thoughts and feelings and when do you step back.....let the ripples flow?

I was raised in a home where hugs were rare. It was also rare to hear "I love you" from a parent, nevermind from a sibling. I DO NOT WANT THAT CYCLE TO CONTINUE with my son or my neices and nephews. I think I've done a great job of ensuring that with Jake, but I don't know how it is for the rest of the family.

I've gotta get to bed. My ears hurt and my head is throbbing from coughing all day.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Yay me!

Saw Dr. Stenslie tonight - awesome session and I feel great about things.

Gotta get to bed.

Will write more soon.

Yucky

Ok so I came down sick on Saturday and I'm starting to get over it now. I'm out of work until Thursday. Sinus infection, double ear infections and a barking cough.

On top of that, Sunday night I missed a step and took a very hard fall at the apartment. My left side is so bruised and I'm in a lot of pain. I feel like I'm 90.

I don't even feel like typing tonight. I can't think straight.

Life is what you make it. I need to make mine better. I wish I knew how to accomplish that.

Update

My friend Cindi pointed out today that I haven't blogged recently. Here I am; blogging :-)

My concern herein: On October 26th I saw Dr. Hammond, my Oncologist at Exeter Hospital. All blood work came back great. He was impressed with my reconstruction and said "Someone might be able to tell you've had surgery, but they will never guess you went through a mastectomy." These words were liberating to me. I had some validation that I in fact do look relatively normal now. This is awesome!

Back to my concern (yes, I know I digress) - I didn't blog about the appointment. I didn't even think to blog about it. Dare I say I've moved on from being convinced that each appointment may bring on another diagnosis of the "C" word to the opposite extreme of falling in to a false sense of security and thinking I am "in the clear" from here on? Lord only knows.

Moving on: Yahoo says we spend 5 years of our lives eating. Based on the severe (yes, 100's if not 1,000's of calories per setting) bingeing I have experienced the past three nights, I would have to add another year or two to my personal total. I do not know where this is coming from. I'm taking this problem day by day and trying to put each day behind me and hope that the next day will include less eating. I will work on this. I will fix it. I have to. There is no way in hell I'm going to re-gain the 20+ pounds which I have lost. Gotta regroup - gotta re-focus. Nothing tastes as good as being thin and healthy feels!

Got my little man back with me tonight. He was with his dad for 5 days and will now be with me for 5. Poor lil' guy has a case of the sniffles.

Ok I'm signing off for the night. As always, thank you for checking in on me.
Doris

Truly blessed.

Today I attended the Somersworth Children's International Festival Craft Festival. Cara and I had a table with Jewels by Park Lane. While the foot traffic was a bit light, I got to see some people I love very very much and I know they love me too.

First I saw Beatrice when I went in for my morning coffee and after that I got to see Aunt Bonnie and Oscar.

Frankly, the love I felt today could keep me warm for years. I am truly blessed to have incredible people in my life who, even if we don't see each other on a regular basis, love me and I love them.

Thank you for the hugs. Thank you for the tears of joy. Thank you for the love and support that even time could not deter.

Doris

R.I.P.

Ann Morrill, a former co-worker of mine passed away yesterday morning. We were notified this morning.

That's it for today.

I'm such a goober!

I corrected my previous post. My NEW email is dorislachance@gmail.com

Yes, another post....

....anxiety is back.
I have chewed my nails to the beds.
I am learning about "Dopamine Deficiency" - it is very interesting. I am going to talk to my doctor about it and schedule the blood test. Who knows.
I am definitely out of sorts. And ya know what? I am SO sick and tired of feeling sick and tired.
Ok - I'm heading to bed.
I do need to figure out how to change my email address for people to comment on my blog. I'll let you know as soon as it is done.
Doris

Scratch that -

My new email address is: dorislachance@gmail.com
My new phone number is: 603-905-9081
My new mailing address is: PO Box 27, Barrington, NH 03825

Thanks,
Doris

Update

All is well on this end. My temporary email is: drocka39@gmail.com
My metrocast account has been shut off.

I'm adapting to the new apartment and Jake loves it here.

I'm seeing my new psychiatrist tomorrow - time to start working on some things.

Thanks for checking in on me.
Doris

Depression.

It sucks.
It is upredictable.
It hits at random times.

So very happy to have Jake back with me for 5 days.
He's having a little trouble falling asleep, but is otherwise doing well.

Doris

Confession time.

I grabbed some groceries tonight before coming home. Then I got here. All by myself. And I binged. Not a minor thing - a full on binge. Major caloric intake. But instead of beating myself up over it, I'm going to try to let today go and move forward. Tomorrow is a new day.

I can't wait to have Jake back here tomorrow night. It will be his first night at the new apartment. Samantha is staying over as well, so it should be a great night.

I am heading to bed early. I am so tired.

Hoping to get the stitches removed on Thursday. I think the healing process has improved.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Quick Note

Went to see Sue LaFlamme today at Dr. Marble's office. Was able to have the nipple sutures removed, but not the long incision sutures. I may have over done it a bit with the first stage of packing and moving. Took today off and packed while my mom cleaned. It was a productive day.

Tomorrow morning at 8:30 some of my siblings will be here to move me. Hopefully Sunday will be nice enough to go to the Deerfield Fair for a few hours.

I think that's it for now.

Thanks for checking in!!!
Doris

Deep thoughts for today.

#1. For the first time since Dan and I split, I am going out with a friend on a night that I have Jake. Of course he is totally fine with it, because he gets to hang out with his cousin. I feel guilty!!!! It's not a date - it's my friend Kim and I venturing out to the Rochester Fair. But still....it's a huge step for me.

#2. I think about...ok..analyze people and relationships. I reflect back on things and take in the things I see around me. I hope they don't mind me mentioning them, but my ex-in laws, Russell and Beatrice are quite a team. I've wondered what it is about them that gives me a sense that there is true love and devotion out there for all of us. Russell and Beatrice have been married for a long time - and they STILL hold hands when walking together. They STILL leave little notes for each other on the kitchen table before/after work. They DO NOT take each other for granted. They TREASURE their moments together and their time on this earth. And...they have a very strong, educated faith. I think people can learn a lot from couples like Russ and Bea.

Thanks for checking in. I'm going to cheat a little on the diet and enjoy some fried dough tonight ;-)

Discouragement

Yes - I know I should be grateful. I should be happy. I should feel....great. Right now I feel like hell. I am so tired. I feel mentally and physically lethargic.

I have not been following my diet since Friday and maybe that is affecting things? I'm not sure. The nurses kept telling me that following my diet right now is the last thing I should be thinking about. I know, I know. I'm 24.4lbs down and I should be proud of what I have accomplished so far, but right now I'm feeling down and discouraged.

I need to breathe. Get back to work tomorrow and get back into my routine. It's just a little funk.

So I've gotta get the apartment packed and I'm at a disadvantage there until the stitches are healed, but Laura wants to start moving stuff on Wednesday. My mom has done a bunch of packing of Jake's room.

Ok - I'm feeling overwhelmed. I'm trying to heal; trying to pack; trying to sell Miche Bags and trying to sell Jewels by Park Lane all at once. Can't do it all at once. Need to put some things on the back burner - temporarily. I think I'm finally heading in the right direction, but gotta just put the brakes on and get the short list done and then I can move on.

I'm probably rambling. It all makes sense to me. Sort of.

Recuperating

That's how you spell it right? lol

No pain meds today. Taking it easy....my mom stayed over last night and I think she likes playing care-giver!!! She made me a protein and carb packed dinner and brought too many cookies! The doctor and nurses told me not to focus on my diet/weight loss for a couple of days. Gotta get in the protein for healing.

The incisions are quite painful, but it's all good. I'm told I have a high threshold for pain. Just using ice packs and relaxing.

So the surgery went fine and they removed the 600cc silicone implant and replaced it with a 480cc silicone implant. Although there is some swelling, the left one is now pretty much in proportion with the right. YAY! lol

The nipple is....ok.....very, very, very painful. I'm not one to sugar coat things right? I've been through much worse, so I can deal with it. Applying bacitracin to the area twice a day. Each day will get a little better.

Thanks for checking in on my me.
Doris

Success

Surgery was a little over an hour. I was home by around 3:30.

I will check in over the weekend when I'm a little more alert and add more.

Thanks for checking in on me.

Doris

September 11th

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.youtube.com%2Fwatch%3Fv%3DlHstQv8C2zQ%26feature%3Dfvw&h=8336bbea8ec29dbe85d547c4c4ad7eb9


I hope you will take 4 1/2 minutes to view this. Today I have avoided - that's right, intentionally avoided - watching any news today. But my neice Sam posted this on her Facebook page and I just watched it.

Those before me know where they were when MLK Jr was killed...or JFK....and Elvis. I know where I was when one space shuttle exploded and where I was when the second shuttle exploded on re-entry. And I know where I was on 9/11/01:

I stayed home from work, exhausted. I was 8 months pregnant with Jake and I was so huge and swollen. I slept late. Got up around 9:30 and thought I was having a nightmare - every channel on the t.v. was covering this "attack"....I sat on the edge of my recliner and just watched footage and cried.

I was scared. Scared for those who didn't survive. Scared for those who could not find their loved ones. Just plain scared. And then....I started questioning myself and wondering why I was bringing an innocent baby into this dysfunctional world. I talked to my mother-in-law Beatrice to try to get some consolation from our faith. But the questions and confusion continued.

One of the most terrifying days of my life. Always remember. Never forget.

Doris

I keep forgetting that I am truly blessed!

I have a job, a dependable vehicle, a roof over my head, food in my refrigerator, an awesome son who is healthy and happy and friends and family who love me!!!

Tonight I told Jacob about our move. I had to explain to him that much like Daddy and I are better parents to him when we are apart, that Laura and Ed have decided they too are better apart. He is excited that we will be living with Laura and that Samantha will hopefully be with us on occasion as well. He is even more thrilled to have a yard that he can play in and won't be falling asleep to the sounds of tractor trailer trucks flying down Route 4!!!

We will both miss my current landlord a great deal. Brian is a great man who has made sure we were safe and happy. He is more than just our landlord; he is our friend. I told Jake that we can still stop in and visit him at anytime. And thanks to email, I will continue to stay in touch with him.

I saw my new psychiatrist today. He is good. He knows his stuff. I think I'll be able to work through a lot of stuff and let things go. Things that suck the life out of me every once in awhile. lol

Ok...let's see....I guess that's it for now. Thanks for checking in on me.
Doris

Life is about change right?

My sister Laura and my brother in law Ed are getting divorced after...boy...about 20 years of marriage.

This time of year brings me down - autumn. My father's favorite season. Dan's favorite season. My favorite season. But maybe not. It seems like autumn is "the end." But I love watching the snow fall. Yes, I'm feeling melancholy today.

I had blood drawn today for my pre-op physical on the 15th. Surgery is the 18th.

Moving into a new place on or about the first of October. Long story which I'll get in to later. Will still be in Barrington, just a new place.

After I have explained everything to Jake and hope that he accepts the changes, I'll update my blog.

Thanks for checking in on me. I know I sound kinda' "flat" today - but honestly it's all good. :-)

Surgery scheduled.

My (final?!!!!) reconstruction is scheduled for 9/18. I may have to change the date if Dan and Jenn can't take Jake for the weekend, we'll see.

I'm a bit frazzled. Lots of stuff going on in my head. Just gotta work through some stuff.

I'll explain more as I feel comfortable.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Have I changed?

I don't know. Am I older...wiser?.....I don't know.

I can tell you that Jake, Dan and Jenn went on vacation to Florida for the week and just got back yesterday. Jake had a great time. I can't wait to see some photos. I also can't wait to go pick him up after work on Wednesday - I have missed him so much!!

Let's see.......what to cover here.....Ok - I am following a weight loss program that has helped me to lose 16lbs in about 5 weeks. Due to the expense of this program, I can't stick with it. However....I have to be prepared to follow a healthy diet and exercise program. I'm running a lot of stuff through my mind...but I need to put the plan in writing and continue the forward momentum. (How ironic....the Weight Watchers program is called "Momentum"...hmmm maybe that's a sign....)

I saw Dr. Marble (my plastic surgeon) and her assistant Sue LaFlamme on Wednesday. I love these women...this offfice. Everyone is so kind. And so full of positive energy. It only took a brief feel-up (LOL!!!!) and discussion to move forward with scheduling my next (final I hope!!) reconstruction. This will consist of removing the existing left implant which is too large in comparison to the right. And construction of a nipple. This is out patient surgery and won't effect my work schedule other then a day or two out. Then once the stitches are healed, they will tattoo the breast and complete the nipple. I am hoping that this procedure will help me to feel more normal - like a woman. I feel like a freak as I am right now. And although of course I know I am not, it is a tough thing to look at in the mirror. The scars have faded....but my body still screams "I had major breast reconstruction!!!!!!" I and I detest that.

I am seeing a new Psychiatrist tomorrow. This man comes very highly recommended and I am eager to meet him. I don't want anyone who reads this to think that "Doris is nutty" because that is not the case. What I have learned is that I have clinical depression which is caused by a chemical imbalance ---- not caused by being fat, getting divorced, anything like that. When I reflect back....I've been depressed since the 80's and it went undetected. For the most part I have learned to control what I can, and let go of what I can not. These are huge steps for me. But I still have times where (when Jake is with his dad and I'm alone) I just don't feel like I have a reason to get out of bed. But again....even this has improved.

I want to thank everyone for their prayers and support - not only of me, but of those whom I mention in my blog. My friend Dawn is a survivor!!! Her recent tumor marker was a 7 and she is done with treatments. I'm so proud of you Dawn!!!

Summer is supposedly coming to an end - but this weekends heat and humidity says otherwise. Unlike some of my friends (Lisa, Cindi...) I don't enjoy this weather. I'm looking forward to my favorite season....Fall.

I think that's it for today. Thanks for checking in on me - you are all very special people!!

I'm a survivor.

Today....I am officially a 1 year Breast Cancer Survivor.

Hoooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooorah!

wow

Feeling good.
Things are good.
Got the news that I knew was inevitable on Monday. Dan will be a daddy again. This did not rattle me too much, but instead I felt genuine happiness and excitement for them. It is something that I once had in a relationship and I know how great it can be. Jake is thrilled and as long as Dan and I are able to maintain our vested interest in keeping him safe, healthy, and happy, that is all that matters.
Good night.

Yay Me!!!

Yesterday's check up with Dr. Palladino went great. I got another clean bill of health. Yahoo!!!

Anxiety makes me bitchy.

Tomorrow at 1:35 I have my 6 month exam with Dr. Palladino. Since more time has passed and my first 6 month checkup was perfect, I am a little less stressed about this one. But...as I told my chiropractor tonight....once you've been diagnosed once...it is always in the back of your mind.

Jake asked me tonight how long I would have to keep getting checked and I said "For a long time buddy" and he said "Oh so..until you're like 69?" and I said "yeah, something like that" and I laughed. I told him not to worry about me and that I'm sure I am fine.

Yesterday I got nailed with a severe migraine. I still have lingering pain in my temples and my neck and shoulders are sore. My chiropractor gave me an awesome adjustment so I'm going to grab an ice pack and head to bed to read and relax.

OH!! I have to brag!!! I LOVE doing work searches. And guess what?? So does Jake!! It is a great way for him to practice his reading and tonight he said "mommy word searches are so addicting!!" That's my boy!

Thanks for checking in,
Dori

My purpose or calling?

Volunteering keeps popping in to my head. Not sure how or where. Maybe support for other Breast Cancer patients? I don't know.

If anyone has suggestions, please let me know.

Stayed home from work today with a brutal migraine. Pretty sure it's weather related. Gotta get back to work tomorrow!!

Doris

Success!!!

Inner peace achieved!!!

It's almost 8 p.m. and I'm heading to bed soon. Jake and I had an incredible weekend!!! I got a bit too much sun, so I need to go find the aloe in the fridge!!!

Tomorrow I return to work after what seems like the fastest vacation ever!! I'm looking forward to going back - that is a great feeling in and of itself.

Life is great. Life is really great.

I am blessed

Definitely blessed.

I have my son back with me for the weekend. Thank God. Sometimes I can handle the separation; other times I feel like without him I am unable to function. This is an emotion which has decreased considerably over time, but still creeps in once in awhile.

I just love him so much. Want him to be healthy and happy. Isn't that what all parents want for their children?

Heading to bed. Thanks for checking in.

p.s. Someone sent me an email today and referred to my disappointment in my earlier blog entry. When someone refers to my blog....it warms my heart. Words can not express my appreciation and love for those who still check in on me. Thank you :-) Divorce can never take away the love I have for you.
Doris

p.s.

Another realization - based upon yesterdays entry: I block things out. I have been blocking out experiences all my life. I am assuming this is a survival mechanism. Block it out - it never happened - it can't hurt you if you can't recall it.

Because I blocked out an experience that happened less then a year ago, I let someone back in my life who is not good for me. It is not a healthy relationship. So I learned it again.

Funny, that I protect my son - keep him shielded from the real world. I protect him because I don't want him to experience hurt or pain. I know these things will happen in his life eventually. I guess I think I'm doing him a favor. I don't know.

But yet I do not take the same care for myself. Instead, I open up too soon - too quickly. I need to give myself the same care and consideration that I do my son. He is worth it. I am worth it.

Realizations

When these things come to mind, I'll try to blog them - to give me some peace.

Vacation is not about how much money you spend, where you go or what you do. A vacation is about what you ACHIEVE. Right now...at this moment....I have achieved a great feeling of calm and relaxation. Yeah, it's a good vacation!

On vacation

- it's good to have some time off. Not much to show for it at this point, but I will work on that.

Right now I am feeling defeated and disappointed. Long story, but it shall pass. Gotta stop reaching our to the wrong people. Gotta stop thinking that leopareds change their spots.

When I was young...

...I thought life got easier when we grew up.

Why in God's name was life so difficult when I was young that I would have this impression?

My parents worked full time. Owned a home. Always had at least one truck and one car in the driveway. Did I think this equated to happiness? Easyness? WRONG. Oh to be young again!

I made a mistake tonight that will cause me not to sleep. I got really upset that Jake was not allowed to go on the beach field trip today. Long story short, I'm the one who screwed up. I feel like a fool and I disappointed my son. I broke down crying in the truck and he hugged me and cried too. I think we are both tired.

I will apologize at his daycare again in the morning. But God I feel like an idiot. I need a vacation.

Moving on

I just wanted to quickly check in. Tonight has become a little emotional for me. I'm just tired I guess.

I am on vacation next week - the first time since Jake was a toddler. I'm hoping for some good weather so I can get away for some camping, fresh air and a good book.

Thanks for checking in.

Decided to blog...

..I'm in some emotional turmoil. Some I can share, and it may help alleviate some of the pain. Some will have to remain in my head.

Work is fine. I mean..as fine as it can be when you work at a high school and graduation is a week and a half away.

Jake is awesome. He always is. He is my little rock.

I've been having flashbacks. Some that go back to childhood. Some just a few years old. Tonight...I remembered Jake's Birthday party....the one where Dan and I were getting divorced. The pain was so fresh. The fear so powerful. But we worked side by side in the house we had built for us and we got through the party and my son had a great time. And then when my in-law family left that day I knew that I may well not see them again for quite some time. I remember hugging my neice Emma and trying not to cry. Knowing that this was goodbye. And then when everyone left, Dan only stayed for a short time. Then he said goodbye to our son and drove down the driveway and I stared at his tail lights and prayed he would turn around and come back to us. He did not.

And.....he's not coming back. And I need to let go.

The pain of a broken heart is never truly forgotten. Sometimes a fleeting memory brings all that pain right back. It is both physical and emotional.

Maybe all this time...ok...all this time I've been waiting for him to come back to us. Time to let him go.

My son is healthy and happy. This is what matters.

I have a lot of work to do on me. I'm going to start a personal 'to do' list.

Signing off for now. Too emotional.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Hi!!

Camping was great. I DID IT!!!!! All by myself! Yay me!! I put the tent up myself. I had my own fire. I fed myself. I slept on a useless foam pad and froze my butt off!!! Yup...it was great!!! Note to self: bring the air mattress next time as well as more blankies!!!!

Tonight I have to check in at the Frisbie Sleep Clinic at 8:30. I had this done about 6 years ago, but my new ear nose and throat doctor, Doctor White, wants new tests. I already know I have sleep apnea but I want another option for treatment, as I will not use the CPAP machine they set me up with. So I'm on my way (cross my fingers) to getting my sleep problems under control.

If I can get my sleep disorder corrected......I may actually be able to wake up in the morning without hitting the snooze alarm 8 times or still feeling exhausted even after 8 hours of sleep.

Tomorrow is also another huge step - I am seeing a psychiatrist. There are things in my past that I need to work through and there is a bright future ahead.

I think that's it for now. I need to get a few things done around here and get my stuff packed for the night.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Peaceful, quiet, calm....

or is it stressed, tired and depressed?

I don't know anymore. Or at least....at this moment.

Work is stressful and I am very physically and mentally tired. I had two meltdowns at work today - one in my boss's office. I hate that. But he handled it well. lol

Tonight is my last night with Jake for about a week. I am sooooo going to miss him. This makes me sad.

I have started a mental checklist of camping needs.....I'll start putting things on paper when I head to bed.

When my mom stopped over tonight one of the first things she said with great concern was 'Are you ok?' ---- I said "yes, just tired....maybe it's allergies" My sister called a little while later and said "everything ok?" and I said "yes, but I am exhausted...maybe it's allergies, but I have not feel THIS kind of exhaustion since last year.....during chemo"

Still looking forward to my mini vacation this weekend. Life is good. Some days it is just a little harder to see and feel it.

Doris

Sympathy pains.

My friend and co-worker Dawn is back at work. I stopped in to see her this morning. I will respect her privacy and not go into details, however the bruises on her arms from the many needles she has been stuck with are a painful and constant reminder of the battle she is facing.

I know these pains. I want to help. I'll just keep praying for her.

I am taking probably one of the biggest personal steps of my life. Some may find it to be no big deal, while others respond with great support and enthusiasm -- I am going camping by myself this weekend. I made the reservation for one night and I hope to be able to simply get away, breathe, relax...and do something on my own without depending on anyone else to get me there, get me set up, or get me to relax. This weekend is truly going to be - all about me!

Jake and I had an incredible 3 day holiday weekend. We were so busy that we both would be in bed asleep early each night. We had family quality time and fresh air and exercise and it was perfect. He is such an incredible little person!

My second visit with the Hypnotherapist did not seem to go as well. Don't get me wrong, I've not changed my mind about her, or about this type of "treatment." I just think it was more of an eye opener and I know I have a lot of work to do to improve my physical and mental well being. I did enjoy about 2 weeks without any binge eating and I do see myself making small steps to improve upon bad habits. The incredible momentum I experienced after the first session seemed to fizzle after the second session. I am trying to reach deep within my self to work through things, but this will take time. I did not get this way overnight - I will not come out of it overnight. I do know (finally) that I am a worthy person - and I am worth the effort.

I realize sometimes my entries are a bit cryptic, but I think that is my way of protecting myself from opening up too much.

I can say that I've had Jake for an extended stay while his dad and step mom are on vacation. I'm going to feel lost without him again. It is so nice having him around.

I think that's about it for now. Work is very stressful during this time of year but I'm trying to keep it in perspective.

I'll write soon.
Doris

Happy Friday

Ok so...I'm really glad I kept my blog title so simple = doris lachance's story. Because even though I began my story with a diagnosis of breast cancer, my story continues. I know I mentioned that the hypnotherapy experience was life changing. Well...I continue to feel that and am amazed by how I feel physically and emotionally.

I'm 42 years old and I'm finally learning who I am and growing emotionally. Life changing.

If you missed the documentary tonight on Farrah Fawcett, I hope you are able to watch it in the future. This show was so poignant and so genuine and so touching. God Bless Farrah Fawcett. She has fought an incredible fight.

Tomorrow I have a second hypnotherapy session. I'll update my blog over the weekend.

Please say a prayer for Dawn Baker - she will start her treatments for pancreatic cancer next week. Love ya' Dawn!!

Doris

Are you ready for this?

"When life hands you lemons...make lemonade!!!"
"Don't let the turkeys get you down!!!"

Yup..that's right...I'm learning the art of optimism. It is a great feeling. Very new to me, but that's ok - moving forward is empowering!

My weekend with Jake was phenomenal (btw..that's my new favorite word!). We had a lot of quality time and lots of fresh air and exercise. My Mother's Day was the best! My family got together at my mom's for the day. Jake requested that we "go to Grammy's early" - he likes being the first one to arrive and the last one to leave!! We got to my mom's at 10 a.m. and didn't leave until nearly 6 last night. We both slept like rocks last night!

My eating habits continue to change and improve since my hypnotherapy session. I am still not binge eating. I'm craving fresh strawberries - wild huh?? lol!!

That's it for today. I feel great. Mentally..physically...emotionally. Life is good.

Infidelity

I'm watching a fascinating 20/20 about infidelity. Fascinating. Validating. Very fascinating.

Not sure what to say.

Let's see....I went to a hypnotherapist on Saturday. This was indeed a life changing experience. Although I won't get into explicit details, I can say that this woman was able to help me address both new and old issues. One thing I am more then proud to speak of now was her ability to help me turn off the 'switch' in my head that was triggering binge eating.

Binge eating is something I have done privately since I met my first husband Eric. And this practice continued right up until Saturday. In addition, I have not had a migraine since Saturday. Connected? Not sure. Grateful? Beyond words!

That is why Weight Watchers and any other weight loss program have never worked for me in the long term. Eventually, the little demon in my head steers me to a binge of junk food. This binge leads to a feeling of guilt and disappointment in myself which then spirals in to quitting the weight loss program entirely because I don't feel "worthy." It is a huge step for me to even write about this in any detail. It is truly liberating.

I was a skeptic. I went to her thinking "I'm one of those people you can't hypnotize." Thank God I was wrong. This was a worthy investment in myself. The better person I can be for me, the better person I can be for those who need and depend on me.

I spoke with Sue (the Hypnotherapist) on the phone last night. She said she was proud of me and that I accomplished "a lot of work" in one session. I told her about not binge eating and she was thrilled. She explained to me that the binge eating was a learned process - a habit and that now it will take time to get used to the habit of NOT wanting to eat all the time.

During my session, Sue had me take control of longstanding issues by turning "switches" and "knobs" in the 'control room' of my mind. I know this may sound a bit weird. All I can say is....it worked. It worked...IT WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I will keep you posted as this new journey of self discovery holds great promise for me and I want to share the experiences.

Doris

Please spread the word!

http://www.wmur.com/asseenon/19207571/detail.html

Wow

I found a hypnotherapist. My first appointment is Saturday. Maybe I can stop talking about changing my life and finally do it.

Please keep Pat and Ed Kelvington in your prayers.
Please keep Dawn Baker in your prayers.

Thanks,
Doris

Another day.

It's already Tuesday night. The week is moving too fast. See....it's vacation week at my school. It's supposed to be a week for me to enjoy the peace and quiet of no teachers and no students. I get to do my own thing. But that's not happening. Too much going on. I guess I shouldn't complain - job security right?? lol

In the blink of an eye it will be time for high school graduation. My niece Samantha will be graduating. Very cool.

I don't really have much to say tonight. Ok....I REALLY want to get hypnotized. For two reasons - one is to try to reach deep down in my subconscious and figure out what happened to me as a kid. Secondly (I know - totally different, but possibly connected???) I would like to see if hypnosis could help me with my eating (bingeing) disorder. Ironically enough a new hypnosis office opened in my area. I'm going to call them tomorrow. Who knows right?

Another migraine today. Honestly, I have lost track of how many I have had in the past two months. I'm seeing my PCP on the 30th so it's time to regain control of this situation.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Cancer..CANcer...CANCER!!!

This diagnosis has become all too common. It scares the hell out of me. It scares me because I'm a survivor; it could have killed me. It still could kill me. I'm a survivor. I heard those words. Said to ME. Told to ME. It can happen to any one of us. When I hear of another diagnosis, I feel that person's fear. I am reminded of how it felt.

I just don't understand why we are put through such hell.

I'm sorry - I know this is not a positive entry. It's been on my mind. Had to let it go. Thought writing it down might help.

The weekend was phenomenal. Quality time with Jake, my family and my friend Nora.

Right now I have my windows open enjoying the breeze. The neighbors dog is in the back yard barking. He is a lab and sounds exactly likde Brandi when she barked. My friend Kim's dog ran away a month ago. Casey is a 10 year old yellow lab. She's doing all she can to find him but to no avail. I know she and her family are devastated. Hoping he will come home.

Pat Larney once sent me an email at work prior to his passing. It essentially said "Without the bad things in life, we would not be able to truly appreciate the good things." Sometimes....I just wish there weren't any bad things.

Doris

One more thing...

...this time last year I was knee-deep in chemo treatments. My life seemed to be turned upside down. But my friends, co-workers and family stood by me and rallied with me to get where I am today.

The thing is....I keep trying to figure out..."How do you thank people for their gifts?"...."How do you thank people for their emails, cards, phone calls and prayers?" How do you let people know that they were your strength when you had none of your own?

I want to help. I want to contribute. I want to be able to offer support and advice to others who have been diagnosed with or affected by cancer.

If I can help any one in any way - please reach out. And if you know someone who could use support or advice, please give them my contact information.

Words can not express how much you all helped me.

The week from hell...

I'm having a tough week. Migraines are back with a vengance. Neck pain and jaw and ear pain as well. I'm seeing my Primary Care Physician on the 30th - hoping she can help me. I need changes. There are definitely some new/recent changes in bahavior that may be contributing to the migraines:
1. I started drinking Diet Coke again after having "quit" it for.....years;
2. I started using Sweet n' Low again instead of sugar.

Who knows. All I do know is that I am proud of myself for reaching out to people this week and unloading my feelings instead of keeping them bottled up inside. This is a huge step for me.

My co-worker and friend Dawn is in Beth-Israel Hospital in Boston. Please say a prayer for Dawn. She underwent some surgery and has cancer of the pancreas. Dawn is a tough cookie - but even the toughest can't go it alone.

My son has had an incredible week with his daycare buddies. They have taken day trips every day and he comes home exhausted. Ah to be a kid again!!

I'm looking forward to the warmer weather this weekend. We're going to spend some time at Grammies and on Sunday we are going with my friend Nora on a nature walk. Jake is looking forward to the weekend!

My friend Kim's dog ran away. Casey will be gone 4 weeks tomorrow. I feel so sad for her and her family. He is a beautiful yellow lab and no one has found him. I just keep hoping he will someday just reappear and walk up her driveway.

My friend Charlotte had some outpatient reconstruction surgery today. We were able to talk for a little while tonight. She sounds great.

I think that's it for this entry. Thanks for checking in on me :-)

Doris

Easter, etc.

Nora was right - If I don't get these thoughts, feelings and experiences on my blog soon, I will forget them.

Easter morning...Jake is up at 5:45 a.m. and comes in my room and says "Mommy I can't sleep." He tries for all of about 3 minutes to sleep in my bed and then says "Mommy it's time to get up." I begrudgingly crawl out of bed and he says "You go first and you can tell me if the Easter Bunny left me anything ok?" I giggle at this statement and say "Ok buddy, let's go." Needless to say, the Easter Bunny and the Easter Bunny's Mom overdid it a bit. He even said "Woah...I didn't think I'd get much 'cuz I don't think I've been that good." What a kid!!! lol

Our Easter was awesome. My mom came over in the morning and then my whole family got together at my sister's for dinner and an afternoon of games, treasure hunt and quality time. The day was sunny but very windy. We spent a lot of time outside despite the cold temps. We all had a good case of windburn on our faces by the end of the day. Jake has a new found appreciation for moisturizer. lol

I turned 42 last week. April 15th. It was a great day. A great balance between work and home and friends and life in general. During the afternoon I found myself reflecting on things. I may share those thoughts eventually, but right now I'm just going to let them bumble around in my head a little while longer.

A family friend was at our Easter gathering. She and her husband have been an integral part of the Pigeon family for ...wow...for as long as I can remember. She has seen me in many different phases of my life. She made a profound comment during the gathering....it has really stuck with me. She said that this gathering reminded her of our many in the past. But this time we're the old foagies....and boy did that make me think. I mean...damn...she's right. We were now the ones sitting back watching the younger generation run and play and be crazy. We sat back and watched and laughed. But not for long. During "tug-a-war" we participated. And although my back still hurts a week later, at least for that brief moment I felt young again.

Today is Sunday. Yesterday I met a co-worker for breakfast and we had a great time. It was a really nice change of pace. In the afternoon I began "cleaning" - I put this in quotes because...well...it was yet another one of my feable attempts to get my apartment (my life?) in some sort of order.

Today my mom and I traveled to Chichester to Dominick's Restaurant for breakfast. It was yummy and again - a nice change from the ordinary.

So I returned home and have continued the "cleaning" escapade....maybe I'll complete some portion of it and feel a degree of accomplishment - who knows.

Some might read this entry and think I'm depressed. Fear not - I feel great. I mean...as great as I can feel being overweight and having a headache and wanting to take a nap. I have found that because I'm around people all day long, all week long at work, that when I have time to myself, I relish it. No more moping around or feeling sorry for myself when I am alone --- instead I watch a movie that I could not watch when Jake is with me (LOVE scary movies!!) and I read a lot. Plus, when Jake is here my focus is on him, so I tend to let laundry and stuff pile up until I'm alone again. I don't ever want Jake to say "My mommy couldn't play with me this weekend because she was cleaning the apartment."

Anyway I'm thinking that's about it at this point. I have my windows open and the shades pulled apart to enjoy this beautiful day. Not many people online today, so I'm thinking they are enjoying the weather as well!

Thank you for checking in.
Doris

Honey Cascio.....Rest In Peace.

Please pray for my co-workers.

Honey Cascio is now in hospice care. Please say a prayer for her and her family.

Ann M. is having a very difficult time with chemo. Please say a prayer for her and her family.

Life is too damned short. And sometimes, seems so very unfair.

The definition of "compassion":

Deep awareness of the suffering of another coupled with the wish to relieve it.

So about this whole "compassion" thing...I am learning this word. I am experiencing this word. I am sensitive to this word.

When people we love are struck by illness, horrible circumstance...victims...we feel compassion for them because we love them.

What I learned this week (Thank you Sue D.) is that compassion is for everyone. EVERYONE. Not just those who are directly affected by a tragedy. Compassion should be felt on a more human level then that. I now feel great compassion for anyone on this Earth who is diagnosed with cancer. It does not matter what your social status is. Or how much money you earn. Or who you know. Am I now an "expert" on cancer and treatment? NO. Have I been there? Did I experience something that 1 in 9 women should NEVER have to experience? YES. Do I want to help others - let them know that it's ok to feel whatever emotions they are feeling and to make sure they know that there is light at the other end of the tunnel? You're damned right I do.

You do not even have to like someone to feel compassion. You don't even have to know them....to feel compassion.

We all have our own ways of dealing with stress, tragedy, trials and tribulations. Just as we all have our own ways of celebrating success and positive, happy events.

Maybe if more people experienced the "emotion" of compassion....maybe the world wouldn't be so damned scary. Who knows. What I am saying is that experiences that took place this week in my life have changed me. For the better. I thank God for that. I thank God for the people in my life who have taught me so very much about myself. I thank God that during the toughest times in my life I have had and will continue to have people to lean on. People to cry with. People to laugh with. People to remind me where I've been and people to let me forget it as well.

I hope that tonight's post makes anyone reading this stop and think. If not - that's ok too. Maybe some day something will cross your mind and you'll say "Ohhh that's what Doris meant in her blog."

Thanks for checking in. And please -- if you know someone who has been diagnosed who would like to speak with a survivor I am here to help in any way I can.

Good night.

Compassion

This is a powerful, powerful word. So powerful that I haven't thought of much else in the past 24 hours. So I've decided to blog about it.

Right now I have to grab a shower and bring Jake to Grammy's and go to a couple of meetings.

Tonight I will blog about this and my recent experiences.

Please pray for Mrs. Honey Cascio (and her family) who is now bedridden and requiring hospice care.

Please pray for Ann M. who is now facing an arduous chemotherapy regimen.

Please pray for all the families, friends and strangers who are touched by cancer.

Thank you.

Success!

Today is my last day off -- I return to work tomorrow. I took a long weekend. No plans made but to just "be" and.....it has been monumental for me. I am finally (FINALLY!!!!!! I want to shout it from the rooftops!!!!!) in a 'good' place emotionally!!!! YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Instead of feeling sad and depressed and yes, even "sorry" for myself for not having my son with me, I have focused on me, my home, my health....I feel an incredible clarity. It feels great. Beyond great!!!

Life is good!!!!!!!!

Lately...

...I experience feelings of fear. Fear that, when it crosses my mind, I force down..deep down. I know this is wrong. But I will learn as time goes by how to work through it. My fear is of recurence. This fear is real. I'm told it's very common. But the feeling of "fear" - well...it sucks. I try to deny it. I've got to work on it.

Let's move on:
1. Charlotte is a survivor!! No radiation or chemo required. I'm so happy and so proud of her!! You go girl!!

2. Please pray for Honey Cascio. Honey is a co-worker and sister survivor whose cancer is now metastatic. Honey - you are in our thoughts and prayers.

I think that's it for now.

Sorry it's been so long since I've written.
Doris

Powerful statement.....

...at my Weight Watchers meeting yesterday we talked about many things, but one thing I have realized over the past week is that I eat a lot out of 'boredom.'

Well...Kathy my meeting leader said "Boredom is caused when you are avoiding doing something you do not want to do."

HOLY CRAP. I mean really....HOLY CRAP. That statement has gone through my head 100's of times this weekend. I am avoiding decluttering and coleaning up around here. I put it off as much as possible. Well...not anymore. Baby steps, but this too was an eye opening experience. House cleaning is also good exercise so I'll straighten this place out and burn some calories at the same time!

Anyway, Kathy was so happy to see me yesterday - I got huge hugs. She even asked me to stay through the program introduction which is done at the end of the class for new members. Kathy ALWAYS makes me feel good about myself. She has never judge med. She is such a kind and caring person.

Thanks for checking in again.

Doris

Rain in January???

What a day. Nasty commute, but got a lot of work done with no students or staff around.

The latest -- my hot flashes are back and they are sooooo bizarre. The majority of them hit me at night when I'm winding down or already in bed. My forehead literally breaks out in a sweat and I am now running my fan in the bedroom all night long!!

Migraines are back and they are severe and painful. BUT - mentally I feel great. I'm feeling better simply by drinking lots of water and eating better (and much less!!) food.

Jake is back home with me tonight - he spent some quality time with his Grammy today. Tonight when I was walking through his room my pant leg caught on the corner of a box and I took a pretty nasty fall and I'm a little sore, but I'll live. Of course Jake was right there saying "Are you Ok? Where does it hurt???" What a kid!!!

Tuesday was a great day -- EVEN with the excruciating migraines --- I went to lunch with my friend Charlotte and two of my co-workers. It really was a nice change of pace and I felt....like a grownup!!! lol!!!

As I sit here and reflect on the past year....I can honestly and proudly say that my co-workers truly rallied around me and have shown unwaivering support. I am blessed to have one or two friends which I have made from each of my past jobs, but this current job has given me.....friends...supporters...comrades...people I know who will also be in my life forever. I am truly blessed.

Charlotte - when you read this - please know that you are ALREADY in the Survivor Sisterhood and I am so proud of you!!! I know the upcoming treatment plan may seem daunting, but you will so quickly be looking back on it (as I am now over my past year)and thinking "where did the time go?"

I love you and I am so very lucky to have you in my life. And if you are reading this -- a family member, a friend, a co-worker....please know that there is something special about you that I was willing to open up and share my blog with you. Expose my heart and feelings.

Thank you - whoever you may be.

Good night.
Doris

In general....

...I am very emotional.

Sometimes...things don't come to mind right away. Sometimes I need to take time to reflect and think about things.

I think (think) I may be emotional because at this time last year I was a single mom facing breast cancer.

Now I am a single mom...making some changes and hoping to improve my quality of life.

I think I'm going to allow myself to feel this emotion...and I'll move on soon.

I don't know if I've mentioned it, but I put in a request for information for the Breast Cancer 3-Day. I'm going to an informational meeting in February. I'll keep you posted.

Doris

Goin' with the flow.

A very small handful of people know that I have been interviewing for an incredible job. On Friday night I found out I did not get it. Maybe it was not meant to be? Maybe something else is coming my way? Maybe...just maybe I am supposed to stay where I am right now. I have much to learn from this experience.

A friend of mine said to me yesterday "I can always tell when Jake is with his dad." He said I am just not myself. I am trying. I really am. Trying to be a person, an individual, not just a mom. Having had my first argument with Jake's dad this week...has caused me some stress and concern. I have much to learn from this experience as well.

I joined Weight Watchers (again) yesterday. I'm going to attend the meetings. The new plan isn't rocket science. I'll keep you posted.

I want to thank those of you who still check on me through this post.

Doris

"I'm very happy with you"...

Those were the words of Dr. Palladino when I saw her tonight for my 1 year follow up exam.

She said everything looks great and she was pleased with my mammogram.

Today....I feel more like a survivor. Maybe because I officially got a clean bill of health - I don't know.

I just RSVP'd to attend an introductory meeting for the Breast Cancer 3-Day event coming up this summer. Can I do it? Whether I think I can or I think I can't....I'm right!

Prayers please? For Ed and Pat Kelvington and for Charlotte Mason and her family.

Thanks,
Doris

Missing out...

...ok people...I'm reading Foster's online and I have a question for all of you: How do you hear about/learn of events going on in the area? Special guests at the museum, or family-oriented events?

Any help would be appreciated. Jake and I are missing out on things.

p.s. Who ordered this snow? And...just HOW MUCH did you order???? ;-)

Doris

"everything looks great"

Yesterday I went to Women's Imaging at Exeter Hospital for my first mammogram since last year's diagnosis.

The technician was concerned at first because they did not have copies of my previous films from Women's Life Imaging in Somersworth, so without a previous film to compare to the new film, they would not be able to give me an accurate comparison. My eyes welled up with tears. All I could think was "Dot, if you didn't have bad luck, you'd have no luck at all." The technician said that because they don't know what my cancer looked like in the previous films, that if something showed up today, there may be a delay in any sort of identification or diagnosis.

Needless to say, they did the mammogram (much easier thanks to the reduction!!!! lol) and after a few minutes the technician came and sat with me in the waiting room and said "The doctor says everything looks great." Tears again. Relief. A blessing. A feeling that I in deed have been given a second chance.

Doris

Ok, I'm back, part II

This blog is helpful to me. I will keep using it :-)

My other friend Sue J. said "baby steps." She was referring to one thing, but I think right now it encompasses EVERYTHING.

Tonight I went grocery shopping. I took my time. I read labels. Baby steps. I bought organic cream for my coffee. Baby steps. I bought Garelick brand milk because they don't use artificial growth hormones on the cows (thanks Nora!!!).

Not sure I've mentioned this, but I am reading a book called "Skinny Bitch" right now and it is a real eye opener. I am learning a great deal about the food we eat...the crap we put in our systems...the unthinkable abuse that farm animals endure. No Shaun don't worry, I'm not a vegan.....yet!!! ;-)

I am opening my eyes to news things...I am LEARNING. This is exciting to me. This makes me happy.

Over a year ago I came up with a mantra - "Doris M. Lachance - Prepare for Greatness!!!" and I think I forgot that for a little while. Today I feel hopeful. Life really is good.

Doris

Ok, ok I'm back.

Oscar said it best "Wake up and smell the coffee!!! You're a survivor!!!"

Let's write off my recent funk as just that....a blue mood which came on under various circumstances and I am willing to acknowledge that right now.

Debbi also made a good point - reminding me that this is MY blog and I can say and do as I please (insert me stomping my foot and yelling "Dammit!!!").

I really screwed up --- I admit that I am one of those people who depends upon my doctor's and dentist offices to call and remind me of my appointments.

Well....no one call me about my January 7th mammogram. I missed it. Can you believe it????? Sometimes my head really is up my ass!

Ok I called and rescheduled for the 16th, so I'm good.

Yet another reason to maintain my home calendar!!!

I need to go grocery shopping and will write again soon ----- nothing changes on New Year's Day unless YOU change. So if things suck.....change them.

Doris

Tired.

Sick and tired.

I think I am officially taking a break from this blog.
I do have a couple of appointments over the next week or so for follow ups, mammogram, etc., and I will update that info.

I was on top of the world most of the weekend. Tonight I have tears in my eyes. It is exhausting being me. I think constantly. I don't just "live" and I can't just "be." Everything comes with a thought...a criticism....I'm sick of it.

Life is not rocket science. Happiness is not rocket science. Do what makes you feel good. Do what makes others feel good. Do the right thing. Be happy for what you have. Don't waste energy being unhappy with what you don't have. And don't waste your future trying to get back something you lost in your past.

Thank you for following me along in this journey. You can always reach me at dorislachance@metrocast.net.

Good night.
Doris

Reality Check

You have got to be just as tired of hearing me complain as I am of doing the complaining.

I'm fat. I'm lazy. I'm a procrastinator. I lack self discipline.

There. I said it. It's out there for all the world to read.

Today I saw my primary care doctor. My weight is back to where it was about a year ago. I went there because I've been having chest pains among other things. EKG was good. My chest muscles, neck muscles and back muscles are in spasm. I've been experiencing some anxiety. My acid reflux is no longer under control with Prilosec so I have to try Nexium. I also was given Flexeril and Naprosyn for the muscle pain.

I'm reading a book right now called "Skinny Bitch." It is an in your face book that is actually very educational.

I am a breast concer survivor ---- I was given a second chance. My lifestyle MUST change if I want to live a long and productive life.

Doris

Focus....

I don't have it. I never have it for very long. Hopefully it will come back.
Doris