"Nothing changes on New Year's Day"

This statement - a line in a U2 song - never meant much to me. It was just a part of a song. I'm sure that when Bono wrote the song, he was thinking deep thoughts of some war or poverty or something. I've never researched the song....just tap my fingers on the steering wheel along to the beat.



Anyway - I'm looking at those words differently now.



January 1st. New Year's Day. Nothing changes. It's really just another day. Unless you have resolutions and then it becomes a day of dread. People decide that on January 1st they will change their entire lives and in effect everything will be better or greater or....safer....or healthier.

I would love to think that I can sucessfully change my lifestyle to be a healthier, more active person who contributes something to the world. This is not going to happen on New Year's Day. This is going to take time, hard work, focus and determination.

What do I want? I want 2009 to be a good year. That's all. 2008 sucked. 2008 was a tough year. I don't think I could have prevented it. I certainly couldn't have predicted it. But changes need to be made which will result in improvements.

Remember me saying how wiped out I was? Well..no lie...I slept Friday night, Saturday and Saturday night. Only woke up 3 times to have something to eat, otherwise I was sleeping. Crazy. Today I was up a little before 9 and ran some errands and now I'm doing dishes and cleaning (well...I'm blogging actually...but WILL being doing dishes and cleaning!!!)

Thanks for checking in.

I'm completely wiped out!!!

Jake was up at 5:45 this morning.
It was a great day - Santa was good to both of us.
We spent most of the day with my family at my mom's.
Just a great day!
I'm heading to bed. Jake is out like a light. Merry Christmas everyone.
Good night.
Doris

Charlotte update!

Charlotte is doing fantastic and her pathology results came back negative - no cancer in the lymph nodes. YOU GO GIRL!!!!!!!!!

Had to share....

...right now I am looking at (get this!!!) 9 paper plates on the floor - each with a carrot rolled in oatmeal and glitter as well as a napkin for each. That's 9 reindeer we're expecting in the apartment tonight, as well as Jolly Old St. Nick who has a custom-designed paper plate from Jake with 2 fresh sugar cookies and a small glass of milk.

He has made this holiday season very special. I love driving down the road listening to Christmas music and hearing him in the back seat singing along - it brings a smile to my face.

He will have a busy few days at the BCCC next week, including some sledding at Wagon Hill, a movie and I know there is a third thing which is escaping me right now...hmmm.....I"ll think of it. Oh yes - lunch at Milo's Pizzeria which is down the road from BCCC.

I am exhausted. I would say of everything that is my major complaint/concern. I'm tired all the time. When I have Jake I just push through it. When I'm alone, I sleep alot or sit around and do nothing. Well...I'm kinda' tired of the whole "doing nothing" routine as it is really getting me nowhere. So I am in touch with a Nutritionist from my Oncology office to meet and discuss making life changes. I know, I know - I've said it before and you've heard it before. All I can do is try my very best. Something, some plan - will eventually work for me.

Ok that's it for tonight. Thanks again for checking in.

Merry Christmas.
Doris

Merry Christmas

Not much to report today. I'm picking up Jake soon and then we'll make some cookies have a quiet Christmas Eve.

Tomorrow should be a lot of fun - Jake is at a great age for the holidays.

I'm doing ok. I have headaches but not the painful migraines that I was suffering from. I'm seeing my chiropractor to keep my bones moving.

I hope everyone has a Merry Christmas.

Doris

Ok so.....

....we just got back from Barrington Urgent Care. Lovely night for a drive....NOT!

Jake's ear was bothering him again. He had an ear infection over Thanksgiving and when he got rechecked a week later the doctor told us it was clearing up and was looking good. Immediately after that he came down with another cold and now he has pressure back in his ear. No infection though, thank God! So he just took his meds and he'll go to bed early.

Charlotte stopped in to work today - she looks fantastic! Everyone was so happy to see her. I'm so proud of you Charlotte!!!

Today was one of those days where I literally had to look at the calendar and see if we were having a full moon. A rollercoaster kind of day.

Looking forward to relaxing with Jake this weekend.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Grateful

That's me. Grateful.

I think my recent feeling of 'flat' emotion was caused from anxiety and anticipation because today I saw Dr. Hammond my Oncologist. I had lab work first and then saw him and he did an exam. He said everything looks great and my lab work was great as well.

I'm sure maybe some day these appointments will be not-so-agonizing....but for now each appointment will remind me that I had cancer and that I could get it back at anytime.

Just got the call a few minutes ago - 2 hour delay for school tomorrow. I am so tired - I'm going to bed soon so I can get a good nights sleep.

I miss my roommates - Mom and Beatrice. I guess I got used to having them around. It was nice to have a cat around....jumping up in bed in the middle of the night looking for attention.

I get my Jakey back tomorrow; he is going to hang out with his Grammy tomorrow because there is no school again. Tomorrow night we'll make our Christmas cookies. I'm looking forward to it. It's become a tradition for us and we both really enjoy it.

Grateful.....counting my blessings....the list is endless.

Doris

Ice storm

My emotions are quite flat today.
Thank God my electricity was restored at 4:30 a.m. on Saturday morning.
My mom and her cat have moved in until power is restored in Madbury.
Jake will most likely be coming back here, as his dad's place still has no power and may not for some time.
Sirens.
Lots of sirens.
That's what I am hearing right now.
Ambulances.
Fire trucks.
This storm has been a scary experienced and when I hear the sirens I fear someone is hurt or worse.
Dan just called. Jenn's dad got his power back so now Dan and Jenn are using his generator. This is good news.
I think I'll take a hot shower and try to do some cleaning around here.
My mom and I went to dinner last night and afterwards had to think.....is the food fresh or has it also been sitting in their not so cold refrigerator for 36+ hours? Needless to say we both ended up sick.
Ok - my hands are swollen and I feel like crap. But I thank God I have power and that my family and friends are safe.
Doris

Rain...rain...rain....

It's a messy night out there. I have been watching the D.O.T. trucks as they travel up and down Route 4 to salt/sand the roads.

I had a really good day at work today. Sometimes for me it is the simple things that make me happy. That's how I feel right now as I type = happy.

My friend Lisa who suffered a stroke in August is doing incredibly well. Although I know it is hard for her, she is aware of any limitations that may be posed now, and has truly become her very own rehab specialist!!! I'm so proud of how far she has come. But I will probably always worry now that she is over doing it because she really does have an incredible drive.

Lisa says it's time to start taking care of my mind, body and spirit. I really need to. I know she's right. Life is passing me by and it's time for change.

I am a work in progress. I know it will happen for me. Whatever 'it' is.....

I typed this original blog entry earlier this evening. Now it's after 10pm and I can't sleep.

Good news - I talked to Lee Mason about a half hour ago - Charlotte is in room 542 at Concord Hospital. She's doing really well. She walked a little bit today and is sitting up in a chair. Her appetite is good as well.

So now I want to bounce to another topic. I wonder what you guys think when you read my entries - I know my topics can be pretty random lol.

I listen to a lot of "alternative" music. I like it. And I heard a song a couple of days ago that I have never heard before. It is about the riots of 1992. And it brought me back to that whole catastrophe. I was in the hospital at that time for some severe abdominable pain. I remember laying in the hospital bed watching the t.v. as the attack on Reginald Denny ensued. The news copter kept filming and they showed the attack live on t.v. I have been thinking about that - I can visualize it clear as day - and for some reason...now...I feel so horrible for that man. I can not imagine the absolute terror that was going through that man's mind as he was dragged from his tractor trailer and beaten.

I don't have any idea why this is running through my mind. I almost think that watching it...seeing it happen and not being able to help that innocent victim in any way whatsoever....I think it traumatized me.

Yesterday I had to go to the post office for work. I was in line for about 20 minutes at least. During that time there was a mom in line ahead of me. Her son who is about 5 was basically running around and being unsupervised the entire time while we were waiting in line. This mom did not look around to locate her son. This mom did not seem in any way concerned with where her son was or what he was doing. The Raymond Post Office is a small place. But not too small. I mean....it's a couple weeks before Christmas and it was very busy. People were coming and going and this woman showed no interest whatsoever in where he was. My point is this --- any one of those people could have scooped that boy up and had him in a vehicle and gone and that mom STILL would not have realized it. It took every ounce of self restraint I could muster not to say something to her. What is wrong with this world? Maybe if we just took a little more interest...showed a little more concern for others and for ourselves...treated each other with kindness and appreciated what we have and do not take it for granted....maybe the world could be a little better place. I have no idea where I'm going with this. All I know is that I wish this world would change. It really scares the hell out of me.

Drive carefully tomorrow. Thanks as always for checking in.
Doris

Charlotte Update

I just got a call from Lee, Charlotte's husband. Charlotte went in to surgery at 8:15 and they were finished at about 4:15 this afternoon. Both surgeons said things went very well and that everything looks good. They will get the results of the lymph node tests in a couple of days.

If you are one of my co-workers please share this info with others. Charlotte is at Concord Hospital and they expect her to be there for 4 - 5 days. Whatever follow up treatment that may be required will be determined when the test results return.

I love you Charlotte!!! You're a fighter!!!

p.s.
I want to extend my congratulations to Pat N. who has officially completed her radiation treatments - you go girlfriend!!!!

p.p.s.
Continue to keep Pat and Ed Kelvington in your prayers. Their battle has been a tough one. We are all here for you Pat and Ed!!

Please say a prayer.

My dear friend Charlotte goes in for her surgery tomorrow. Charlotte - if you read this - you are going to do just fine. Good thoughts and prayers will be sent your way!!!

I don't have much to say tonight. I'm exhausted. I went to bed at 7 last night and I'm getting ready to head to bed now. I think it's the Arimidex.

Ok - thanks again for checking in.

A great long weekend!!!

I am sitting here paying my bills online...watching Family Guy...listening to Sally the hamster try to escape her cage (this is a nightly event which is quite amusing to watch) and looking at our beautiful Christmas tree.

The past three days have been awesome. Friday with Kim was so much fun and I think it was the long-overdue bonding time that we needed to strengthen our friendship. The rest of the weekend was spent with Jake and we did a whole lot of nothing and had a fantastic time!!! He is such an amazing kid. He's smart ...intuitive... sensitive..funny....I'm so very proud of him.

My niece Samantha did some work to my laptops tonight --- copying over thousands of pictures that were slowing down my system. She's such a good person and I am so proud of her. It looks like she may be going out of state for college next year - Jake and I will both be lost without her!!!

My mom and my sister Janet visited a couple times this weekend -- on Saturday Janet delivered our new Christmas tree -- a pre-lit artificial tree that is absolutely beautiful!!!. Jake and Janet decorated it together while I pulled out the decorations and my mom sat and watched. It was really, really nice.

Today my sister Laura, her husband Ed and Samantha stopped in to see our tree and then Sam started helping me with the computer issues.

Jake LOVES to have company. We just had a great weekend. I feel so 'at peace' in my heart and mind right now. It is a great feeling.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Today was great.

Today I did something fun and different and great. Today I took the day off from work and went Christmas shopping with my oldest and dearest friend Kim. It was so much fun and really helped to get me in the Christmas spirit. We simply had a great day and now I understand why women (and men) have maintained traditions like this. Between the talking and the comparing mom stories and talking about old times.....it was so much fun.

Tomorrow we are getting our Christmas tree - Jake is very excited. We'll decorate the tree and decorate the apartment. It will be another great day.

Now....my body is killing me from today's shopping expedition. The walking seemed to put a lot of stress on my joints and my fingers and toes are puffy. This part sucks. I've been on the Arimidex for about 5 weeks now. The hot flashes are not as severe lately. Hopefully things will start to improve. I am enjoying a level of energy that I have not had in some time.

Thanks for checking in on me :-)

Wow.

I just went back and read my January 2008 entries and started to read the February entries but had to stop. Tears filled my eyes and I am overcome with...a feeling of relief for getting through it and a feeling of fear for my dear friend Charlotte who is just beginning this journey.

Wow.

Charlotte - you're going to be a proud survivor and we will walk together next year. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be mad. It's ok to feel feelings. Remember you're never ever alone. None of us are.

Doris

Long time, no blog.

Sorry for the 'down time.' I've been busy taking advantage of Jake's visit with Dan and getting some Christmas shopping taken care of.

Thanksgiving was really good. I went to my mom's and most of my family was there. The food was yummy and the conversation was good until Obama's name came up and then I suddenly needed to leave....lol

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well. My friend Kim told me a few months ago that I am way too hard on myself and I think she's right. Over these four days I had grand plans in my head to finish my decluttering project. That didn't happen. Instead, it ended up being a pretty busy 4 days. So instead of sitting here and giving myself a hard time for what I didn't get done, I'm going to praise myself for what I did get done:
1. Attended the concert of the Transiberian Orchestra on Wednesday afternoon (this was my sister Janet's Christmas gift to me);
2. Made 2 pies for Turkey Day;
3. Spent Turkey Day at my mom's with the family;
4. Friday....kind of a blur....I think I was in turkey coma but I did empty more then 1/2 of my clothes closet of stuff that is too big for me - I packed 12 garbage bags full of clothes and shoes;
5. Saturday my mom and I ran some errands which included donating all the clothes to CERV in Somersworth, going to lunch and then heading to the Stratham SPCA where my mom fell in love and adopted a beautiful house cat named Beatrice;
6. Sunday my mom and I ran a couple more errands and now I'm watching a sketchy Patriots game!!!

The side effects from the Arimidex continue. Improved? Yes, maybe a bit. The joint pain is not constant anymore. It comes and goes. The lethargy comes and goes. I either have a ton of energy or I feel like napping. But I haven't napped - I've just been going to bed very early!!!

I need to have someone help me with my taxes this year --- if you know of anyone, please email me the info. I think I got pretty screwed last year due to lack of knowledge and want to make sure I'm on track this time.

Jake ended up with an ear infection - poor little booger. But he responded quickly to the meds and got lots of sleep which helped.

I think that's about it. I know I have mentioned in the past that I don't look back at my blog entries, so I don't know if I have already mentioned this (and yes, my memory since chemo does kind of suck), but I'm not spending any time with my old friend "Joey" anymore. I think that somewhere along the line I FINALLY realized that we CHOOSE our friends. And when those relationships become stressful or toxic, it is best to cut the ties. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I am not even the same person I was last January when I was diagnosed. Different things are important now that never used to be and vice-versa. "Catastrophic" has a whole new meaning to me and it no longer revolves around breaking a nail. And happiness over the simple things in life....that's what is truly important.

Please keep a few people in your prayers if you could: Pat and Ed Kelvington, Charlotte Mason and her family, Honey Cascio and her family. We all have battles - we all handle them differently - but we all look to a Higher Power for strength.

Thanks so much for checking in.
Doris

Growing old sucks....

...ok....not me, I' mean...I'm on 41. lol

I'm watching the poor guys from "New Kids on the Block" trying to act like they are still teenagers and it's just sad.

Anyway, nothing really new to report today. Sunday nights are always a little rough - Jake has a hard time getting to sleep. He has another head cold. It's just crazy - seems like he no sooner gets rid of one and he gets hit with another.

The weekend was good. I am heading to bed early.

Think about what your thankful for; count your blessings. I am thankful for all of you.

Doris

A little story..

...Ok so...I've been honest to date and that won't stop. When I was at Dr. Palladino's yesterday, she asked me how I felt about my results from the surgery and I told her "The left one is bigger then the right, but we have a plan" at which point she started laughing and said "Who?" I explained to her that I had met with Dr. Marble and that we decided that after I reach my weight loss goals, I would go in and have the current implant replaced with a smaller one and have some scar correction work done at the same time and along with that Dr. Marble will construct a nipple.

Well...Dr. Palladino told me she wanted to show me a picture and that the picture may cause me to change my mind about the nipple reconstruction. IT DID.

Imagine this - she hands me a photo of one of her patients who had the same procedures that I did. Instead of a new nipple she got a tattoo that covers the incision line across her breast. A really colorful floral design. The patient is over 70 years old. So I am very seriously considering that 'choice' and it will be just as unique and meaningful as my current tattoos. Very cool. I had been considering a tattoo to commemorate my fight and I think this is just the thing.

With that said....I just rejoined Weight Watchers online. I've screwed around long enough and I have regained about 5 pounds. No biggy - I'm going to get back on track and continue to drop this weight. Life is about choices. The right choices make us happier and healthier and improve our quality of life.

I think that's it for now.

What a freeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold day!!!

Doris

Today

I saw Dr. Palladino today. It was so nice to see her - she is so cool. I mean, how many doctors give you a hug because they are happy to see you??? So the exam went well and she was really pleased with the results. She checked my left arm for swelling and told me about a new machine they are getting at the hospital which uses electrodes to detect swelling (lyphedema). When it is delivered she is going to call and have me come in so we can check the arm to be sure.

I am scheduled for another mammogram on January 7th. How bizarre is it that that is the same date, one year ago, that Amy Coombs found the lump that started all of this???? Anyway, then I see Dr. Palladino on January 14th to review the mammogram.

It's odd, but remember the feelings of dread that I had several months ago about the cancer recurring? Well....now I'm like "bring it on - I'm a survivor!"

Tonight I feel rejuvenated. Jake and played some games and did several loads of laundry. I've washed dishes and now I'm thinking of heading to bed. He had a bad night and awoke this morning with a bad headache. We stayed home for a couple of hours and then he asked me to drive him to school. He made it through the day, so I'm hoping whatever was bothering him has passed.

I think that's about it for now.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Today is Thursday...

...tomorrow is Friday. Brilliant deduction huh?

Anyway....today was a good day at work.

Jake is healthy and happy.

My joint pain is very very manageable. Migraines are coming and going but I'm managing.

Tomorrow I get to see Dr. Palladino. (Isn't that funny? I said "get to" as if it's a privilege) Anyway, Dr. Palladino is the surgeon who performed my mastectomy and then my follow up surgery to remove the lymph nodes under my left arm.

Dr. Palladino.....well...she totally rocks. She is kind. She is caring. She is genuine. In a word - amazing. So I truly look forward to seeing her tomorrow. Getting an exam, and touching base on my life since I last saw her. I will write over the weekend about the outcome. It will all be positive I'm sure.

A few of you were concerned over some recent blogs and for that I am sorry. But I appreciate you all so very much. Your emails of concern and blog comments helped me to get my perspective back. I will continue to blog and I will continue to remember who my very dear friends are.

Life is what you make it. You can only play the "victim card" for so long. I'm tired of playing cards....maybe it's time for some Monopoly.......

Also - if you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, please call 1-800-277-5570 to get in contact with a local crisis center. You need not be in crisis to call. It could change your life.

Love, Doris

Part II

Ya know what? I'm not doing "great" today. I have not been doing "great" for a couple weeks. The joint pain I am experiencing - which I am assuming is from the Arimidex - is so painful. Not just an ache. It is enough at times to bring tears to my eyes. When I sit for long periods of time at work, it is difficult to stand up and walk. This morning I woke with swollen fingers. The swelling did not subside until mid afternoon. The daily migraines have slowed a little bit. Not as severe, so that is a good thing.

It is hard to keep a positive attitude when you feel like crap physically.

Ok, so that's the whole truth.

Thanks again,
Doris

How much longer will I blog?

I have been thinking about stopping this. I think that a part of me is worried that I am leaving myself open to get hurt. Maybe that sounds weird. Sometimes I put myself out there and maybe I worry that I am making myself vulnerable. Hmmmm no..not making myself vulnerable -- I am exposing my vulnerability.

A couple thoughts have come to mind today.
1. Pick your battles;
2. Take control of things before they take control of you;
3. Don't let the turkeys get you down --- they eventually will be someone's holiday dinner;
4. Be true to yourself.
5. You can't control anothers' actions, you can only control your response to those actions.

I do feel I've grown tremendously since my diagnosis in January, but even since my divorce. I truly am a work in progress. Sometimes I am simply too hard on myself and instead of criticizing myself, I need to establish a true "To Do" list. Not a one-time list where I cross off the items and that's it. I mean a life-long to do list. Always improving. Always growing. Because giving up and falling into a slump and an unhealthy routine are what brought me to where I am now. And if you ask "How's that working for you Doris?" Well...I think the answer is quite clear.

Sorry if I'm gloomy tonight. Sometimes I am overcome with emotion. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I can not blog about my repressed memories until I have worked through some more stuff first. But I am hopeful that I can work through this and come out stronger, as with all other challenges that have I have come up against.

Doris

Here comes the sun....

...thank God. As I sit here with my feet up and my laptop on my lap (guess that's where they got the name...eh hem...) the sun is popping through the clouds and shining over my shoulder. This is a gift. A blessing.

I started the unthinkable yesterday. I like to call it the "De-Clutter D-Rock's Life" Project. I started with the kitchen. Yesterday I brought 9 large trash bags full of junk to the dumpster. I AM NOT DONE WITH THE KITCHEN!!!! But what I've done so far has been a fun project and I feel like I'm on the right track. It is a cleansing experience --- both literally and figuratively speaking. So this morning I want to complete the kitchen and then get the bathroom done.

About the "D-Rock" thing.....a co-worker of mine at SIGARMS started calling me that. He is the only person who ever referred to me as "D-Rocka" and for me it always stuck. Now I thinking of it as a motto -- trying to be tough...strong like a rock. Develope strength and stability. Not only for me, but for my family and friends and way-cool son who depends upon me.

Anyway, I think that's about it for now. I met mom for breakfast this morning and boy am I exhausted!!! Hmmm maybe a nap before I get back to cleaning.....oh I'm just kidding Cindi!!!

Love, Doris

Oprah...

....I will be the first to admit I am not a big fan. Maybe it's because she's a tree-hugging Democrat and I am a Proud Conservative Republican. Maybe it's because people in her midst treat her as though she has God-like powers. Ever watch the crowd at the beginning of a show? Some of them shake and tremble and cry....as though the Beatles just walked in. Ok, I don't get the Beatles thing either so what can I compare all of this to? Ohhhh yes........they behave the way I would if Steven Tyler walked in the room --- ok, 'nuf said.

ANYWAY - my point being (yeah I know you thought I lost track) is that I don't plan my days around the Oprah Winfrey show. I only watch it intentionally if someone I really like or respect or want to learn more about is on the show. What happened today? None of that. Today was just me flipping through the channels and discovering a guy with basic knowledge, intelligence and organizational skills showing people how to 'unclutter' their homes. Well, wouldn't you know it....it was Oprah! (The show, not the guy. The guy was her guest. Have I lost you yet Cindi? ;-)

And he made uncluttering look so easy and so logical that I have to admit that it motivated me. This weekend I WILL begin to de-clutter. I WILL throw away; I WILL donate; I WILL sell and I WILL get past this stage in my life of feeling stuck in the mud!!!

Anyway, her site is http://www.oprah.com/ and there is a link to the guidelines right on her home page.

The thing about Oprah.....well.....she is living breathing proof that all the money in the world can not make you rich....thin....or happy. So maybe she's just human.

Isn't it fascinating how 11 months ago I was deluged by fear....focused on facing the "C" word...cancer, and now today I'm focusing on the "U" word.....Unclutter that is.

Life moves fast. What is important today may not be so important tomorrow. What was life-changing as a child may not be identified until adulthood. What is valuable to one, may be meaningless to another. I know I started this blog 11 months ago to have an outlet during my diagnosis and now it has turned into philosophical ramblings. I still love to hear "I read your blog" followed by "How are you feeling?" I'm glad that I have a handful of people who still check it to see what's going on in my pea-brain :-)

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Jake fell asleep early and I think I'm going to head to bed early as well.

I hope that who ever you are that when you read my words that I make you smile, or cry, or appreciate, or just plain think. I hope that whoever you are....that my words make you feel something. That is the greatest gift I could hope for.

Good night.
Doris

Relationships

That's what I am learning about. Relationships. Family...friends...co-workers...landlords...doctors...neighbors...even someone you have very little contact with is still a relationship of sorts. The thing is....I got focused on the bad relationships and let that suck the life out of me. The good relationships - the people that you know would be there for you and support you unconditionally - those are the relationships to focus on. Focus on the good stuff in life and the bad, negative or just plain crappy stuff just sort of disolves and disappears. Giving your energy to the wrong things is physically and mentally exhausting and at the end of the day it gets you nowhere.

A week and a half ago I began having some body aches. And then last Saturday I officially started my Arimidex. A side effect of Arimidex is joint pain. When I am under a great deal of stress my neck and shoulders become tight and extremely sore. I went to the chiropractor twice this week and I'm wearing a lovely menthol scented "Biofreeze" on my neck and shoulders. Now if that doesn't get me a man...nothing will!! Just kidding!!! Hopefully as I go through more self-discovery the stress will leave my body. See....focusing on the wrong things is what brings me down...makes me feel old and unimportant. When I know that's not really the case.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. As I mentioned above - self-discovery. Determining what brought Doris to where she is at this time in her life. What happened in my past that I need to identify and work through and eventually accept and get past. I need to identify the healthy relationships and let go of the negative ones. I need to accept that I do not have to like everyone in this world that I encounter, nor does everyone have to like me. Wow - that was a big statement for me. I used to actually care about what complete strangers thought of me --- what point is there in that???!!!

So if you can't tell, my meeting this week with Dr. Stenslie was an eye opener! lol

I have had Jacob with me for 12 days while Dan and Jenn were on their honeymoon. THIS KID IS AMAZING!!!!! Every day he makes me laugh and makes me realize how blessed I am. I will be lost tomorrow when he's gone to see his dad and new stepmom!!

When you're having a bad day remember to count your blessings. Be happy for what you have - not what you don't have.

A note to my dear friend Charlotte Mason -- You may not be at work physically, but you are in my heart and thoughts always. You are a fighter. I love you!!!

Doris

Celebration Dolls - Very Cool!

http://www.arimidex.com/celebration/

My new meds

Here is a link to the new meds I (finally) started. Yes, I did put it off for longer then I should have. Dr. Hammond wanted me on it after Labor Day weekend. Anyway, I started yesterday. At 1 a.m. this morning I was suffering a splitting headache. Then it grew to a migraine. At 8 I had to call my mom and have her come over and hang out with Jake so that I could take my migraine meds and go back to bed with an ice pack on my head. By noon I was ok. No idea if there is any correlation - Just needed to vent. lol

http://www.arimidex.com/arimidex-about/side-effects.aspx

Back again :-)

Ya know what? Time really DOES heal wounds.

I keep catching myself smiling today. It's pretty cool.

Doris

Bragging rights...

Last night Jake and I met some friends at the Barrington Recreation's "Trunk or Treat" event. This was a simple event, and yet was so much fun. Jake had a good time and we walked around and checked out all the decorated trunks and got candy. Jake would say "thank you" to each person who put candy in his bag. One guy said "For saying thank you, you can take another piece!"

I read a phrase this morning that said we should appreciate the small, simple things in life because when we reflect back on those moments, we will realize they were the big things. And I think that is what I mean about last night -- it was really simple and we were there for only about a half an hour, but it was quality time and we have a new memory.

Among the list of good things that came from my relationship with Dan, are the friends I made and have retained after the divorce. There was no 'choosing of sides' and we have plenty of other things in this world to talk about! So I just want to say thanks to Trish and Larry, Caleb, Zach and Nathan for meeting us last night. I know that it has been hard for people to get me to come out of my apartment and actually function as a normal adult, and I thank Trish for never giving up on me. I look forward to getting to know each other better.

That's it for now. I can say that again this has been a week of learning about myself and those around me. I continue in my preparation for greatness!

Doris

Clarification

Sorry folks, but the pic I added to my blog is OLD. It's a picture I took after Dan moved out that I was going to add to a dating sight that I never joined. lol - but thanks for all the compliments!!!

Anyway, believe it or not my hair is getting long. Yay! But my color...eww...I don't like it. I mean...I like to have a little personality in my hair which is usually playing with the color. My stylist Tina won't let me color it this time - she strictly prohibits it and said "highlights only!" so I'll follow her rules :-)

Besides, of all the things on the extensive list that could have caused my cancer, coloring my hair is very close to the top.

Tomorrow I can head back to work. I've been down with bronchitis and a sinus infection. My doctor is awesome and the meds are working quickly to clear my lungs.

I took a hot shower and went out and picked up some groceries and I'm so proud of myself - I didn't deviate from the list and I didn't overspend. This economy sucks. No two ways about it.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. My Arimidex should be here soon from my mail order prescription company. I started getting hot flashes about a week ago. And might I just say that if you've never experienced them......hot flashes are brutal.

My little man is 7 years old today - how cool is that????? Very!

Doris

My what a rollercoaster I ride!!!

I spent most of today in bed. It was ok. I needed it. I did not spend one single solitary moment this weekend feeling blue or sorry for myself or anything truly negative for that matter. Instead, I kinda' just....(dare I say it????)...lived. This weekend I was the 41 year old single mom whose son was gone with his dad and she was sick and took care of herself. Holy crap. Amazing.

So...Dan and Jenn got married yesterday. Again, I truly am happy for them because if they are happy, then Jake is happy and that is what truly matters in the broad spectrum.

I did do a bit of cleaning yesterday when I was feeling up to it. I love a clean home - it makes me feel accomplished. It is so easy for this place to get turned upside down between Jake and I. When Jake is not here I just kind of come and go and do my own thing and pay little or no attention to my surroundings. When Jake is here, I admittedly let him be a bit of a free spirit. I mean, he still has rules and guidelines and responsibilities, but I let him express himself and that tends to lead to a messy house!!! lol

What else to talk about? I'm not really sure. I'm just going with the flow tonight. The emotional rollercoaster has made a pit stop!!!

Doris

I keep losing the focus.

That's my problem. I keep losing the focus on what is right, what is important and what is crucial to a happy, stable life.

It's after 10pm on Friday night. I have received emails from friends who keep up with my blog and they have offered their opinions, suggestions, love and support.

Tonight I am sitting here and I realize that I keep forgetting about me. Me, me, me. When someone new comes into my life, I focus on THEM. Instead, I should maintain the focus on myself and they should be a complement to my own existence. They should not...BECOME my existence. Sometimes though I think I find it easier to focus on others and try and help them through their trauma, drama, happiness and sadness to avoid facing my own. I'm 41 years old. I'm a mom. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm an aunt. I'm a co-worker. I'm an employee. I'm a daughter. I'm a victim. I'm a statistic.

Today at work I essentially started coming down sick all over again. The sinuses are filled up, the chest is heavy with congestion. I am physically exhausted. Hmm...I wonder why? Yeah you got it...I lost my focus.

My little man turns 7 on Tuesday. My job is going really well. Get the focus back....just get the focus back.

Dr. Stenslie said that when reading my blog he sees the honesty. Well...this is me being me. Sometimes I open up to friends this intimately. Sometimes I hold it all inside. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts. Come to find out.....everyone has something they wish they could change, improve upon, begin, end or accept. I'm pretty normal and have just chosen to continue to use this blog as a means to express some thoughts and emotions and I pray to God that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

One of my dearest friends has just been given the same diagnosis I received last January - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Please add Charlotte Mason and her family to your prayer list. I am so proud to call Charlotte my friend. We connected very quickly when we worked together and she is someone I have always been able to be myself with. Charlotte loves me for who I am. I love Charlotte for who she is. And now to the very long list of what she is, I will add "fighter" and in 2009 I know I will proudly call her a fellow "survivor." Charlotte stopped in to work today and checked in with everyone. As a result, I believe she received a great deal of love and support from her friends and former co-workers. I had made a sign that I have kept on my wall in my office since returning back to work after the first two surgeries -- "I fight like a girl" in pink letters with a pink ribbon. I took it down this morning and gave it to Charlotte. I hope it will give her a smile and a sense of empowerment in difficult times like it did for me.

People ask me if I participated in any of the Breast Cancer walks this year. My quick answer is "no" but the honest and more specific answer is this: It was too soon. Emotionally and physically I was not ready to join this incredible crowd of people all standing up against this sick disease. I'm putting in writing - right here and now - as a pledge to myself and to all of my family and friends that in 2009 I will be an active participant in AT LEAST one Breast Cancer walk in 2009. I'm thinking of building a "team" as well. So if you are up for some cardio in the coming year, keep this cause in mind.

I'm so excited to take Jake out this Halloween - with so many options, he still hasnt' decided on a costume, but I know he'll be the cutest ghoul out there!!

As always - thanks for checking in!!
Doris

The next struggle.

I am writing tonight with a heavy heart. As I noted in my last entry, I have experienced some startling revelations over the past week and a half. I will NOT divulge details other then to say that I am experiencing "repressed memories" of abuse as a young child.

With that said, I have much more learning and growing to do. My friend "Joey" says that this revelation and the growth that will come from working through this will give me a 'new lease on life' - whatever the hell that means. I will try to use my blog to work through some of my struggles as I feel appropriate.

My ex-husband is remarrying on Saturday. All I will say is I wish them the very best.

Life moves fast and if you don't move with it you get left behind. I think I'm getting pretty tired of sitting on the bench and watching life blur past me.

I am tired...emotional...fighting off a cold...I am feeling very low. I saw Dr. Stenslie today and frankly, out of all that we discussed, the one thing that keeps coming to me is our discussion about "control." Sorry - not our discussion, because that suggests that I actually said something. Tonight was mostly me crying and him doing the talking. As a child control was taken from me. As an adult I have let that happen as well in different instances and different cases. Some how I need to learn to regain control.

At the same time, I will need to learn to let go of the past. "Joey's" quote next to his senior yearbook picture says "The past is the past, the future is what matters." Such wise words from someone who at the time was only 18 and is now 43 and dealing with his own demons.

Jake is with his dad for the next 5 days. I think I need some time to reflect. Please God...let this be last 'test' for me...I am becoming weary from the battles.

good night.

Treading lightly right now.

Some startling revelations have come my way in the past few days. I will not expand upon it right now except to say that I will be fine. It's not the cancer or anything, it's just some very personal stuff I need to deal with. As soon as some key people are made aware, then I will use this blog as a forum to help me. You have all been so supportive and I'm confident you will continue to be here for me.

Sorry to be so vague.

Enjoy the beautiful fall colors -- they are truly a gift from God.

Doris

Life is about choices...

...yup, that's right. And I'm here to admit I've made a couple of bad choices. Let's see....I chose to eat bad food that led to me being overweight; I chose to neglect my cleaning duties and let my apartment become a disaster area; I chose to sleep a lot and function as a human being as little as possible which led to a vicious cycle of "not having a life."

Making conscious choices that are bad for you....that's detrimental to your body and your mind.

Taking control and ownership of those decisions puts YOU in control of life. Not vice-versa.

I want control and ownership of my mind and body. Prior to being diagnosed with cancer, I had relinquished control - I let myself go both physically and mentally and it was damaging. Then for 6 months the doctors took control. And now it's my turn. This will be a huge change but a necessary change in my life. But it's the simple things that will make huge improvements in the end. And I can do this. It won't be easy - but what is that saying about things worth having and not being easy or something? Anyway, today I ate some halloween candy - ok I binged. I feel lethargic and guilty. Those two 'feelings' will stay in my mind in the hopes that next time maybe I'll stop myself before I do. I can only hope.

My friend Lisa called me at home this week. I was so happy to hear from her. She is doing great. She's got some rehab and hard work ahead of her, but I have faith that she's going to be ok. She's a tough cookie and I'm so proud of her!

I think that's it for now. Thanks for checking in on me.
Doris

So much to tell....

Hello out there --- I have a lot to share tonight. But first, I want everyone to check out the link to this blog: http://tappanfamilyandfriendstrust.blogspot.com/

Mr. Tappan was my English teacher at Oyster River Middle School. When he took a sabatical, all the students were given the opportunity to approach him and shake his hand and wish him well. Now, I don't mean to brag, but I was the only one - to my knowledge - that Mr. Tappan gave a hug to on that day. When Mr. Tappan returned to teaching, he was my English teacher at Oyster River High School.

Mr. Tappan taught me a great deal. Things that until this very moment I had not realized. Here I am, 41 years old, recognizing the incredible impact that this man - this teacher - had on my life. Mr. Tappan taught me that it's ok to be honest. It's ok to approach subjects that some may consider 'sensitive.' He taught me to appreciate reading. He taught me to....well....express myself. In all seriousness, Mr. Tappan rocks!!! So please visit his blog - he is a man of such great strength and courage. I am so blessed to have had him as a teacher.

Last night I saw my therapist - his name is Dr. Craig Stenslie. He's awesome. He's honest and he helps me to be honest with myself. So last night I literally walked in to his office and sat down and said "I don't really have anything (to discuss) tonight." Well....that lasted all of 15 seconds.

I learned (as usual) more about myself. More about....life. And yet again I learned that I'm not so crazy afterall. In fact....dare I say it?...I'm kinda' normal....

So...in order to get over the sense of 'loss' or 'disappointment' or 'regret' that I have with various aspects of my life, I need to improve upon my current existence and those negative feelings will wash away. Wow - that was pretty deep huh? And if I truly want to lead a healthier lifestyle and put nutrition and exercise in the forefront, then I need to be willing to love myself as is and realize that I am DESERVING of a better way of life.

I'm going to cancel my online Weight Watchers membership. I'm going to do this work on my own. I KNOW what I need to do --- eat less, eat better and get this body moving!!! I deserve better....my son deserves better. What more do I need to say?

I've been hanging out with an old friend whom I used to work with. I'm going to call him "Joey" only because I've never known a "Joey" in my life and it maintains a little privacy. Anyway, Joey and I do stuff together. It's awesome. A drive to the beach, dinner....the simplest things and I feel like a million bucks. We are strictly friends. But it is amazing how a few simple changes and just getting out of the apartment can make you feel like a new person. He is a kind, caring guy and he makes me laugh. What more could I ask for?

Did you know that I'm a procrastinator? Oh yeah....big time....so Craig (Dr. Stenslie) and I talked about that. I wanted to go with the theory that I am just lazy. He wanted to go with the theory that I avoid doing things because there is an emotional route or reason behind it. So guess what??? Yeah he's right. I told him that I wash my dishes but will let the silverware pile up in the sink until I have no spoons left to stir my coffee. Well...I guess (ok, I KNOW) I resent the fact that I am no longer in my 3 bedroom. 2 1/2 bath colonial with a dishwasher that used to take care of the tedious silverware for me and so....I avoid it.

All of the stuff from my storage unit STILL fills my mom's second bedroom and her sun porch. I NEED to weed through the stuff and have a yard sale and post stuff online to sell and minimize the junk and make some money at the same time. Well guess what? Yup....going through that stuff...it has memories attached to it that I sometimes am not strong enough to work through. But after going through the various stages of loss, I am finally at "acceptance" with my divorce. So it's time to get moving and get the stuff cleaned out and let mom have a little wiggle room back in her home!

I realized recently what my job lacks ---- it lacks completion of projects....it lacks 'goals and objectives.' Instead I trudge through (literally) a pile of paperwork everyday only to have more added the next day. There is no feeling of satisfaction for a job well done. There is no feeling of relief when a big project comes to fruition. It is paperwork day in and day out. What can be done about that? I'm not sure. Maybe some thought will come to mind.

The weekend --- did I tell you about the weekend???? CRAZY BUSY!!!! Saturday we headed up to the Fryeburg Fair. It was a long day and Jake and I were both exhausted, as was the rest of my family. Now let me back up for a moment and say that on Friday night I dropped my truck off at the Nissan dealership for a Saturday appointment to get my front passenger side seatbelt un-knotted (I'll explain in a second). So on the way home after the fair, I had to get dropped off at the dealership to pick up my truck. Sunday we headed to the corn maze in Lee (www.nhcornmaze.com) and then to Butternut Farm in Rochester for Apple Picking. I went to work on Monday exhausted from the busy weekend!

So about the seatbelt...a couple weeks ago on a Friday night on our way home Jake decided it might be fun to tie his sleeve of his jacket up in the seatbelt in front of him. When we got to the apartment and I discovered it, I told him we would deal with it later and that was it. Well...we ended up staying in all weekend and on Monday morning when we headed out for daycare, I discovered that the seatbelt fairies never arrived to miraculously untie the knot over the weekend. I tried to untie it. My mom tried to untie it. Jake tried to untie it. I had to cut the sleeve of his jacket in order to get it out of the knotted seatbelt. It was a heavy duty knot. ANYWAY....I was able to make the appointment for Saturday at the dealership to have them either fix it or replace it. They called while we were at the fair to let me know that the seatbelt was "all set." Which led me to believe they got the knot out.

So, we get to the dealership at like 4:10 p.m. so the Service Department was closed. A salesman saw me and asked if he could help and I told him I was there to pick up my truck. We walked over to the cashier station and he pulled out the paperwork and handed me my keys and a receipt and said "You're all set" at which point I looked at the receipt expecting to get hit for an hour of labor or something. And there it was...the most beautiful sight.... the receipt said "N/C" -- which translated means "No Charge"!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked up at the salesman and said "Oh my God I'm going to cry. You guys take such good care of me!!" How cool is that? VERY COOL!

Ok...and last but not least...Monday night Joey and I went out for dinner. I took a shower before heading out and guess what??!!.....I styled my hair and I got to use hairspray baby!!!!!!!!!!!!! yahoooooooooo!!!!!!! Yup....I officially sort of have a hairstyle again!!!!! Life is good.

Thanks again for checking in. Please keep Ed and Pat Kelvington in your thoughts and prayers.

Doris

Got some work to do...

...I had a date last night. I was looking forward to it. Let's say that it was a nice meal, good conversation. And I realized....actually...he asked me if I was ready to start dating again and I said "No."

I need more ME time. More Jake and Mommy time. More....Doris without cancer time. More "time to get in some sort of healthy shape" time.

I will sit here tonight and confess that I have not followed Weight Watchers now for several weeks. I have been honest about all of this. It sucks. I have nothing to fear by losing the weight ---- but the pride of being able to say "I did it myself" as opposed to saying "I did Weight Watchers" would be monumental. I will get out of this little rut -- please bare with me!!! It is a common pattern for me, but this time I am not willing to accept defeat.

On 9/26 I had to go down to the kitchen at work for the first time this school year. I could feel Pat Larney's presence. I know he will always be around us. I miss him.

Honey Cascio got incredible news yesterday which - when I was told this morning - brought me to tears. Honey's treatments have resulted in her being cancer free. Thank you all so much for your support and prayers. Please continue to keep her and her family in your thoughts.

I would also like to add Ed and Pat Kelvington to your prayer lists. I work with Pat and her husband Ed has been battling cancer and it's related complications for some time now. He has good days and bad days - and Pat is a real trouper, but I know she is mentally, physically and emotionally exhausted. We need to pray to give her and Ed strength.

Thanks for checking in on me. It means the world to me that a handful of people still approach me and say "I read your blog --- how are you doing?" Very cool.

I guess that's it for now.

Jake is asleep so I'm heading to bed early. That is truly a blessing!!!

Doris

Today

Well...I'm learning a lot about me. Maybe I was in denial or maybe I just didn't know the real me. I'm finally getting to know the real me and it's pretty cool.

I saw Dr. Marble and Sue LaFlamme today. Essentially I had scheduled the appointment because...well....the right breast is smaller than the left.

So what did I learn today? I learned that I like to have things planned - I prefer to have a goal or a end in sight.

Today I had to be weighed at the office and I was pleased when Sue told me I've dropped about 20 lbs since I first met her in January.

When Dr. Marble walked in she said "Doris why are you losing all this weight?" and I looked at her and said "Because I'm fat?!"

So the plan is this ---- hit my weight goal and THEN I will go in for outpatient procedure to have the left breast implant reduced. The thing is --- as I'm dropping weight, the right one - the real one - is getting a little bit smaller. The left one is an implant and therefore other then some minor fatty tissue reduction, that breast will stay the same size. Am I making sense? lol -- they called it some sort of procedure (scar something??) but right now that term escapes me.

So having a plan is good. It's a goal to work toward. Having goals and and focus...it's a good thing. I feel good about it.

Jake has a wicked head cold. Seems like everyone either has a cold or flu-type thing going on right now. It's that time of year I guess. I'm mega dosing on Vitamin C and Airborne to try to avoid the same illnesses!!

So (yes, I'm jumping all over the place today) I had a saying that came to me 2 years ago --- "Doris - prepare for greatness!" And frankly, at the time I had NO IDEA what that meant. But I have kept it in the back of my mind all this time. Anyway.....with each step of the way I'm learning more about myself and I think I'm heading toward that greatness.

Pat Larney was laid to rest yesterday. I attended his wake on Tuesday. It helped to give me some closure. I will miss him. I do miss him. I'm not ready to even go downstairs to the kitchen at the school yet. I will feel his absence and I'm not ready for it.

I'm seeing my Psychologist today. With the things that have come to the surface as of late, I thought it was time to work through some of this stuff.

I guess that's it for now. I want to thank Sue and Dr. Marble - they are the best and they always make me feel at ease!!

Doris

A beautiful fall day....

My friend Cindi will be quick to remind me that Fall does not officially start until Monday, but this beautiful weather and the already changing colors of the trees gives me a great sense of peace and calm.

Fall was my dad's favorite season. As I have 'matured'....I too have learned to appreciate it's beauty. The sights...the sounds....the smells.

The sights: The beautiful trees
The sounds: Geese flying in a V formation heading south
The smells: Fried dough at the fair!!!

So I'm going to continue to blog. I may start one under a different title, but I am going to continue to write. I am so pleased to announce (insert horns here) that I have lost a total of 12.2lbs. I am on my way to my first 15 and I'm very excited. I am also relieved because I have not followed the Weight Watchers program since my last procedure which was August 11th. So, this is just more incentive to get on track again and move forward!

So...I know I have reached out to my blog readers with questions in the past. Your replies have brought me opposite ways of thinking, opened my eyes, and at times absolutely confirmed my own feelings.

Todays topic is one that I hope you can provide your feedback on. And, if you would rather email me then post to my blog, my email is dorislachance@metrocast.net.

Q: CAN MEN AND WOMEN TRULY BE 'JUST FRIENDS'? IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO YOU ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO?

Thanks for checking in.

ENJOY THE SEASON!!!!

Today. Just for today.

My friend Steve says that I need to focus my energies on what I DO have instead of feeling bad about what I do NOT have. He is right.

My friend Cindi tells me I need to think positively. She is right.

My scale says I need to get off my lazy ass and start following Weight Watchers again and get to my goal. It's right too.

ME --- I need to regain the focus on me. Remind myself that I am someone's friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, mother....aunt. People value me and I value them.

Gotta regroup. Gotta get the focus back. It'll happen.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Sadness and fear.

Today my co-worker Pat Larney passed away.

A few entries back I had asked for your prayers for he and his family.

Now I ask that you continue those prayers for his soul to be at peace and for strength for his family and the many, many people who called him friend.

Pat was a good man. He supported me during my diagnosis and treatment. He would refer to me in emails as "Kiddo" and sent me inspirational messages on occasion to brighten my day.

My first interaction with Pat was when I first started getting school lunch with my friend Sue. I would send Pat emails raving about the kitchen's pasta salad. After that it became visits in the early morning to grab a cup of coffee.

Pat always asked how I was holding up and we would compare chemo experiences and it fostered a feeling of "you're not in this alone."

I feel tremendous loss. I sit here tonight having a difficult time remembering my last interaction with him, because he did not come in to the school over the summer. I did not get to tell him I am a Survivor. He did not get to see my new hair.

His wife has lost her husband. His children have lost their dad. His friends have lost an incredible friend. His co-workers have lost a leader. I think life is damned short. If you die at 5 or 105. It's too short.

Treat each day as if it were your last. If you love someone, tell them. If you have regrets, repair them. If you have anger and resentment....forgive.

Rest In Peace Pat.

Doris

Quick update

All is well on my end. I am dealing with headaches, migraines and serious funk-depression but for the most part I'm keeping things in perspective.

I have to send in my prescription for Arimidex (sp?) which I have to start taking. I will be on that for 5 years. I was suppose to start it after Labor Day weekend.

I guess it has a common side effect of causing ovarian cancer, but since my ovaries were removed....that's a non-issue.

That's it for now. I'm soooo tired.

Thanks for checking in.

Doris

Update

As of this morning I have lost 11.6lbs.
The weight loss is going slower then I would prefer, but I need to work a bit harder with the Weight Watchers program and I need to get my body moving. Still haven't started any walking or exercise routine.

I'm bummed out. This is pretty personal, but I figure that if you're reading this you already know quite a bit of what I've been through. Well, tonight when I changed into my jammies...I looked down at my cleavage. The real one 'sits' differently then the silicone one. The silicone one also looks larger. Dr. Marble says it is still swollen and will be for awhile. I hope that is the case and soon they will....well...match.

I've come so far. I've been through so much. I can handle this. It does not make me less of a mom, friend, employee, co-worker...aunt....anything. I'm still me.

There is a major undertaking on t.v. tonight. The "Stand Up to Cancer" program. Ya know what? I can't watch it. I watched about 5 minutes of it and they were profiling a young girl who is fighting the fight. I can't with good conscience watch any story where someone is personally suffering. And this little girl...and her parents....they are fighting, but they are suffering. Had to change the channel. Don't know if this is denial or what. I can sit here right now at this very moment even after typing about my cleavage and say to myself "Did I REALLY get diagnosed with breast cancer?????!!!!" "Did I REALLY have 3 surgeries???!!!!" "Did I REALLY become a survivor last month??!!" It just seems so bizarre.

I'm heading to bed. I'm on my way to the first 15lbs of weight loss. I'm pretty psyched!

Doris

p.s.

One other thing Cindi and I discussed tonight...I've gotta let go of the past and I can't compare myself to other people. I have to keep that statement a little vague, but I know Shaun will understand it.

Again, my thanks.
Doris

Thank you for the pep-talk Cindi!!!

It's Monday night - Labor Day holiday - and I have a pounding headache and I've been crying a lot.

I just got off the phone with Cindi. I also spoke with my friend Kim this afternoon and my friend Tony this morning.

Here's the guidelines as set forth by this group of wise individuals:

1. Think positively;
2. Keep busy;
3. When Jake is with his dad, I need to focus on ME;
4. I need to reach out to friends - phone calls, visits, etc.;
5. I've faced the past 8 months with great strength and it is now time to move forward and live my life to its fullest and breathe, take baby steps and work to improve my quality of life.

Hey Cindi --- did I miss anything??? :-)

I called my therapist this afternoon and left a message --- think I need to get in to see him.

I had Breast Cancer. Breast Cancer did NOT have me. And if I can face that with the backing of family and friends, then I can face anything. Whatever this is that I am dealing with --- depression, anxiety, hormone-related sensitivity ---- whatever this is.....I'm going to kick its ass. Because my son, my friends and my family believe in me and I REALLY need to start believing in myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.
Doris

Post #3....I found this link

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/ovary_removal.jsp

Ya' know what? I will never have a normal life. I don't know when I ever did.

Such is my life. Entry #2 for Sunday.

Went for a drive. Feeling very sad...lonely...depressed. But I'm keeping it in perspective. It has to be hormone related and the fact that my ovaries were removed. Just had to type. Thought it might help.

Going to do some more cleaning up around the apartment and try to get my mind off things. Ya know what? A friend of mine said Friday "The past is the past, it's the future that matters." So true. I think.

D--

The latest

Sorry I haven't written lately. Kinda' getting back in to the real world again. I've spent some time with a couple of old friends and gotten back out socially a little bit which has been nice.

My hair is growing in pretty quickly. People really seem to like it and many tell me I should keep it this short all the time!!!

My friend Lisa has been told she's looking at 6 months to a year before she'll be back 100%. But I know my Lisa, and I know it won't take that long. She is so driven. She'll make the doc's shake their heads in amazement when she surpasses all of their expectations. She's a fighter with an incredibly optimistic attitude that will pull her through this.

Let's see.....I treated myself to Chinese food last night and my hands are swollen today - must be the sodium content.

The skin on my arms has been a problem since moving out of the house in Nottingham. I did some research and it appears to be Keratonin Pilaris. I found a site called DermaDoctor and they sell something called "KP Duty" and after only two treatments my skin has improved. It's wierd, but I must say, that while undergoing chemo, all the symptoms of the condition had disappeared. Only when it returned did I take it seriously and start looking into it.

What else? Hmmmm...when I went in last Monday to get my stitches out of the left breast they couldn't do it. So on Wednesday I went back and Dr. Marble ok'd the removal but I have to keep steri-strips on the incision for a little while. They're healing a little slower and I confessed that I didn't lay off the caffeine this time as was drilled into my head after the other surgeries ;-) such a rebel I am. LOL

I think that's about it. Everyday.......every single day I am coming out of my shell a little bit more...not fearing that strangers will stare at me..feeling whole again. Dating on occasion. I've taken some pretty big steps. I can actually sit here right now and say I'm pretty damned proud of myself. Yeah. I'm damned proud.

And my little man? Well, he is LOVING school...the bus...and his new childcare center. He's just so cool and so amazing!!!!!

Thanks for checking in.

Doris

My son made me cry....

...when I picked up Jake tonight we started a discussion as we traveled down Route 125 and he said "I'm glad you don't have any more cancer and you're all done with surgeries" and I said "Me too buddy - what does that make me?" and he said with great pride "A SURVIVIOR!" How cool is that????

Anyway, work was a bit out of control today but no biggy.

I weighed myself this morning and my total loss is 9lbs. I guess I didn't fall too far off the wagon after all. :-)


Doris

Updates

1. I feel great;
2. My friend Lisa is back home. She has a visiting nurse and physical and occupational therapy. She is expected to make a full recovery (thank you God!);
3. Jakes 1st day of school is (too) fast approaching;
4. Work is crazy-busy and I'm lovin' it!;
5. My mom is nearly fully recovered from her fall last month, however she won't accept that her age is slowing her down and seems to keep re-aggravating a pinched nerve in her neck;
6. I have SLIGHTLY fallen off the Weight Watchers Wagon. This is ok - I'm totally ok with it. Time to refocus my energies and get back on track.
7. I have incredible family, friends and co-workers!!!!

Doris

Back to work

I'm returning to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. For me...too much time on my hands leads to laziness and depression. Let me clarify ---- when Jake is with his dad, too much time on my hands leads to laziness and depression.

Last night I got hit with some major energy at around 8pm and ended up rearranging my living room. Now I have two lovely piles of junk on the floor to go through and reduce to a workable amount of random paperwork, etc.

School starts next week, so I'm nervous. Big changes for Jake, and each time we are embarking on a new routine, I turn in to a bowl of jiggling jelly worrying about how he'll adjust and yet he always blows me away with his ability to adapt. I worry too that my anxiety might rub off on him, so I do my best to keep a brave face for my little man.

This morning my mom called and woke me up, we ended up getting together for lunch and some shopping. For several months my mom has had a purple cancer survivor ribbon magnet for me, but I refused to take it. This morning, when we were on the phone I said "When you come over, can you bring my purple survivor ribbon?" and she did. When we left my apartment, I walked to the back of my truck and placed the Survivor magnet beside the Breast Cancer Awareness magnet. And I got choked up...and then a huge wave of relief came over me. Some people think these magnets are tacky......I have displayed them in the past for support of others....displaying one that reflects my own battle makes them all that more important to me. Now when I see one on a car...I think about....my battle and the fact that anyone displaying one has some how been affected.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Please keep Lisa Gunville in your prayers. Lisa has been my best friend for many years and the news of her stroke has hit me hard. I love her so much. She is someone who I know would do anything for me, and I for her. Sometimes it is words of wisdom from her that help me face a tough day. She is an eternal optimist and she has tried to teach me, but I've been a tough pupil! She says that she always likes it when I refer to her in my blog and she giggles when she admits it. So as I type this my eyes fill with tears. Lisa has been my rock through some of the toughest phases of my adult life. I just hope she knows how much she has touched my life and has made me face my issues head on and of course, there is always her favorite saying which I tell her I can not stand...."It is what it is Doris." Ahhhhh!!!!!! lol! LOVE YOU LISA!!!!

Thanks for reading.
Doris

Prayers please

My friend Lisa Gunville has suffered a mild stroke. Please, please keep her in your prayers. I love her so much and wish I could be with her right now.

Awesome news!

Just got a phone call ---- pathology results from my ovaries came make normal. Yahhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to accept the title "Survivor"!!!!!

I am feeling great and the only pain I am experiencing is at the incision sites from the ovary removal. Otherwise? Doing great!

Thanks for checking in. I never could have imagined the love and support I would receive during this difficult time in my life. You all rock!!!

Today

I got to the hospital early and they actually took me in for surgery early. It was a long day. 1 1/2 hrs successully removing the ovaries and tubes with no complications and 1 1/2 removing the tissue expander and putting in my new silicone implant.

Problem was they had a hard time getting me to come out of anesthesia and they were going to admit me because my concetration levels were so low. This same thing happened when I had my mastectomy. Anyway, the nurse took me for a walk and the saturation levels greatly improved and I was able to head home about 4:15.

I'm dealing with a lot of discomfort --- thus the reason I'm blogging at this hour ---but otherwise I'm ok. Well...a little down...but ok.

Thanks,
Doris

Anticipation

Surgery tomorrow. I have to be at Exeter Hospital at 8:45 and surgery is scheduled for 10:30.

I am a nervous wreck. I have "what if" syndrome today....."What if they open me up and find cancer in my uterus or ovaries or whatever?"...."What if they can't do the laperscopic procedure and have to cut me open like a fish?"

"What if this is not the last cancer related experience of my life?"

Klonopin helped to ease some of the anxiety but has replaced that symptom with another one -- depression. I"m in a serious funk right now. Need to be strong...keep the faith....hope for the best....breathe...

I'll check in again soon.

Doris

p.s.

I have lost 8.2lbs so far. :-)

Drama - I've had enough

I feel great today.
I called in to work and I'm so glad I did. Caught up on some sleep before I get Jake back tonight and shortly I head to Exeter Hospital for chest x-rays.
Jake and his Aunt and cousins are going to see Space Chimps - he was very excited last night!!
So.....I wore a sports bra to bed last night and I already feel better...this is a good thing.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Today

My friend Nora met me at Exeter Hospital and I met with Dr. McKee. After an exam and discussion it would appear that this burning sensation that I am experiencing may be:
1. Estrogen related;
2. Nerve regeneration; or 3. Related directly to the fact that I had stopped wearing sports/support bras to bed at night.

So if it's estrogen related, the problem will cease after the ovaries are removed next week. If it's bra related I'll know pretty quickly because I'll go back to wearing them as of tonight.

It was kind of weird seeing a new doctor at this stage, however Dr. Palladino and Dr. Marble are in Bolivia doing missionary work. It was helpful to have Dr. Palladino's nurse there - I'm more comfortable with people I am familiar with.

So...Dr. McKee said I am coming up on a "landmark" surgery Monday. I paused and stared at him and asked him what he meant. He said that usually having the ovaries removed is essentially the last step for someone with my diagnosis. Meaning...I'm on my way to better days. My eyes filled with tears and my emotions - well, I can't describe. It felt good. It just felt good to hear.

Anyway, I'm all registered for the procedures on Monday. I just need to go in tomorrow to have some chest x-rays done which they told me is common for a chemo patient prior to surgery.

Nora -- If you read this and you want to add anything, let me know. :-)

Doris

Another bump in the road.

You'll note that a few weeks ago I had a cyst removed from one of the incision lines on my right breast. Well...associated with that was some intense burning sensations in the breast tissue. I thought that the burning was related to the cyst. Well, the cycst is gone and the painful burning sensation keeps returning. This feeling is so intense....it feels like my breast is burning from the inside out. When it occurs it lasts for several hours.

I called Dr. Marbles Medical Assistant - Sue LaFlamme and she sounded concerned. She told me to take 800mg of Motrin and apply low heat to the area. If the pain is not improved or does not respond to this treatment I have to call her first thing tomorrow morning to get in and see someone.

Both Dr. Marble and Dr. Palladino are currently out of the country doing charity work. If I need to be seen tomorrow, I will see Dr. Palladino's partner, Dr. McKee.

I think I tried to deny this and should not have. I have to learn to take these things more seriously. You'd think I would have learned by now. Anyway, I'm heading to bed to see if the treatment will help.

I'll update my blog tomorrow. Thanks.

Time to talk

As time has passed I have thought "I need to make post #100 something special." I had no idea what I meant, or what my intentions were. I just thought....wow...I have shared 99 blog entries and I guess I think #100 should be special.

The thing is....it is Sunday late afternoon and I feel completely empowered at this moment. I feel I have regained much needed control over my life. I grocery shop every week with my son; I sleep well every night; I cook now and I'm not just a microwave queen. I take all my vitamins and supplements everyday and drink tons of water. Things happen in their own time. For me...the time has come to take control. This is a great feeling. A little scary? Hell yeah. But exciting and empowering as well.

Last week I dealt with a little bit of "Poor Little Ol' Me" Syndrome and revisited thoughts that I was never going to find a special man to share my life with. But ya' know what? It doesn't matter. A relationship will not define me. In fact, if I do find someone to open my heart to ever again he will have to be both very special and very lucky. Actually...one relationship will define me...being a mom. And I'm very proud of that definition.

The past 8 months (wow - I was about to type 7 and realized it is already August) I have learned a lot. I have learned about myself, my family, my friends, my job, my faith...virtually every aspect of my life has been affected by my January diagnosis. And now....the prospect of "Survivor" brings on a whole new set of thoughts, feelings, hopes and expectations. Am I going to go jump out of a plane or repel a massive mountain? Hell no, I'm not crazy. But I guess I'm starting to realize that I've been given a second chance. I need to embrace that.

Recently I have seen people and they ask "How are you doing?" and I say "Great! I feel great!" and the response is always "You LOOK great!" -- how cool is that? Very, very cool. It's a happiness I can't hide and a smile I can't hold back. It is a fresh new beginning.

Thank you for reading. There is a wonderful feeling that comes over me when someone says "I read your blog" and then the phrase will continue with some sort of question or positive remark and I am validated. People care. How lucky are we that we have friends and family to look to...to depend upon in our times of need? But here's the thing --- remember that your family and friends are there in time of happiness too. That is what I need to work on now. I need to reach out in good times...and I will.

Doris

My bad....

sorry my update has been delayed. I think I've kinda'....started living again and I'm not letting this (the C word) consume me anymore.

Anyway, I met Dr. Ober on Wednesday and she was awesome!! I will go in on August 11th to have my ovaries and tubes removed. She was also able to coordinate with Dr. Marble so while I'm under anethesia Dr. Marble will remove this tissue expander and put in my implant.

After that somewhere down the road I'll need to schedule nipple reconstruction for the left breast and then....God willing....this will be behind me.

I want to ask that if you are reading my blog and keeping me in your prayers, please add Honey Cascio and her family and Patrick Larney and his family. Both are dealing with this cruel disease and they are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

That's it for now. Thanks for checking in.

Yucky

That's how I'm feeling. Must have a touch of a stomach flu or something.

My mom is doing great. She is going to physical therapy and she's moving around very well. Hopefully the splints will come off the ankle and wrist soon so she can drive.

Wednesday I see Dr. Ober, the gynecologist. I am hoping that on that day when I leave I'll have the removal of my ovaries all scheduled and I can move on from there.

There is a word that I have hesitated to use...until this weekend. The word "survivor." I have wondered what constitutes a cancer survivor. I mean...my mom is one. But I guess I'm not sure at what point I become one. Is it after the surgeries? Is it after treatments? Is there a specific day, date and time where you officially become a "survivor"? All I know is that this weekend I recognized myself as being a survivor. I think it's a title that you earn....when you win the fight. Right now I feel I have won the fight. Will it ever come back? I don't know...but for now...at this moment...I am a breast cancer survivor.

Doris

Sorry haven't written....

...time gets away from me it seems.

Last week I had to see Dr. Marble to have a cyst removed from the incision line on my right side. It was extremely, extremely, extremely painful. She cultured it for MRSA but no results yet.

Tomorrow will be a full week of not wearing headscarves. My hair is coming in nicely and I feel empowered. I feel like....if someone stares...it's ok...maybe seeing me will make someone schedule a physical..or a mammogram or whatever else they need.

My mom took a nasty fall on Saturday morning when we were out and it's bothering me a lot. No broken bones, but still. It was scary for both of us.

That's it for now.
Doris

Checking in....

....being a parent is a fascinating and amazing experience. My son continually proves this to me. We have had a great weekend and tomorrow he gets to go to his cousin's birthday party with his father's family. I am so thankful to have this little guy in my life.

I am feeling better...happier....stronger...healthier...every day. My energy is increasing...my quality of sleep (withOUT meds) has been awesome.....and my frame of mind is..optimistic. I feel great.

I have lost about 7lbs already on Weight Watchers. Eating better food...drinking plenty of fluids..it's amazing (yes, one of my new and favorite words) how some simple changes can improve your quality of life.

I meet with Dr. Ober on July 30th. She is a gynecologist/surgeon at Exeter Hospital. Next step from there will be out patient surgery.

Ok, that's it for now.

Pretty good news...

Ok, here's the latest:

Dr. Hammond said my blood counts, platelets, etc., etc., are "just georgous!"

The blood tests show that my ovaries are still producing estrogen and are "going strong." So I have two options --- have the ovaries removed or go through a series of shots every three months. The shots essentially put the ovaries "to sleep."

To be proactive, I have asked that they be removed. I am waiting for Dr. Hammond's office to call me with appointment information to meet with Dr. Ober at Exeter Hospital. When I meet with Dr. Ober we will schedule the surgery. Dr. Ober is a gynecologist and I believe is head of surgery for Exeter Hospital.

Dr. Hammond thought that having the ovaries removed and the implant done at the same time was an excellent idea.

Recuperation time should be rather quick. Dr. Hammond advised his wife had a very similar procedure and was up and around 4 days after surgery.

I think that's it for now. I want to cry --- I think out of some degree of relief that this will not be a full hysterectomy and maybe --- just maybe --- this is going to be behind me soon.

I'll add more later. The heat and humidity are too much for me right now!!

At some sort of peace.

Yesterday I found myself feeling complete.....at peace. Both emotionally and physically. That feeling has spilled over in to today. How long will it last? I don't know. But I'm enjoying it while I have it.

I'll try to explain....

Mind body and soul working together and feeling relaxed...in the moment....satisfied. Why? I don't know. How? I don't know that either.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hammond. We'll discuss the removal of my ovaries. I want to combine this procedure with having the implant placed in my left breast. My hope? Two out patient surgeries combined in one day and then a move forward toward a better life.

I have some serious fears which loom over me. The fear of dying. The fear of dying young....early I guess. Sooner then I deserve to and sooner then my son should have to face. I have recently become aware of several people who, after treatments, chemo, radiation, remission.....they are diagnosed again. After such a tough battle....it's not fair. I fear this is my fate.

Friday night when I was out with Nora, I shared with her what Dr. Marshall said to me 7 months ago when she completed my first ultrasound. I guess it's time to say it out loud...share it with people so they can understand my fears. Dr. Marshall said to me, just prior to my mom being brought into the examining room, "Doris you're not going to die from this. In 10 years, maybe, but not right now." Her words hang over my head....even when I'm at my best...I fear what is next. I wonder what my future holds.

Dr. Marshall can go to hell. I'm all done with her and I'll tell as many people as I can not to go to her. She's hardened by too many years of delivering bad news that somewhere along the line she lost her bedside manner...her caring....her sensitivity. And she made me feel like a statistic and in my heart and mind I don't know how to forgive that.

Let's change the topic shall we? Ok.

I lost 4 pounds last week - my first week on Weight Watchers. This week I lost .4 lbs (yes, that's a decimal in front of the 4!!!) But as my friend Lisa would say "A loss is a loss so be happy!" So I'm happy because 4.4 lbs less of my body weight is a great start.

Thanks for checking in. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home from Dr. Hammond's office.

Doris

Update

Wow. I mean....wow. The 4th of July was good. Casual in the morning and then later I went to dinner with my mom. After that I went to see the movie Hancock with my friend Nora and then we went to IHOP for a snack.

I think in the past 2 years I have seen more movies in the theatre then I have in the past 20 years. I used to hate going to the movies. Now....I love it.

Today however was a different story. first let me say that I got home early last night - by 10. well, I have slept all day. I got up around 2pm to have something to eat and now at 8:30 I'm up to have something as well. Otherwise....I have been sleeping. I don't think I'm complaining....I guess my body needs it? So I'll try tomorrow to run some errands and get out of the apartment for awhile.

Tuesday I see Dr. Hammond. We will go over my lab work and discuss scheduling the removal of my ovaries. I am hopeful to combine that surgery with the change-out of my left tissue expander to an implant. It would be a great relief to combine the two.

I guess that's it for now. Oh - still wearing the headscarves....but probably not much longer :-)

Phew...no witnesses!!!

I just had to share this....because it was one of those things that you can't laugh at when it's happening, but boy was it funny.

Jake and I went grocery shopping after I picked him up tonight. So, when we got home he helped me carry in the groceries. He wanted the bag loops hung on his arms, which I did. He had a bag hanging from each arm and then exclaims "What else can I carry?! I'm a Christmas tree for Christ's sake!!!"

When I looked at him in absolute shock and asked "What did you just say?" He said "Uhm......I'm a Christmas tree?"

I'm so glad no one else heard it at the time.

Oh --- here's another one....I was checking out the rotisserie chicken at the grocery store and Jake said he had chicken last night and didn't want it again tonight. I said "Well, we'll fix you something else but mommy wants to have some chicken." At this point Jake was trying to change my mind about having chicken by announcing "Mommy that smells like RAT CHICKEN!!!" Where do they get this stuff? I was mortified. Luckily it didn't deter the guy who was standing by us who was also picking out his dinner.....

Anyway, I feel GREAT. I am sleeping well and my energy level is increasing. Work is going great as well. Thanks for checking in :-)

It's all good....I think

Hello -- I'm settling in for an evening of Scooby Doo followed by ICarly with my son. He enjoyed a full day at NHIS yesterday with 2 of his aunts and 3 of his cousins. I was stunned that when they finally did come home, it was because one of his aunts had a sore back...and NOT because the lil' guy was wiped out!!!

His Aunt Janet said "What was your favorite part of the day?" and with a huge toothless grin he said "The whole entire thing!!!"

Anyway, I'm doing well. Each time I return to work it is a little bumpy. Sometimes it's me...sometimes it's not. But all in all I survived the three day work week and I feel good...mentally and physically. My only physical complaint would be that I don't have a live-in chiropractor, but that's ok.

To all of you (geez you'd think I had 100's reading my blog - don't worry I'm not getting cocky) who are now on summer vacation from RHS, please know that I REALLY miss seeing all of you and I look forward to the end of August - even if you're not!!! :-)

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online last Monday so next Monday is my first weigh in. If you know me...you'll know NOT to approach me and ask how it's going. Just wait and see, as the proof will show in due time. I know one thing for sure - I was a raging bitch Thursday night - a direct result of watching what I eat. Makes me grumpy at first. But I'll get over it.

I have a question. Seriously. I have about a half inch of fuzzy hair. I'm personally ready to face the world without a head scarf....but is the world going to accept me? Please let me know your thoughts.

Goodnight.

p.s.

My hair is growing back.....it's super soft and I look like a fuzzy duckling!!

And one more thing I've learned to appreciate this week..........Men's diving in the Olympic Trials...damn...... ;-)

Being appreciative.

I'm 41 years old and I'm learning to be appreciative. I'll explain more in a minute.

So last week they removed 100cc's of fluid from my tissue expander. They asked me at the time if I felt better from it and at the time I said "uhm..no." But I have realized that now I feel more in proportion and less 'heavy' on the left side.

So....I've realized my appreciation for my son, my job, my co-workers and my friends. To appreciate is to realize their importance and enjoy them.

I head back to work tomorrow. Isn't it ironic that I had my best night's sleep last night and feel my best today? I can't wait to get back to work!!! I appreciate my job.

Thanks for checking in,
Doris

Oops, sorry :-)

I guess I forgot to follow up on Thursday's appointment at Dr. Marble's (thanks Bea!!!)

I went in for 9:30 a.m. and was greeted by a Nurse Practitioner (how horrible is it that her name completely escapes me right now???). Along with her was Sue LaFlamme, Dr. Marble's Medical Assistant. Shortly after, arrived Dr. Marble.

Now, Sue and Dr. Marble are like long time friends to me. They hug me when they see me, they ask me about how I'm doing and how my life is going....they don't just care about "Doris the Patient"...they care about "Doris....the human being." And I think it's fair to say that is exactly how all the staff at Exeter Hospital has treated me.

Anyway, the four of us began talking and the next thing I know I'm pulling my shirt up over my head for them to check out my scars, etc., and my head scarf came off with it....and I was embarassed for a brief moment. But the three of them told me that I looked great and that I shouldn't even bother wearing the scarves anymore. Sue specifically was very complementary. But I said "Sue...I look sick. I don't want people to see me like this and say 'That woman is sick' or...'that woman must have cancer." Sue just gave me a look...she didn't say anything...just gave me a look of "Oh puh-lease girlfriend!"

Anyway, they had a little trouble locating the spot where they insert the needle to draw out the fluid (of course...I mean....it couldn't have gone smoothly could it??!) So although the Nurse Practitioner was supposed to do the procedure, Dr. Marble ended up doing it. It went pretty quickly and was painless, as I have no feeling or sensation on my left side whatsoever.

I told them that Dr. Hammond wants to remove my ovaries and that it will most likely be done laporscopicly. Dr. Marble said that I can have the tissue expander in the left breast switched out for the permanent implant at the same time that I am under anesthesia for the ovary removal.

Let's see....where did the discussion go from there....oh yes - Dr. Marble said I would need to have a consult with a Ob/Gyn Surgeon in order to get my ovaries removed at Exeter Hospital. I am looking in to seeing Dr. Ober.

Today I ended up back at the Oncology office. I met with Judy - a Nurse Practitioner at Dr. Hammond's office. It essentially became more of a therapy session then anything and I left feeling a bit better. You see, I had called the office Sunday night in tears to tell them that I just wasn’t feeling well and I wanted to have someone call me back on Monday. My symptoms/complaints:
1. Loss of feeling in many of my toes;
2. Extreme neck and head pain (muscular);
3. Hot flashes;
4. Dizzy spells;
5. Poor quality sleep/lethargic.

I think there’s more, but it escapes me right now.

Anyway, Judy suggested that I get moving – literally. Start walking, join Weight Watchers (I had been toying with the idea but had been procrastinating), start taking Vitamin D, Calcium Citrate and another supplement which I’ll have to get the name of. She said my test results showed I’m slightly anemic as well and she encouraged me to see my Chiropractor for the head and neck pain which I did right after I left her office.

Fast fact --- losing excess body weight reduces your chances of breast cancer by 26%.

So….tomorrow I’ll go grocery shopping and work on a better lifestyle.

There was something Judy said today that really hit me hard……as she sat there with me listening to my every word, she put her hand on my knee and said “You see….since January we have been taking care of your health for you Doris. Now it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself. I know that we women have a hard time doing that because we put everyone else first….but it’s time for you to put yourself first.”

Well, I’ve written enough for tonight. I’ll proofread this tomorrow.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Update

Not much to report. Migraines are kicking my ass. Weather related? Who knows.

Today I have had some much-enjoyed energy and after sleeping in late and watching some quality LMN movies (lol!) I have started some much needed cleaning around the apartment. Nothing crazy, but enough for me to feel some accomplishment today, which I enjoy.

I'm really not in a social mood, nor do I even really know what to write right now. I struggle a lot with my own feelings and thoughts and I guess this is one of those moments.

If you are a co-worker of mine whom I will not see for the next 8 weeks....please know that even though I won't be there to wish you a good summer and give you a goodbye hug, you are all in the my thoughts and I truly miss being at work.

Time for another ice pack to the head. Ya know.....a former co-worker who I now call friend (she will remain nameless at this time) told me that after having her ovaries removed her migraines stopped.....could I be so lucky? A life without migraines....I can't imagine it.

Oh a couple of quick notes ---- I am experiencing some dizzy spells and I have been experiencing brutal hot flashes. Anyone with advice or insight - please send it along.

Thanks,
Doris

Just another day.

Wanted to send an update and just let everyone know I'm doing ok. I'm following Dr. Hammond's instructions and resting and taking it as easy as possible. Thursday morning I'm going to Dr. Marble's office to have 100 cc's of fluid removed from the tissue expander in my left breast. It was originally put in because there was a possibilty I may have needed radiation and radiation shrinks tissue. So....because I don't need radiation, now I can get some fluid removed and maybe I won't feel so self conscious. The size difference between the right and left breast has made me very, very self conscious. I think I just repeated myself....anyway......

I saw my therapist last night and it is always refreshing to have a positive visit with someone who gets paid to tell you if you're virtually normal or not. I think I have mentioned in the past that I always leave his office feeling better and acknowleding to myself that everything is going to be o.k. He did touch on one thing that helps in my reasoning through some recent emotions. He told me that essentially I was beginning to get on track with moving forward as a single mom and holding my own, but that my diagnosis in January essentially has caused some resentment and frustration to return. But guess what? He said things are going to get better for me eventually!! Yahoo!!! lol!!! I mean....I sure hope he's right! (No pressure Dr. S!!).

I guess that's it for now. Oh wait....I got the most incredible delivery today. My co-workers from RHS sent me a totally self-indulgent gift from 1800flowers. Body lotions, foot lotion, shower gels....the works! And guess what? One complete set is Chocolate and Cocoa scented!!!!! YUM!!!! I have developed a bond with people that I can say I have lacked in the past. Friends mean more to me....co-workers have become friends....my family (immediate and extended) are of great value to me...and you have all helped me to keep my chin up and I thank you and love you all for that.

p.s. I can NOT wait to get back to work!!!!

Doris

I guess I should learn to trust my instincts.

My visit with Dr. Hammond today comes down to this:
*I am out of work for 2 weeks because of exhaustion.
*July 8th after 2 weeks of R&R and 2 weeks back to work, I meet with him again to schedule the removal of my ovaries.

There were a couple of medicinal options for my type of cancer with regard to follow up treatments but the most successful being a combination of hormone therapy and removal of the ovaries.

Because my type is 'estrogen receptive', he needs my body to stop producing estrogen and therefore the cancer cells can't produce.

I knew something was wrong. I mean, as far as the exhaustion thing. But I was trying to ignore my body. Recently I have felt like a robot, going through the motions of getting up, going to work, coming home, hanging out and going to bed. It was like a ritual. And if anything got in the way of that ritual I couldn't focus or 'handle' the changes.

So when I first went into the exam room and Tracy (Dr. Hammond's nurse) asked how I was and I reluctantly said "Uhm...ok" she immediately became concerned and from there, Dr. Hammond did as well. I told them I never feel rested, that I am having severe headaches that no medication is relieving and I am depressed.

So I'm on Vicodin for the headache pain. We'll see if it works. Dr. Hammond also told me that I need 5 good solid nights of 12 to 14 hours of sleep per night for my body to recuperate. He added that depression after chemo is very common because the patient feels they are no longer actively treating the cancer.

I'm sorry - I know this blog must be jumping all over the place. I'm tired. My head is throbbing and my eyes are swollen from crying. I dare say I'm more upset right now about being out of work then I am about the next stage of treatment.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Doris