The next struggle.

I am writing tonight with a heavy heart. As I noted in my last entry, I have experienced some startling revelations over the past week and a half. I will NOT divulge details other then to say that I am experiencing "repressed memories" of abuse as a young child.

With that said, I have much more learning and growing to do. My friend "Joey" says that this revelation and the growth that will come from working through this will give me a 'new lease on life' - whatever the hell that means. I will try to use my blog to work through some of my struggles as I feel appropriate.

My ex-husband is remarrying on Saturday. All I will say is I wish them the very best.

Life moves fast and if you don't move with it you get left behind. I think I'm getting pretty tired of sitting on the bench and watching life blur past me.

I am tired...emotional...fighting off a cold...I am feeling very low. I saw Dr. Stenslie today and frankly, out of all that we discussed, the one thing that keeps coming to me is our discussion about "control." Sorry - not our discussion, because that suggests that I actually said something. Tonight was mostly me crying and him doing the talking. As a child control was taken from me. As an adult I have let that happen as well in different instances and different cases. Some how I need to learn to regain control.

At the same time, I will need to learn to let go of the past. "Joey's" quote next to his senior yearbook picture says "The past is the past, the future is what matters." Such wise words from someone who at the time was only 18 and is now 43 and dealing with his own demons.

Jake is with his dad for the next 5 days. I think I need some time to reflect. Please God...let this be last 'test' for me...I am becoming weary from the battles.

good night.