At some sort of peace.

Yesterday I found myself feeling complete.....at peace. Both emotionally and physically. That feeling has spilled over in to today. How long will it last? I don't know. But I'm enjoying it while I have it.

I'll try to explain....

Mind body and soul working together and feeling relaxed...in the moment....satisfied. Why? I don't know. How? I don't know that either.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hammond. We'll discuss the removal of my ovaries. I want to combine this procedure with having the implant placed in my left breast. My hope? Two out patient surgeries combined in one day and then a move forward toward a better life.

I have some serious fears which loom over me. The fear of dying. The fear of dying young....early I guess. Sooner then I deserve to and sooner then my son should have to face. I have recently become aware of several people who, after treatments, chemo, radiation, remission.....they are diagnosed again. After such a tough battle....it's not fair. I fear this is my fate.

Friday night when I was out with Nora, I shared with her what Dr. Marshall said to me 7 months ago when she completed my first ultrasound. I guess it's time to say it out loud...share it with people so they can understand my fears. Dr. Marshall said to me, just prior to my mom being brought into the examining room, "Doris you're not going to die from this. In 10 years, maybe, but not right now." Her words hang over my head....even when I'm at my best...I fear what is next. I wonder what my future holds.

Dr. Marshall can go to hell. I'm all done with her and I'll tell as many people as I can not to go to her. She's hardened by too many years of delivering bad news that somewhere along the line she lost her bedside manner...her caring....her sensitivity. And she made me feel like a statistic and in my heart and mind I don't know how to forgive that.

Let's change the topic shall we? Ok.

I lost 4 pounds last week - my first week on Weight Watchers. This week I lost .4 lbs (yes, that's a decimal in front of the 4!!!) But as my friend Lisa would say "A loss is a loss so be happy!" So I'm happy because 4.4 lbs less of my body weight is a great start.

Thanks for checking in. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home from Dr. Hammond's office.

Doris