A very good day...

I must say that at about 5 this morning I found myself contemplating...much. But the day was a very good day. Jake took a bath, we went to the movies, we did some shopping. My niece joined us. It was a very good day.

Jake is out like a light and I need to head to bed as well.

Under my left arm; the clavicle area of my left side and the port all seem a little....I don't know....achey? I can't really say I'm in "pain" but there is a little discomfort that I am basically just trying to ignore and get past.

Monday is my 'teaching' and then Tuesday will be my first chemo treatment. Thankfully a co-worker who is also undergoing treatments stopped in to my office on Thursday and he was informative, supportive, and helpful. I felt re-assured that I will get through this next process and be able to move on past it.

During our shopping this afternoon I picked up two books at Barnes & Noble. One is "There's no place like hope" and the other is "Any day with hair is a good hair day." I'm tired of the 'self help' section.....what was I thinking all those years I'd head straight to that aisle? There are NO answers in self help books. All you are doing is reading what someone else has been through and how they succeeded and how they have moved on and it just reminds you that you are not 'well' whether it is physically or emotionally and I think in some cases it makes you feel worse about yourself and only postpones the fact that you need to contact a professional and get your head, heart and health straightened out. If the answers to all of our problems were in these books.....we wouldn't have any problems. You see (boy I'm on a roll now) I kept going to Stroudwater Books back in the 90's and buying all these 'warm and fuzzy' self help books....but the answers were not there. The answers were with a medical doctor, a psychologist and friends. I have suffered from varying levels of depression since on or about 1995. I actually feel more confident that I will beat cancer then I will depression. A fascinating realization.

I saw my psychologist the other night. It was a positive, reassuring meeting. I don't feel 'crazy' when I speak with him. I feel I am human, with human emotions and that what I am going through would be hard for just about anyone to handle. Wow....I'm human.

I have told 2 friends of mine how much I wish I had a man to share this journey with. A friend, a lover, a caring person who could give me reassurance in the middle of the night when I wake up and can't fall back to sleep because I start thinking "what if?" But now, because of this experience and because I have been able to face this on my own, I think I value myself more. As a mom, as a woman, as a friend...I think I've finally realized I'm worth something. And some day if I meet someone...they will be very special and they will be worthy. Oh - and I definitely have a new found love, respect and admiration for the people I am proud to call my friends. They have all been there for me and I know they will continue to be there for me. It's funny but my friend Kim told me yesterday that she 'forgets' what I have/am going through, because I'm doing so well. I thought that was the coolest thing anyone could have said! Thanks Kim!

I had a conversation with a female co-worker on Friday that really opened my eyes to something. The gift I have been given. Yes, I was diagnosed with cancer, but the gift I have been given is that it was caught so early and I in essence have been given the gift of continued life. I've been given the chance to improve upon things...to appreciate things...to share my story and hopefully help others. So....am I falling in to the 'self help' writer's category instead of reader???? I don't know. Funny how things come full circle.

Another thought....the 'black cloud' that's been over my head....chemo. I think as I get closer to the first treatment I am learning to accept that it is but another step in this journey. Hair grows back. Sure...I'm not so happy that the last step in beating this is the one that will announce to the world "she's sick!!!!" because my hair is going to fally out. But I'm reassured on a regular basis that "Doris - hair grows back." Ahhhh words from the wise ;-)

Notice tonight's blog contains several references to "reassurance"...I've received a lot of it lately. It is another blessing.

Ok, I need to get some sleep.

Sweet dreams,
Doris