Questioning things...

I've learned to be appreciative over the past few months. I think I have mentioned in a previous entry that I have been a bit selfish in my life. If you were to say "ok, give me an example".....I'm not really sure I could. Maybe I'm selfish internally...in my thoughts. Because I am not sure I show others that side of me.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past 2 years. It started with the ending of my second marriage. Which actually helped me to realize some things about my first marriage. Then it was facing living on my own and sharing my son on a part time basis and trying to figure out how to financially make ends meet. And now that has led to the possibility of me, at the age of almost 41, having to apply for financial assistance. I find this both insulting and degrading.

There are a lot of things you don't learn until after the fact. Like....no one told me, including my lawyer, that when a couple divorce, the man ends up better off financially and the woman often finds it hard to get by.

Then I move into a dump apartment that I was embarassed to have anyone come to. So...I wouldn't allow anyone over. And then thankfully, another apartment - bigger, better, quieter, more like a home - became available and so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, a better place costs more money.

So with every step forward there is at least a step back.

Sometimes....I am overwhelmed in my own thoughts...and that has led me to my next "issue".....my faith. Am I questioning it? I think so. Have I questioned it in the past? Yes. Do I feel guilty for questioning it? Yes. (So I guess I really am Catholic!!!) (Just kidding big guy upstairs!!!)

Anyway, sometimes I find myself wondering "If there really is a God then why _______....?" and I have a hard time finding the answers. In the past I have had this conversation with Beatrice and she always knew what to say. So Bea, feel free to email me on this one.

Here's what all of this comes back to --- am I being punished? Was I so selfish and self-serving in my own thoughts and actions that God is now punishing me by....losing my dad way too young...having 2 failed marriages....sharing my son...losing the best job I ever held because of the sickening ethical violations...suffering migraines...sleep apnea...putting my dog to sleep...Jake's hamster dying...sometimes it feels like too much. I want someone to please help me to understand WHERE God is during all of these events. Is it the faith of others that helped me through the breast cancer diagnosis? To be honest with all of you right now (boy I think I'm in confessional) I have only prayed a handful of times through all of this. But not because I was defying religion...I think more because I wanted to fight this on my own...give myself a little credit for the success of the outcome. Depend on myself and no one else. Is that just me being selfish again?

Boy....things come full circle and yet I still have no answers. And by the way, there are many, many other events which took place in between those which I listed above - like Dan and I sitting on the retaining wall at our house in Rochester, me several months pregnant, and Russell and Beatrice delivering the sad news that Memere had passed away - but the list is just too long. I think I can sum up things best by saying I have suffered a lot of loss.

I heard recently that if you find yourself wishing you could go back to a previous time in your life, it means you have regrets. I have touched on that in a previous entry too -- I definitely have regrets.

So what does this all come down to? Does it all fall back on me? What changes can I make? How can the next 40 years provide less pain and loss and sadness and instead be full of love, happiness, joy and personal fulfillment? Boy, Dr. Stenslie is gonna have a field day with this entry.

I bought a scale on Saturday. Dr. Hammond wants me to keep an eye on my weight. I keep being told that this is NOT the time to try to drop these extra pounds. That I should be eating for healing. Well, I've lost 2 more pounds. I am finding that "eating for healing" is STILL healthier then what I was doing!!!!

And how peculiar is it that I can go from talking about "life" and "God" in one paragraph and then jump to "the scale" in the next breath?

Ok, you're probably tired from reading all of this. As always, I thank you for checking up on me and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Oh, and I know some of you out there may not want to add a comment here, but please do not hesitate to email me: dorislachance@metrocast.net with your thoughts, suggestions, prayers, jokes, funny limericks....whatever :-)

And back to appreciation for a second....in the past I know that I may not have been so sympathetic of those diagnosed with a disease...and ya know what? I've learned now that that is because I could NOT relate to what they were going through. Well...I can relate now. So if you know someone who I may be able to reach out to, please let me know.

Ok - one more thing - I had a phone conversation with my sister Laura tonight for an hour and 20 minutes. Never in my life have I spent that much time on the phone with a sibling - with a friend? absolutely! but not a sibling. Well, the thing is...at some point she became my friend and I'm pretty damned thankful for that.
Always,
Doris