Regrets...

...So..ya' know that song? I think it's Sinatra "...regrets...I've had a few......." lol. Anyway....I just woke up from a nap at 7pm and my mind goes from blank to racing in a matter of moments. So I'm thinking about what to write tonight. And I was thinking about work today which went well and it lead me to think about the Pink Ribbons.

One of my co-workers came in to work and pointed at the Pink Ribbon pins she was wearing.....one on each point of the collar of her shirt and another on her ID badge lanyard. And she asks me something about whether she was doing well at 'representing' or 'supporting' the cause and I thought that was SO cool. From there, I started thinking about the Pink Ribbons. I used to have one on my truck. For me, it was in support of, and then in memory of a very special person in my life who lost her battle. Pat Orcutt and I met when I worked at the Newmarket Town Hall. Her battle seemed surreal to me, because during the time I knew her, she was healthy and happy and her battle was seemingly behind her. Long after I left the Town, Pat was diagnosed again and during that time I got my updates on her circumstances through a mutual friend. Because Pat and I had gone our separate ways, she was in my thoughts and prayers, but I did not reach out to her personally. Pat has been gone for two years now. I keep thinking she is going to send me a sign of some sort. Nothing yet....that I know of.

So yes, big time regrets there. Regrets that I did not take five minutes to send her a card or give her a call. But to me...I thought "Pat has her close friends and family with her and I don't want to be a burden." Plus, I thought "If I reach out now....she's going to think that I'm reaching out because I don't think she's going to survive." Well...she didn't. I lost her. I had thought "Oh she's won the battle twice before, she'll win it again, she's a fighter."

This isn't about how tough you are. I mean, sure, a strong mind can probably help you to endure, but the "C" word has a mind of it's own and sometimes it is the stronger one.

I've had bouts of "why me?" and "how much more am I going to be faced with in my life?" and I get mad. And sometimes I just cry. And other times I am willing to agree with the belief that whatever I am dealt will make me stronger. Stronger for what? No clue.

My regrets run deeper as well....there seems to be a pattern in my life of friends whom I lose contact with and then they are gone. I am reading about them in the obituaries of the Foster's Daily Democrat. I am attending a funeral. I am grieving the loss and at the same time regretting that there was a disconnect in the relationship for whatever reason.

All the money in the world can not buy you happiness. Friends bring happiness at no cost - unless you lose them - and then there is no price you can put on that loss.

Don't put a Pink Ribbon on your car, or on your lapel, or anywhere unless it's for true support. Don't do it to be "politically correct." Do it to remind people that there are people with the disease...there are people who lost the battle.....

I see the Pink Ribbon now and it relates to ME. It used to be something that "other people" had. But now it's me....now I'm a statistic. One in Nine.

Women don't want to get mammograms because they hurt or they're embarassing or they just don't have the time. Well.....get over the pain, get over the embarassment and make the time. It could save your life.

Tomorrow I have a hair appointment - I want it short so that during recovery I don't have to deal with it. Then I'm getting my treadmill and stationary bike delivered to my apartment so I can keep my body moving to avoid blod clotting during recovery. After that, I have to pick up all of my prescriptions which I will need when I return home after surgery --- pain meds, etc. Along with that, I was given a "shopping list" from the surgeon of things I would need as well.....gauze pads....ice packs.....Vitamin C.....So it will be a busy day.

Today when I said goodbye to my son, he tried not cry. It broke my heart. He knows he will be with his daddy for an extended period of time while I recuperate. I told him I was going to be ok and that I will see him soon. He is the reason I will fight. I won't let my son grow up without his mommy.

Thanks for reading.
Doris