and about this weekend...

I had posted a new blog Friday night. And about 1:45 a.m. Tuesday morning I woke up and regretted it, so I signed on and deleted it. It was too honest and it was too personal and so I deleted it.

Sometimes my mind and my heart conflict. Sometimes I have emotions so strong that I feel like I'm going to burst.

I feel a bit depressed and overwhelmed. Yes, I am conflicted. I want this week over with. I want to move on. Right now I feel like this has defined me. But.....that's how I feel right now. My moods and my feelings change all the time. A couple of friends have mentioned Support Groups.....I can't do that yet. I can not open up to complete strangers at this point. Probably eventually, but not right now.

I think my biggest fear - no, I KNOW my biggest fear is the chemo....the treatments themselves?..the side effects?...my fear of losing my hair is at the forefront. Can you believe it? I have breast cancer and I'm hung up about my physical appearance. Ya' know why? Because I can SEE my hair.....I can not SEE the cancer...so I'm going to make an odd request of my doctors...I want a copy of either an ultrasound or mammogram that shows the lumps. The lumps that are now gone, but are what brought me to where I am at this moment...sitting here at 6:10pm on a Monday night in my jammies feeling sad and lonely.

Having that photo - a reminder - will help me draw strength if I am ever stared at when I eventually go out in public in a headscarf or baseball hat.

But there is one other photo I also treasure and draw strength from and that is a picture of my son. I told my friend Tommie how hard it was going to be for me to become bald and to have my son experience that and ya know what she said? It could not have been more poignant --- she said "Doris, he's used to seeing his dad and his uncle bald...I think he'll be just fine!" LOVE HER!!!!

I saw a button the other day - a girl is wearing it in the 3Day Breast Cancer walk commercial. It simply says "Cancer Sucks." Love it!!!!

Ok, that's it for this entry. I think I rambled a bit. Thanks again for reading :-)
Doris