I was so hoping to send a message tonight that would announce that I am on the way to a full recovery. That is not the case. I sit here not really sure what to say. I'll give you the bare bones run down, as right now all the medical jargon is too much to remember.
Apparently during my mastectomy the surgeon tested a lymph node which tested negative. However, literally the OTHER half of that lymph node went to pathology for further testing and tested positive for DCIS or "Ductal Carcinoma In Situ". (Here's a link for info: http://www.dcis.info/dcis.html)
I need to go in for further surgery. I will have the stage 1 and stage 2 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm. At the same time, the surgeon will install a 'port' (called a VAD which stands for Vascular Access Device) for my future chemo treatments which I will require - probably between 6 and 8 weeks of chemo.
There is a 16% chance of there being any further disease.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I wish I could call each person individually to deliver this news and I am sorry if I hurt, offend, or anger anyone by having them find out this way. But I guess I feel that this is my blog and it is a safe place for you to sit and read and cry or pray or do whatever you wish in response.
I myself am crying a lot and beginning to ask "why me?" And again believing that I became too cocky because my recovery has been going so well and thought that maybe I was going to get out of this 'easy' and for that, I am truly sorry.
My surgeon, Dr. Palladino STILL insists that in 6 months this will all be behind me. I am holding her to those words, as I am now holding on to that timeline with great hope and expectations for a full recovery, peppered with some pain, fear, and a lot of love and support along the way.
I'm not sure if in the past I ever said these words, or formally made this request, so I am making it now -- please say a prayer for me. But don't just stop at my name. Say a prayer for every man, woman, and child who has been effected directly or indirectly by this disease. And please...please wear pink.
Did I ever mention the hat? Yeah, the baseball cap that I received from the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital. They gave me a 'goodie bag' of gifts and information. It included a baseball cap. "Hats of Hope." I took it out of the bag and looked at my friend Tommie (my sister's mother in law who has attended all of my appointments with me) and I was pissed off. Not mad. Pissed off. I showed it to her and said "Oh great, something to wear when I lose all my hair." Maybe I jinxed myself on that day, because at that time I had no idea (nor did the doctors) if I would even require chemotherapy. I can't even write about that topic anymore tonight.
I think I'm entitled to be mad for a little while. Don't worry - I will survive - I have to - it is not an option. But I think I can just be mad about this new information. I had accepted that I had breast cancer, I am not doing so well with the new information.
Thank you all for listening and again, I'm sorry that this is the way the majority of you are going to receive the news.
Doris
3 comments:
Hang in there Doris! - Life can be so unfair. My mom has Ductal carcinoma as well. I have a google search going on it, and your blog came up. We are not sure yet if hers is in situ or invasive. You must be so frustrated right now. We will be praying for you. I will add you to our prayer role at church, too. God always has a plan - I promise.
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Doris, here's a couple roses for you on Valentine's Day. They’re pink roses, of course. You’re never out of my mind and heart. I’m sorry you had some bad news. But please don’t apologize--you could never let us down. Again, you put yourself out there. I’m in awe that you can do that. How strong you are to write this blog. As you once asked, is it for yourself or for us. My guess is, probably both. I hope you feel our love as readers--let’s get that vibe moving back and forth, girl! We’re there with you, all the steps along your recovery. I’m with you and for you whenever you want. Now just get well! Here’s another hug & pink one. @->->-- Nora
Two charismatic women separated only by time: Doris, I reread your post and thought of your words again: But I guess I feel that this is my blog and it is a safe place for you to sit and read and cry or pray or do whatever you wish in response. Then I read that HBO is doing a miniseries on John Adams and saw this quote from his wife: There are perticuliar times when I feel such an uneasiness, such a restlessness, as neither company, Books, family Cares or any other thing will remove, my Pen is my only pleasure, and writing to you the composure of my mind (Abigail Adams, Sep 23, 1776). Wow...Powerful. All my love to you, Doris. Nora
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