It's been a long day.

I've been by myself all day today. I have read some of the Breast Cancer information that the surgeons have given to me and read up a bit on chemo. I have been crying off and on. I feel fine one moment, lonely and scared the next. Some people call and I answer the phone. Others call and I let it go to voicemail. I can honestly tell you that I have no rhyme or reason to whom I talk to or don't talk to. But I do eagerly check the voicemails, to hear the great messages from my friends and family.

A friend of mine made me aware of another local woman's battle and gave me the link to her blog. I'm including it for all of you if you are interested. http://kerrigan6.blogspot.com/
I sent Kathy Kerrigan an email today and introduced myself and was stunned when in her response she stated that she found out about me yesterday. Wow - people talk - there is so much power and strength that can come from that!!

I'm going to lay it right on the line, and say what I'm thinking, and then go from there. Fair enough? Good.

I'm feeling confident that I will have the second surgery, chemo treatments (if that is in fact the route they decide to go - I'm still hoping they don't) and that portion of this experience will be over. But my gut says different. I'm not a stupid woman. I know people 'beat' it, but then later in life - 1 year, 10 years - down the road, they are diagnosed with cancer in yet another part of their body and that time they're not so lucky.

I am in essence experiencing what I have read about which is a feeling that my body has deceived me. That my body is turning on me. I am mad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am so scared of dying. Not just from this disease - I have ALWAYS had a fear of dying. But I fear that if I beat it, it will return. Am I experiencing a common fear? Are these common emotions and responses? I do not know.

Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty confident that most people would agree that I am NOT a "the sky is falling" personality. But I do know that I am a statistic. I've been a statistic before. I mean, from divorces, to being overweight, to being an SUV owner, I mean, hell - I'm a statistic because I'm a blond (yeah, that's what the Loreal box says anyway) but being a statistic for cancer I'm not so pleased with. I fear the unknown. I fear it in a big, ugly way. Thanks to Kathy Kerrigan, I'm not so much fearing the "port" device - her experience so far has been positive. And it truly only took that one positive response and bit of feedback from her to relieve some of my anxiety. Knowledge is power. I think I'm ready to start absorbing more knowledge about this hand that has been dealt to me.

If someone (yes, Dr. Stenslie, probably you) were to ask "What do you hope to achieve, or learn, or come out of this experience with?" My answer comes down to these points:

1. To beat it;
2. To be a survivor;
3. To be around for a long, long time to raise my son;
4. To be a stronger, healthier person; mentally and physically;
5. To move on from this --- not let it envelope me and take over;
6. To be a positive resource for any other person on this earth who needs to reach out to someone and get advice, cry to, or seek support from.

See? The realistic me wants to be a proud survivor. The scared little girl in me fears the worst. But I'm not a little girl anymore. I have loved and I have lost and I have suffered and I have grieved; I have achieved and I have gained (both intelligence and weight lol). In the past, when faced with grieving a loss, or celebrating a victory, I had a man by my side to give me emotional support. This time....I do not. I am facing this head on without a man by my side. Maybe I need this test of emotional strength - to finally realize that I am in fact complete without a man. Because all of my life, I thought I was in fact incomplete.

Maybe, just maybe, when this battle is behind me, I will in fact be a force to be reckoned with.

Thanks for reading. This blog entry has definitely been the most emotionally charged and helpful to me.

7 laps to go on the Daytona 500 and my niece's two favorite drivers are in the top 10 right now.

My thanks to all of you,
Doris