Friday, February 29, 2008
GREAT NEWS!!!
Dr. Palladino's office just called --- the lymph nodes she removed Wednesday came back negative!!!!!! Yippeeeeee!!!!!! Yes, I still need chemo, but this is great news!!!!
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Dorothy was right...
...there's no place like home.
The lymph nodes have been removed from under the left arm and the port (VAD) was placed. Dr. Palladino kept me overnight for pain observation. I just got home an hour ago. Haven't used any pain meds this time, so I'm pretty coherent. The whole procedure this time was a piece of cake in comparison to the previous procedure. I have another drain, but the drainage isn't bad and hopefully it can be removed Monday.
I'm going to take a nap. Thanks for all the phone calls and emails!!
Doris
The lymph nodes have been removed from under the left arm and the port (VAD) was placed. Dr. Palladino kept me overnight for pain observation. I just got home an hour ago. Haven't used any pain meds this time, so I'm pretty coherent. The whole procedure this time was a piece of cake in comparison to the previous procedure. I have another drain, but the drainage isn't bad and hopefully it can be removed Monday.
I'm going to take a nap. Thanks for all the phone calls and emails!!
Doris
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Ya' know what? I am NOT a victim!!!
That's my problem ---- I keep looking at myself as a damned victim. And when I see these women - they're wearing baseball caps and scarves and bandanas because they've lost their hair, and I look at THEM as victims. WE ARE NOT VICTIMS! We are fighters! We will win the battle AND the war!
There, I feel a little bit better ;-)
Ok --- keep the prayers and good vibes coming!!
Doris
There, I feel a little bit better ;-)
Ok --- keep the prayers and good vibes coming!!
Doris
Getting there...
...as in...getting closer to the last surgery. I get so anxious. Tommie said "You're a nervous person" lol! I can't help it. I'm facing new, scary stuff. I get shakey, sweaty palms, and irritable (yeah, bitchy).
Anyway, today I met Tracy - she is Dr. Hammond's nurse. She was very friendly and helpful. She showed me the 'infusion' area where I will go to have my treatments. I took some comfort in knowing I can bring my IPod and there are laptops available - music and internet access - it's all good ;-)
The hallway which leads to the infusion area is adorned with beautiful paintings, two of which were sunflower paintings. I took those beautiful flowers as another positive sign, as many of you know, I love sunflowers so much I have one tattooed on me. lol And if you didn't know that.....well....you do now! Anyway, when we were leaving from the appointment, we were told that the paintings were done by patients. Made them even more beautiful to be honest with you.
Dr. Hammond was as warm and kind as ever. I feel very safe with him and confident in his knowledge and experience.
So....let's see.....my "teaching" with Tracy will be March 14th. Then my first chemo treatment is scheduled for March 18th. Dr. Hammond gave me a prescription for a topical cream which I will need to apply to the skin over the port one hour before I go in for my treatments. It will numb the area so I'm not subjected to any unnecessary pain during treatments.
Treatments will be every 3 weeks....4 treatments. Yes, you're doing the math correctly, that is 3 months. Sometime after chemo treatments have started, I will be discussing hormone therapy with Dr. Hammond. He says the cancer cells were/are estrogen receptive and therefore will require hormone therapy. I asked him what this means for me and it was a one word reply that is still bouncing around in my head...."Menopause." After I regained composure, I said "That's crazy...I'm only 40 years old!" at which point he replied "It's a small price to pay to save your life." And of course, that shut me up.
So now it's nearly 3pm and this like so many other days has been a bit of a blur. I'm tired and emotional and....yeah...tired. Plus, I'm mad, and sad and scared. See, when we got to the Oncology offices, we had to sit in the waiting room where I saw women in various stages of hair loss. I kept my cool until we went into an exam room and then I lost it. "I see all of the those women with no hair and I know that I'm going to be one of them very soon!"
Breathe.....breathe.....breathe....I'll return later.
Doris
Anyway, today I met Tracy - she is Dr. Hammond's nurse. She was very friendly and helpful. She showed me the 'infusion' area where I will go to have my treatments. I took some comfort in knowing I can bring my IPod and there are laptops available - music and internet access - it's all good ;-)
The hallway which leads to the infusion area is adorned with beautiful paintings, two of which were sunflower paintings. I took those beautiful flowers as another positive sign, as many of you know, I love sunflowers so much I have one tattooed on me. lol And if you didn't know that.....well....you do now! Anyway, when we were leaving from the appointment, we were told that the paintings were done by patients. Made them even more beautiful to be honest with you.
Dr. Hammond was as warm and kind as ever. I feel very safe with him and confident in his knowledge and experience.
So....let's see.....my "teaching" with Tracy will be March 14th. Then my first chemo treatment is scheduled for March 18th. Dr. Hammond gave me a prescription for a topical cream which I will need to apply to the skin over the port one hour before I go in for my treatments. It will numb the area so I'm not subjected to any unnecessary pain during treatments.
Treatments will be every 3 weeks....4 treatments. Yes, you're doing the math correctly, that is 3 months. Sometime after chemo treatments have started, I will be discussing hormone therapy with Dr. Hammond. He says the cancer cells were/are estrogen receptive and therefore will require hormone therapy. I asked him what this means for me and it was a one word reply that is still bouncing around in my head...."Menopause." After I regained composure, I said "That's crazy...I'm only 40 years old!" at which point he replied "It's a small price to pay to save your life." And of course, that shut me up.
So now it's nearly 3pm and this like so many other days has been a bit of a blur. I'm tired and emotional and....yeah...tired. Plus, I'm mad, and sad and scared. See, when we got to the Oncology offices, we had to sit in the waiting room where I saw women in various stages of hair loss. I kept my cool until we went into an exam room and then I lost it. "I see all of the those women with no hair and I know that I'm going to be one of them very soon!"
Breathe.....breathe.....breathe....I'll return later.
Doris
Monday, February 25, 2008
and about this weekend...
I had posted a new blog Friday night. And about 1:45 a.m. Tuesday morning I woke up and regretted it, so I signed on and deleted it. It was too honest and it was too personal and so I deleted it.
Sometimes my mind and my heart conflict. Sometimes I have emotions so strong that I feel like I'm going to burst.
I feel a bit depressed and overwhelmed. Yes, I am conflicted. I want this week over with. I want to move on. Right now I feel like this has defined me. But.....that's how I feel right now. My moods and my feelings change all the time. A couple of friends have mentioned Support Groups.....I can't do that yet. I can not open up to complete strangers at this point. Probably eventually, but not right now.
I think my biggest fear - no, I KNOW my biggest fear is the chemo....the treatments themselves?..the side effects?...my fear of losing my hair is at the forefront. Can you believe it? I have breast cancer and I'm hung up about my physical appearance. Ya' know why? Because I can SEE my hair.....I can not SEE the cancer...so I'm going to make an odd request of my doctors...I want a copy of either an ultrasound or mammogram that shows the lumps. The lumps that are now gone, but are what brought me to where I am at this moment...sitting here at 6:10pm on a Monday night in my jammies feeling sad and lonely.
Having that photo - a reminder - will help me draw strength if I am ever stared at when I eventually go out in public in a headscarf or baseball hat.
But there is one other photo I also treasure and draw strength from and that is a picture of my son. I told my friend Tommie how hard it was going to be for me to become bald and to have my son experience that and ya know what she said? It could not have been more poignant --- she said "Doris, he's used to seeing his dad and his uncle bald...I think he'll be just fine!" LOVE HER!!!!
I saw a button the other day - a girl is wearing it in the 3Day Breast Cancer walk commercial. It simply says "Cancer Sucks." Love it!!!!
Ok, that's it for this entry. I think I rambled a bit. Thanks again for reading :-)
Doris
Sometimes my mind and my heart conflict. Sometimes I have emotions so strong that I feel like I'm going to burst.
I feel a bit depressed and overwhelmed. Yes, I am conflicted. I want this week over with. I want to move on. Right now I feel like this has defined me. But.....that's how I feel right now. My moods and my feelings change all the time. A couple of friends have mentioned Support Groups.....I can't do that yet. I can not open up to complete strangers at this point. Probably eventually, but not right now.
I think my biggest fear - no, I KNOW my biggest fear is the chemo....the treatments themselves?..the side effects?...my fear of losing my hair is at the forefront. Can you believe it? I have breast cancer and I'm hung up about my physical appearance. Ya' know why? Because I can SEE my hair.....I can not SEE the cancer...so I'm going to make an odd request of my doctors...I want a copy of either an ultrasound or mammogram that shows the lumps. The lumps that are now gone, but are what brought me to where I am at this moment...sitting here at 6:10pm on a Monday night in my jammies feeling sad and lonely.
Having that photo - a reminder - will help me draw strength if I am ever stared at when I eventually go out in public in a headscarf or baseball hat.
But there is one other photo I also treasure and draw strength from and that is a picture of my son. I told my friend Tommie how hard it was going to be for me to become bald and to have my son experience that and ya know what she said? It could not have been more poignant --- she said "Doris, he's used to seeing his dad and his uncle bald...I think he'll be just fine!" LOVE HER!!!!
I saw a button the other day - a girl is wearing it in the 3Day Breast Cancer walk commercial. It simply says "Cancer Sucks." Love it!!!!
Ok, that's it for this entry. I think I rambled a bit. Thanks again for reading :-)
Doris
A bit anxious...
...that would be me. Tomorrow I meet with Oncologist Dr. Hammond for my chemo info/training. Then Wednesday I'll be in and out of surgery.
My son is with his cousin today and then is back with his dad for an extended visit while I recuperate. I am exhausted. He kept me busy and though our weekend consisted of a lot of coloring and movie watching, he seemed to be simply happy being with me and that is awesome!
So, as far as the incisions go, it only took two days of cleaning and dressing them to adjust to the process and accept that this is only one stage in my recuperation and that this is a temporary state of my body. I consider myself a work in progress. And when all is said and done, I will be a survivor and I hope to reach out to others who receive this terrifying diagnosis and are seeking someone to offer them words of support and encouragement.
So, because I can (lol), I am going back to bed for awhile. Please keep me in your prayers --- it is the power of prayer and the strength of my family and friends which is getting me through this. I thank all of you for your kind words, the great gifts, and the hilarious get well cards!!!
My very best to you,
Doris
My son is with his cousin today and then is back with his dad for an extended visit while I recuperate. I am exhausted. He kept me busy and though our weekend consisted of a lot of coloring and movie watching, he seemed to be simply happy being with me and that is awesome!
So, as far as the incisions go, it only took two days of cleaning and dressing them to adjust to the process and accept that this is only one stage in my recuperation and that this is a temporary state of my body. I consider myself a work in progress. And when all is said and done, I will be a survivor and I hope to reach out to others who receive this terrifying diagnosis and are seeking someone to offer them words of support and encouragement.
So, because I can (lol), I am going back to bed for awhile. Please keep me in your prayers --- it is the power of prayer and the strength of my family and friends which is getting me through this. I thank all of you for your kind words, the great gifts, and the hilarious get well cards!!!
My very best to you,
Doris
Thursday, February 21, 2008
I'll take any good news I can get!
Exeter Hospital called this afternoon to go over a million (ok, 250,000) questions for the anethesia team. The woman (as with everyone I have dealt with there) was just wonderful. But guess what? She gave me great news ---- my next procedure? the one next Wednesday? well.....It's DAY SURGERY!!!!!!!!! Yahooooooooooooooooo!!!! I am SO excited!! Relieved!! Happy!! and did I mention relieved????!!!
So I go in first thing, have the lymph nodes removed under the arm, have the port placed on the right side, spend some time in recovery and come home!! YAY!!!
Ok, just had to share (insert huge sigh of relief here!!).
Doris
So I go in first thing, have the lymph nodes removed under the arm, have the port placed on the right side, spend some time in recovery and come home!! YAY!!!
Ok, just had to share (insert huge sigh of relief here!!).
Doris
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
Update
I got the call this morning - the second surgery - the LAST surgery - is scheduled for next Wednesday. I have to be at the hospital by 6:30 a.m.
I finally was able to enjoy a hot shower. But the enjoyment of it was short-lived when I had to re-dress the suture sites. I became very pale and had to separate myself from the fact that the person in the mirror with the hideous incision lines was me. Don't get me wrong - I'm not playing "poor lil' ol' me." It's just that I had avoided looking at them until yesterday and it was like looking at a stranger.
So Tuesday I meet with the Oncology staff and then with Dr. Hammond and they will 'teach' me about the chemotherapy. Wednesday - surgery.
I get my little man back shortly and he will keep my mind occupied for the next few days.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris
I finally was able to enjoy a hot shower. But the enjoyment of it was short-lived when I had to re-dress the suture sites. I became very pale and had to separate myself from the fact that the person in the mirror with the hideous incision lines was me. Don't get me wrong - I'm not playing "poor lil' ol' me." It's just that I had avoided looking at them until yesterday and it was like looking at a stranger.
So Tuesday I meet with the Oncology staff and then with Dr. Hammond and they will 'teach' me about the chemotherapy. Wednesday - surgery.
I get my little man back shortly and he will keep my mind occupied for the next few days.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
I feel like Winnie the Pooh...
...my mom and I went out for a late lunch/early dinner and I ate, and ate, and ate. I'm in full-tummy heaven and ready for a nice long nap. lol
Today went well. Let me start with my "Dawn comes over marblehead" realization. You see, I've been thinking for a couple days now that I wish I had a crystal ball to show me that this is not going to kill me and that I wish I knew a cancer survivor who I could focus on as a 'positive' whenever I get down. Well, as Homer Simpson would say....."D'OH!!!!" my very own mother is a cancer survivor!!!! She's been cancer free for 12 years!!! That realization has given me inner peace. When she was sitting on my couch this afternoon and I realized that, I just started crying - happy tears - because I know what hell my mom went through and she is still here to love and support me (and she's good at spoiling me too!).
My appointment with Dr. Marble and her assistant Sue LaFlamme went GREAT. I got the second drain removed, the sutures removed from the right side and the steri-strips removed from the left!!!! Yahooooooooooo!!!!!
Dr. Palladino kept her word and was able to meet with me after my visit with Dr. Marble. She checked me out and told me she discussed me in her Tumor Group and that they all agreed that going in and taking out these couple of lymph nodes under my arm is definitely the best course of action, followed by chemo. So now I will be hearing from Dr. Hammond, the Oncologist, as I will need to meet with him to discuss the chemo treatments. I may be able to get in for the surgery as soon as next Wednesday. In the meantime I have my orders as far as taking care of the remaining sutures and I need to go back to 'compression' which means wearing a super-stretchy corset like thing that basically looks like a classic 70's tube top. ewwwwww lol!!!
I feel good and I feel positive. I am relieved to have the drain out and I'm SO excited that tomorrow I get to take a shower!!!! I still can't drive, due to the remaining stitches, but that's ok. My mom, my family and my friends are taking such good care of me and the positive comments and emails and cards are so warm and comforting.
Thank you all!!!
Doris
Today went well. Let me start with my "Dawn comes over marblehead" realization. You see, I've been thinking for a couple days now that I wish I had a crystal ball to show me that this is not going to kill me and that I wish I knew a cancer survivor who I could focus on as a 'positive' whenever I get down. Well, as Homer Simpson would say....."D'OH!!!!" my very own mother is a cancer survivor!!!! She's been cancer free for 12 years!!! That realization has given me inner peace. When she was sitting on my couch this afternoon and I realized that, I just started crying - happy tears - because I know what hell my mom went through and she is still here to love and support me (and she's good at spoiling me too!).
My appointment with Dr. Marble and her assistant Sue LaFlamme went GREAT. I got the second drain removed, the sutures removed from the right side and the steri-strips removed from the left!!!! Yahooooooooooo!!!!!
Dr. Palladino kept her word and was able to meet with me after my visit with Dr. Marble. She checked me out and told me she discussed me in her Tumor Group and that they all agreed that going in and taking out these couple of lymph nodes under my arm is definitely the best course of action, followed by chemo. So now I will be hearing from Dr. Hammond, the Oncologist, as I will need to meet with him to discuss the chemo treatments. I may be able to get in for the surgery as soon as next Wednesday. In the meantime I have my orders as far as taking care of the remaining sutures and I need to go back to 'compression' which means wearing a super-stretchy corset like thing that basically looks like a classic 70's tube top. ewwwwww lol!!!
I feel good and I feel positive. I am relieved to have the drain out and I'm SO excited that tomorrow I get to take a shower!!!! I still can't drive, due to the remaining stitches, but that's ok. My mom, my family and my friends are taking such good care of me and the positive comments and emails and cards are so warm and comforting.
Thank you all!!!
Doris
Monday, February 18, 2008
President's Day.
So today has been a long day. I slept in, and then my mom stopped in to do a few things for me (and brought me breakfast!!) and the visiting Nurse came by.
I kept getting anxious: My knees shaking and crying. My nurse gave me a hug. She was very kind.
I think the reason I've gotten a little down about things is because everything slowed right down. See, when the indentation and the lump were detected, things moved FAST. Real fast. No time to think. No time to let my mind wander. Now, I sit here today because it is President's Day and the doctor's office is closed, I had a little too much time to think.
So I am eager to get back to Dr. Marble's office tomorrow and get these stitches out. They itch like crazy. And I'm hoping they'll take out the drain, although I'm still averaging 40 - 50 cc's of fluid every 24 hours, and they wanted it down to 20 cc's before they would remove it.
Anyway, as long as things are moving along, I'm ok. But this lag-time is messing with my head. So I need to focus my energies. I've got some books to read, some movies to watch and some word searches to complete!
I guess my point is this --- I'm not going to be "Lil' Miss Suzie Sunshine" every time I write and every time you read my blog. So when I get down, don't let it get you down. Because today I finally realized that I have cancer. Cancer does NOT have me. I have a lot more living to do.
I'll post an update tomorrow evening as to how things go. Oh - one other thing that was making me upset yesterday - I still can not shower, so in that respect I was feeling that cancer has taken away some of my dignity. But to heck with that negative thinking. A few missed showers isn't going to take away my dignity. Not by a long shot.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris
I kept getting anxious: My knees shaking and crying. My nurse gave me a hug. She was very kind.
I think the reason I've gotten a little down about things is because everything slowed right down. See, when the indentation and the lump were detected, things moved FAST. Real fast. No time to think. No time to let my mind wander. Now, I sit here today because it is President's Day and the doctor's office is closed, I had a little too much time to think.
So I am eager to get back to Dr. Marble's office tomorrow and get these stitches out. They itch like crazy. And I'm hoping they'll take out the drain, although I'm still averaging 40 - 50 cc's of fluid every 24 hours, and they wanted it down to 20 cc's before they would remove it.
Anyway, as long as things are moving along, I'm ok. But this lag-time is messing with my head. So I need to focus my energies. I've got some books to read, some movies to watch and some word searches to complete!
I guess my point is this --- I'm not going to be "Lil' Miss Suzie Sunshine" every time I write and every time you read my blog. So when I get down, don't let it get you down. Because today I finally realized that I have cancer. Cancer does NOT have me. I have a lot more living to do.
I'll post an update tomorrow evening as to how things go. Oh - one other thing that was making me upset yesterday - I still can not shower, so in that respect I was feeling that cancer has taken away some of my dignity. But to heck with that negative thinking. A few missed showers isn't going to take away my dignity. Not by a long shot.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris
Sunday, February 17, 2008
It's been a long day.
I've been by myself all day today. I have read some of the Breast Cancer information that the surgeons have given to me and read up a bit on chemo. I have been crying off and on. I feel fine one moment, lonely and scared the next. Some people call and I answer the phone. Others call and I let it go to voicemail. I can honestly tell you that I have no rhyme or reason to whom I talk to or don't talk to. But I do eagerly check the voicemails, to hear the great messages from my friends and family.
A friend of mine made me aware of another local woman's battle and gave me the link to her blog. I'm including it for all of you if you are interested. http://kerrigan6.blogspot.com/
I sent Kathy Kerrigan an email today and introduced myself and was stunned when in her response she stated that she found out about me yesterday. Wow - people talk - there is so much power and strength that can come from that!!
I'm going to lay it right on the line, and say what I'm thinking, and then go from there. Fair enough? Good.
I'm feeling confident that I will have the second surgery, chemo treatments (if that is in fact the route they decide to go - I'm still hoping they don't) and that portion of this experience will be over. But my gut says different. I'm not a stupid woman. I know people 'beat' it, but then later in life - 1 year, 10 years - down the road, they are diagnosed with cancer in yet another part of their body and that time they're not so lucky.
I am in essence experiencing what I have read about which is a feeling that my body has deceived me. That my body is turning on me. I am mad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am so scared of dying. Not just from this disease - I have ALWAYS had a fear of dying. But I fear that if I beat it, it will return. Am I experiencing a common fear? Are these common emotions and responses? I do not know.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty confident that most people would agree that I am NOT a "the sky is falling" personality. But I do know that I am a statistic. I've been a statistic before. I mean, from divorces, to being overweight, to being an SUV owner, I mean, hell - I'm a statistic because I'm a blond (yeah, that's what the Loreal box says anyway) but being a statistic for cancer I'm not so pleased with. I fear the unknown. I fear it in a big, ugly way. Thanks to Kathy Kerrigan, I'm not so much fearing the "port" device - her experience so far has been positive. And it truly only took that one positive response and bit of feedback from her to relieve some of my anxiety. Knowledge is power. I think I'm ready to start absorbing more knowledge about this hand that has been dealt to me.
If someone (yes, Dr. Stenslie, probably you) were to ask "What do you hope to achieve, or learn, or come out of this experience with?" My answer comes down to these points:
1. To beat it;
2. To be a survivor;
3. To be around for a long, long time to raise my son;
4. To be a stronger, healthier person; mentally and physically;
5. To move on from this --- not let it envelope me and take over;
6. To be a positive resource for any other person on this earth who needs to reach out to someone and get advice, cry to, or seek support from.
See? The realistic me wants to be a proud survivor. The scared little girl in me fears the worst. But I'm not a little girl anymore. I have loved and I have lost and I have suffered and I have grieved; I have achieved and I have gained (both intelligence and weight lol). In the past, when faced with grieving a loss, or celebrating a victory, I had a man by my side to give me emotional support. This time....I do not. I am facing this head on without a man by my side. Maybe I need this test of emotional strength - to finally realize that I am in fact complete without a man. Because all of my life, I thought I was in fact incomplete.
Maybe, just maybe, when this battle is behind me, I will in fact be a force to be reckoned with.
Thanks for reading. This blog entry has definitely been the most emotionally charged and helpful to me.
7 laps to go on the Daytona 500 and my niece's two favorite drivers are in the top 10 right now.
My thanks to all of you,
Doris
A friend of mine made me aware of another local woman's battle and gave me the link to her blog. I'm including it for all of you if you are interested. http://kerrigan6.blogspot.com/
I sent Kathy Kerrigan an email today and introduced myself and was stunned when in her response she stated that she found out about me yesterday. Wow - people talk - there is so much power and strength that can come from that!!
I'm going to lay it right on the line, and say what I'm thinking, and then go from there. Fair enough? Good.
I'm feeling confident that I will have the second surgery, chemo treatments (if that is in fact the route they decide to go - I'm still hoping they don't) and that portion of this experience will be over. But my gut says different. I'm not a stupid woman. I know people 'beat' it, but then later in life - 1 year, 10 years - down the road, they are diagnosed with cancer in yet another part of their body and that time they're not so lucky.
I am in essence experiencing what I have read about which is a feeling that my body has deceived me. That my body is turning on me. I am mad. I am angry. I am hurt. I am so scared of dying. Not just from this disease - I have ALWAYS had a fear of dying. But I fear that if I beat it, it will return. Am I experiencing a common fear? Are these common emotions and responses? I do not know.
Now, don't get me wrong. I'm pretty confident that most people would agree that I am NOT a "the sky is falling" personality. But I do know that I am a statistic. I've been a statistic before. I mean, from divorces, to being overweight, to being an SUV owner, I mean, hell - I'm a statistic because I'm a blond (yeah, that's what the Loreal box says anyway) but being a statistic for cancer I'm not so pleased with. I fear the unknown. I fear it in a big, ugly way. Thanks to Kathy Kerrigan, I'm not so much fearing the "port" device - her experience so far has been positive. And it truly only took that one positive response and bit of feedback from her to relieve some of my anxiety. Knowledge is power. I think I'm ready to start absorbing more knowledge about this hand that has been dealt to me.
If someone (yes, Dr. Stenslie, probably you) were to ask "What do you hope to achieve, or learn, or come out of this experience with?" My answer comes down to these points:
1. To beat it;
2. To be a survivor;
3. To be around for a long, long time to raise my son;
4. To be a stronger, healthier person; mentally and physically;
5. To move on from this --- not let it envelope me and take over;
6. To be a positive resource for any other person on this earth who needs to reach out to someone and get advice, cry to, or seek support from.
See? The realistic me wants to be a proud survivor. The scared little girl in me fears the worst. But I'm not a little girl anymore. I have loved and I have lost and I have suffered and I have grieved; I have achieved and I have gained (both intelligence and weight lol). In the past, when faced with grieving a loss, or celebrating a victory, I had a man by my side to give me emotional support. This time....I do not. I am facing this head on without a man by my side. Maybe I need this test of emotional strength - to finally realize that I am in fact complete without a man. Because all of my life, I thought I was in fact incomplete.
Maybe, just maybe, when this battle is behind me, I will in fact be a force to be reckoned with.
Thanks for reading. This blog entry has definitely been the most emotionally charged and helpful to me.
7 laps to go on the Daytona 500 and my niece's two favorite drivers are in the top 10 right now.
My thanks to all of you,
Doris
Saturday, February 16, 2008
A little bite of reality...
Today my sister Janet, my mom, and I went to a couple of stores. It's the first time I've been out of the house besides all the hospital visits.
I found myself feeling a little insecure and checking my jacket a lot to make sure it was zipped and I was 'concealed.'
The 'c' word did not come up until we were almost back home. But when it did, it pulled me right back in to reality. And ya know what? I have cancer. Cancer does NOT have me. I will do what is necessary and I will win this. Because I want to go through the rest of my life standing proud and saying "I beat breast cancer." I do not want to be a withering flower. It's not my personality.
So, I may have bad days or just bad moments. But I will keep things in perspective as best I can and remind myself that living without cancer was a lot better and will be a lot better again.
Thanks for reading :-)
Doris
I found myself feeling a little insecure and checking my jacket a lot to make sure it was zipped and I was 'concealed.'
The 'c' word did not come up until we were almost back home. But when it did, it pulled me right back in to reality. And ya know what? I have cancer. Cancer does NOT have me. I will do what is necessary and I will win this. Because I want to go through the rest of my life standing proud and saying "I beat breast cancer." I do not want to be a withering flower. It's not my personality.
So, I may have bad days or just bad moments. But I will keep things in perspective as best I can and remind myself that living without cancer was a lot better and will be a lot better again.
Thanks for reading :-)
Doris
Friday, February 15, 2008
A little bit of normalcy.
Jake has been back with me for two days. His dad will pick him up tomorrow at 1pm.
It was so nice to have him back home. Have some normalcy. Although I can not drive or play anything too vigorous, we enjoyed some simple things that just gave me the affirmation I needed that my son is doing ok. We played "Memory" and colored and watched Spongebob and ate our meals together and basically just enjoyed quality time. It was great.
He has helped me to keep my mind off of other things, although that 'other' thing is still in the back of my mind and is brought to the forefront each time he reaches out to hug me and it hurts, or I try to bend down to pick something up, or even simple tasks that cause the stitches to pull and cause me pain.
I am so friggin' scared about what is ahead. I am ok with more surgery now; I have been dealt this and will handle it. What scares me now is having it 'come back' later in life or....having more positive pathology results after the next surgery.
You see, I quickly had come to terms with having breast cancer and had said "I'm fine with having breast cancer, as long as it does not travel to any other part of my body" and now I'm thinking "Ok, one setback, I can handle it, but THEN there can't be any more." So, I fear there WILL be more. See where I'm coming from here?
Anyway, I think that losing the independence of driving has really affected me. But at the same time, I'm not sure I would have gone anywhere. lol
I guess that's it for tonight. I'm holding up and I'm just so happy to have my son, my family and so many wonderful friends checking in on me.
Tuesday I'll get the rest of the stitches and the drain removed and discuss the next surgery. I'll keep everyone posted.
Take care,
Doris
It was so nice to have him back home. Have some normalcy. Although I can not drive or play anything too vigorous, we enjoyed some simple things that just gave me the affirmation I needed that my son is doing ok. We played "Memory" and colored and watched Spongebob and ate our meals together and basically just enjoyed quality time. It was great.
He has helped me to keep my mind off of other things, although that 'other' thing is still in the back of my mind and is brought to the forefront each time he reaches out to hug me and it hurts, or I try to bend down to pick something up, or even simple tasks that cause the stitches to pull and cause me pain.
I am so friggin' scared about what is ahead. I am ok with more surgery now; I have been dealt this and will handle it. What scares me now is having it 'come back' later in life or....having more positive pathology results after the next surgery.
You see, I quickly had come to terms with having breast cancer and had said "I'm fine with having breast cancer, as long as it does not travel to any other part of my body" and now I'm thinking "Ok, one setback, I can handle it, but THEN there can't be any more." So, I fear there WILL be more. See where I'm coming from here?
Anyway, I think that losing the independence of driving has really affected me. But at the same time, I'm not sure I would have gone anywhere. lol
I guess that's it for tonight. I'm holding up and I'm just so happy to have my son, my family and so many wonderful friends checking in on me.
Tuesday I'll get the rest of the stitches and the drain removed and discuss the next surgery. I'll keep everyone posted.
Take care,
Doris
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
I'm sorry
I was so hoping to send a message tonight that would announce that I am on the way to a full recovery. That is not the case. I sit here not really sure what to say. I'll give you the bare bones run down, as right now all the medical jargon is too much to remember.
Apparently during my mastectomy the surgeon tested a lymph node which tested negative. However, literally the OTHER half of that lymph node went to pathology for further testing and tested positive for DCIS or "Ductal Carcinoma In Situ". (Here's a link for info: http://www.dcis.info/dcis.html)
I need to go in for further surgery. I will have the stage 1 and stage 2 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm. At the same time, the surgeon will install a 'port' (called a VAD which stands for Vascular Access Device) for my future chemo treatments which I will require - probably between 6 and 8 weeks of chemo.
There is a 16% chance of there being any further disease.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I wish I could call each person individually to deliver this news and I am sorry if I hurt, offend, or anger anyone by having them find out this way. But I guess I feel that this is my blog and it is a safe place for you to sit and read and cry or pray or do whatever you wish in response.
I myself am crying a lot and beginning to ask "why me?" And again believing that I became too cocky because my recovery has been going so well and thought that maybe I was going to get out of this 'easy' and for that, I am truly sorry.
My surgeon, Dr. Palladino STILL insists that in 6 months this will all be behind me. I am holding her to those words, as I am now holding on to that timeline with great hope and expectations for a full recovery, peppered with some pain, fear, and a lot of love and support along the way.
I'm not sure if in the past I ever said these words, or formally made this request, so I am making it now -- please say a prayer for me. But don't just stop at my name. Say a prayer for every man, woman, and child who has been effected directly or indirectly by this disease. And please...please wear pink.
Did I ever mention the hat? Yeah, the baseball cap that I received from the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital. They gave me a 'goodie bag' of gifts and information. It included a baseball cap. "Hats of Hope." I took it out of the bag and looked at my friend Tommie (my sister's mother in law who has attended all of my appointments with me) and I was pissed off. Not mad. Pissed off. I showed it to her and said "Oh great, something to wear when I lose all my hair." Maybe I jinxed myself on that day, because at that time I had no idea (nor did the doctors) if I would even require chemotherapy. I can't even write about that topic anymore tonight.
I think I'm entitled to be mad for a little while. Don't worry - I will survive - I have to - it is not an option. But I think I can just be mad about this new information. I had accepted that I had breast cancer, I am not doing so well with the new information.
Thank you all for listening and again, I'm sorry that this is the way the majority of you are going to receive the news.
Doris
Apparently during my mastectomy the surgeon tested a lymph node which tested negative. However, literally the OTHER half of that lymph node went to pathology for further testing and tested positive for DCIS or "Ductal Carcinoma In Situ". (Here's a link for info: http://www.dcis.info/dcis.html)
I need to go in for further surgery. I will have the stage 1 and stage 2 lymph nodes removed from under my left arm. At the same time, the surgeon will install a 'port' (called a VAD which stands for Vascular Access Device) for my future chemo treatments which I will require - probably between 6 and 8 weeks of chemo.
There is a 16% chance of there being any further disease.
So, that's it in a nutshell. I wish I could call each person individually to deliver this news and I am sorry if I hurt, offend, or anger anyone by having them find out this way. But I guess I feel that this is my blog and it is a safe place for you to sit and read and cry or pray or do whatever you wish in response.
I myself am crying a lot and beginning to ask "why me?" And again believing that I became too cocky because my recovery has been going so well and thought that maybe I was going to get out of this 'easy' and for that, I am truly sorry.
My surgeon, Dr. Palladino STILL insists that in 6 months this will all be behind me. I am holding her to those words, as I am now holding on to that timeline with great hope and expectations for a full recovery, peppered with some pain, fear, and a lot of love and support along the way.
I'm not sure if in the past I ever said these words, or formally made this request, so I am making it now -- please say a prayer for me. But don't just stop at my name. Say a prayer for every man, woman, and child who has been effected directly or indirectly by this disease. And please...please wear pink.
Did I ever mention the hat? Yeah, the baseball cap that I received from the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital. They gave me a 'goodie bag' of gifts and information. It included a baseball cap. "Hats of Hope." I took it out of the bag and looked at my friend Tommie (my sister's mother in law who has attended all of my appointments with me) and I was pissed off. Not mad. Pissed off. I showed it to her and said "Oh great, something to wear when I lose all my hair." Maybe I jinxed myself on that day, because at that time I had no idea (nor did the doctors) if I would even require chemotherapy. I can't even write about that topic anymore tonight.
I think I'm entitled to be mad for a little while. Don't worry - I will survive - I have to - it is not an option. But I think I can just be mad about this new information. I had accepted that I had breast cancer, I am not doing so well with the new information.
Thank you all for listening and again, I'm sorry that this is the way the majority of you are going to receive the news.
Doris
Hello everyone
Today is a crappy weather day. I'm still sore from the stitches being removed on the right side yesterday. I'm still nervous about today. Whatever happens I'll accept it and I'll deal with it. I can handle it right? I have no choice.
Ok, I'm not sure if I was clear on my procedure, so I thought I'd write it out here to clarify as a couple of people have asked:
I had a mastectomy of the left breast with reconstruction and a temporary implant. I had the right breast reduced, so "the twins" will be about the same size when all is said and done. And might I say, they are looking great already, so that gives me some feeling of normalcy and relief, as I did not know what to expect the first time and subsequent times the bandages have been removed.
Anyway, the purpose of the temporary implant? Well, if I indeed require radiation, those treatments cause the skin to tighten. Thus, the temporary is a bit larger then what the permanent will be so that the skin is stretched to accomodate the permanent implant and allow for the 'side effect' of skin tightening.
I hope this made sense and answered some questions.
Ok people - whatever is dealt to me, I will deal with it and accept it as necessary treatment. When I get back from the 3:20pm appointment today with Dr. Palladino I will update my blog to let you know how it went. Send good vibes!!!
My best to you,
Doris
Ok, I'm not sure if I was clear on my procedure, so I thought I'd write it out here to clarify as a couple of people have asked:
I had a mastectomy of the left breast with reconstruction and a temporary implant. I had the right breast reduced, so "the twins" will be about the same size when all is said and done. And might I say, they are looking great already, so that gives me some feeling of normalcy and relief, as I did not know what to expect the first time and subsequent times the bandages have been removed.
Anyway, the purpose of the temporary implant? Well, if I indeed require radiation, those treatments cause the skin to tighten. Thus, the temporary is a bit larger then what the permanent will be so that the skin is stretched to accomodate the permanent implant and allow for the 'side effect' of skin tightening.
I hope this made sense and answered some questions.
Ok people - whatever is dealt to me, I will deal with it and accept it as necessary treatment. When I get back from the 3:20pm appointment today with Dr. Palladino I will update my blog to let you know how it went. Send good vibes!!!
My best to you,
Doris
Tuesday, February 12, 2008
Just checking in.
I had the stitches removed from the right breast today and had new steri-strips placed on the left. I still have the drain. I still can not drive. I still can not take a hot shower. Valentine's Day is nearly here. And in a few months I'll be 41.
I'm feeling lousey tonight. Sad? I don't know. A little frustrated and a little disappointed and still fearing what Dr. Palladino will say tomorrow.
I'm sore from the stitches and I feel like I could sleep for a week.
I received about 10 get well cards in the mail today. How cool is that? They definitely cheer me up.
Ok, I'm sorry for the flat message tonight, but I'm going to just take off the 'happy face' and chill out for the night.
Doris
I'm feeling lousey tonight. Sad? I don't know. A little frustrated and a little disappointed and still fearing what Dr. Palladino will say tomorrow.
I'm sore from the stitches and I feel like I could sleep for a week.
I received about 10 get well cards in the mail today. How cool is that? They definitely cheer me up.
Ok, I'm sorry for the flat message tonight, but I'm going to just take off the 'happy face' and chill out for the night.
Doris
Monday, February 11, 2008
I am truly blessed.
Yup, took time and an experience like this for me to realize it, but I AM BLESSED! Our value is NOT based upon our financial wealth. It truly IS based upon the friendships and relationships we foster through our lives.
I have friends, family, colleagues, and people from all walks of life who I care about and who care about me. I have an ex-husband who knows that the only thing that matters is our son and his safety and happiness and well-being. I have a son who teaches me something about myself every day I have with him. I have doctors, who until just a few weeks ago, did not know who Doris Lachance was, and yet they are now my trusted team of professionals whom I shall never forget.
So today I spoke with one of those professionals - Susan LaFlamme - she is Dr. Marble's Medical Assistant. I was supposed to call her today and check in and based upon the drainage on my left side, she would determine if I could have the drain removed today. Well, I can't. Not today. There's still a lot of drainage. She asked me if I had been active this weekend and I said "Well, I didn't play volleyball or anything," I amuse her. LOL. So I will go in tomorrow and have the sutures taken out and hopefully the drain as well.
Did you know I was funny? I never really thought I was. I only 'realized' I was funny about 2 years ago. When I worked at SAU 44 in Northwood, I would have those girls in stitches during lunch. It felt good to make other people laugh and feel good. And right now, it feels good to have other people reaching out to me and letting me know they care and they are making me feel good.
4 hours with my son was not enough yesterday, and yet I had to take a nap when he left! He is so full of energy and he's such a happy kid. I never knew a parents love for their child could be so powerful.
As far as a 'meltdown', that hasn't happened yet. I cried when Jake left yesterday. But he is safe and happy and I think he's doing ok with things.
I hear it's 'wicked' cold outside. lol. So I'm going to relax and enjoy the Golden Girls and whatever random movies are on HBO.
Thanks again to everyone. Your friendship and your love....you're keeping me strong. I feel your support and I am blessed.
Doris
I have friends, family, colleagues, and people from all walks of life who I care about and who care about me. I have an ex-husband who knows that the only thing that matters is our son and his safety and happiness and well-being. I have a son who teaches me something about myself every day I have with him. I have doctors, who until just a few weeks ago, did not know who Doris Lachance was, and yet they are now my trusted team of professionals whom I shall never forget.
So today I spoke with one of those professionals - Susan LaFlamme - she is Dr. Marble's Medical Assistant. I was supposed to call her today and check in and based upon the drainage on my left side, she would determine if I could have the drain removed today. Well, I can't. Not today. There's still a lot of drainage. She asked me if I had been active this weekend and I said "Well, I didn't play volleyball or anything," I amuse her. LOL. So I will go in tomorrow and have the sutures taken out and hopefully the drain as well.
Did you know I was funny? I never really thought I was. I only 'realized' I was funny about 2 years ago. When I worked at SAU 44 in Northwood, I would have those girls in stitches during lunch. It felt good to make other people laugh and feel good. And right now, it feels good to have other people reaching out to me and letting me know they care and they are making me feel good.
4 hours with my son was not enough yesterday, and yet I had to take a nap when he left! He is so full of energy and he's such a happy kid. I never knew a parents love for their child could be so powerful.
As far as a 'meltdown', that hasn't happened yet. I cried when Jake left yesterday. But he is safe and happy and I think he's doing ok with things.
I hear it's 'wicked' cold outside. lol. So I'm going to relax and enjoy the Golden Girls and whatever random movies are on HBO.
Thanks again to everyone. Your friendship and your love....you're keeping me strong. I feel your support and I am blessed.
Doris
Saturday, February 9, 2008
And another thing...
....about my previous post, my smaller chest has resulted in my shirts being longer. lol. I got up in the middle of the night last night and went in to my bathroom and looked at myself in the mirror in my jammies and just giggled. I feel some relief.
And as far as the 'sign' I was seeking from Pat Orcutt? I got it. On Monday morning walking down the hallway toward the elevators at the hospital I looked out the huge windows and there it was....the most beautiful pink sky. And I smiled. And I felt her comfort. And I knew I would be ok.
Yesterday when I was at the Medical Assistant's office getting the dressing changed and the drain removed, I had a quick teary moment and she asked "Have you had your meltdown yet?" and I said "No." And she said "I didn't think so, you're about due for it. When it comes, just let it happen. And it will pass." I think that moment, if I could pre-plan it, will be tomorrow. Tomorrow I finally get to see my little man for a few hours. I have missed him so much but definitely could not take care of him and myself at the same time...wait..I couldn't even take care of myself. lol So I'll get to see my little boy tomorrow. I can not wait.
I am experiencing some tremendous clarity today. I've stopped the pain med's and I'm just using Ibuprofen and I'm feeling good. The jitters from this morning are gone. I've made my own lunch and dinner today (yay me!!!!) and I let my mom have the night off. ;-)
I know I keep going back to this, but I have to, because this is my blog. On the 13th I will see Dr. Palladino and I believe at that time I will find out if I will need follow up treatments in the way of radiation or chemo. And I can be honest and admit that yes, I'm gonna be some kind of pissed of if I lose my hair. Up until a few hours ago, that's ALL I thought about. I went back in to a mode I am a little too good at --- 'selfish' mode. And somehow in the next thought I realized that it will be physically and emotionally draining and I will continue to need support of friends and family and make sure my son knows his mommy is going to be ok. Did I tell you about the book Dr. Palladino gave me? It's called "My mom and the polka dot boo boo" and it's a book of how to explain Breast Cancer to young children. I am able to read the whole book now without crying, so I think I'll be able to read it to him now and show strength for him.
Anyway, I'll never forget that pink sky. It was just breath taking and the feeling of peace which came over me is something I shall never forget. I think....I hope that I will learn to appreciate things....I've lacked in that regard in the past...
Thanks for reading. I'm so glad I have all of you 'with' me on this journey.
My very best to you,
Doris
And as far as the 'sign' I was seeking from Pat Orcutt? I got it. On Monday morning walking down the hallway toward the elevators at the hospital I looked out the huge windows and there it was....the most beautiful pink sky. And I smiled. And I felt her comfort. And I knew I would be ok.
Yesterday when I was at the Medical Assistant's office getting the dressing changed and the drain removed, I had a quick teary moment and she asked "Have you had your meltdown yet?" and I said "No." And she said "I didn't think so, you're about due for it. When it comes, just let it happen. And it will pass." I think that moment, if I could pre-plan it, will be tomorrow. Tomorrow I finally get to see my little man for a few hours. I have missed him so much but definitely could not take care of him and myself at the same time...wait..I couldn't even take care of myself. lol So I'll get to see my little boy tomorrow. I can not wait.
I am experiencing some tremendous clarity today. I've stopped the pain med's and I'm just using Ibuprofen and I'm feeling good. The jitters from this morning are gone. I've made my own lunch and dinner today (yay me!!!!) and I let my mom have the night off. ;-)
I know I keep going back to this, but I have to, because this is my blog. On the 13th I will see Dr. Palladino and I believe at that time I will find out if I will need follow up treatments in the way of radiation or chemo. And I can be honest and admit that yes, I'm gonna be some kind of pissed of if I lose my hair. Up until a few hours ago, that's ALL I thought about. I went back in to a mode I am a little too good at --- 'selfish' mode. And somehow in the next thought I realized that it will be physically and emotionally draining and I will continue to need support of friends and family and make sure my son knows his mommy is going to be ok. Did I tell you about the book Dr. Palladino gave me? It's called "My mom and the polka dot boo boo" and it's a book of how to explain Breast Cancer to young children. I am able to read the whole book now without crying, so I think I'll be able to read it to him now and show strength for him.
Anyway, I'll never forget that pink sky. It was just breath taking and the feeling of peace which came over me is something I shall never forget. I think....I hope that I will learn to appreciate things....I've lacked in that regard in the past...
Thanks for reading. I'm so glad I have all of you 'with' me on this journey.
My very best to you,
Doris
My shirts are longer....
..hello everyone. And hello blank blog page.
I don't even know where to begin. My recovery is going very well. My pain is minimal. My sleep schedule is a bit messed up. And the pain med's make me pretty loopy.
The procedure ended up being 5 hours with 3 hours in recovery and then my oxygen exchange was down to 70% so I woke up to a room full of hospital staff. That was creepy. But since I was on morphine, it didn't phase me much. lol
I also stayed an extra day at the hospital, as I was in no condition to go home.
The staff at Exeter Hospital treated me as though I was there only patient. It's awesome. They are so wonderful and caring. And have I mentioned how attractive the staff is? LOL - that really helps!!!
So one drain was removed yesterday and the surgical bra was loosened up - thank God, because it was way too tight and I thought I was going to feel like I was in a vice for the rest of my life. I realize as I'm typing that my grammar and spelling may be lacking --- sorry about that --- it's the med's.
This week I'll get the second drain removed and the sutures removed. On the 13th I believe I will find out if I am going to have to have radiation or chemo. That scares me. Really scares me.
Ok I have a lot more to say, but my fingers aren't working very well. Anyway, thanks to all of your for your emails and phone calls and please keep them coming --- they really brighten my day!!!!
Doris
I don't even know where to begin. My recovery is going very well. My pain is minimal. My sleep schedule is a bit messed up. And the pain med's make me pretty loopy.
The procedure ended up being 5 hours with 3 hours in recovery and then my oxygen exchange was down to 70% so I woke up to a room full of hospital staff. That was creepy. But since I was on morphine, it didn't phase me much. lol
I also stayed an extra day at the hospital, as I was in no condition to go home.
The staff at Exeter Hospital treated me as though I was there only patient. It's awesome. They are so wonderful and caring. And have I mentioned how attractive the staff is? LOL - that really helps!!!
So one drain was removed yesterday and the surgical bra was loosened up - thank God, because it was way too tight and I thought I was going to feel like I was in a vice for the rest of my life. I realize as I'm typing that my grammar and spelling may be lacking --- sorry about that --- it's the med's.
This week I'll get the second drain removed and the sutures removed. On the 13th I believe I will find out if I am going to have to have radiation or chemo. That scares me. Really scares me.
Ok I have a lot more to say, but my fingers aren't working very well. Anyway, thanks to all of your for your emails and phone calls and please keep them coming --- they really brighten my day!!!!
Doris
Sunday, February 3, 2008
Thank God for the SuperBowl!!!
Well, if you don't already know it, I am a HUGE Pat's fan. It all started during the time my second husband had moved out and I started watching games when my son was with him to keep my mind occupied. With that said, now I watch because I love these men and I love this team!!!!
Having the Super Bowl on tonight is helping to keep my head clear and I'm not really freaking out with anxiety about tomorrow. I'm sort of in the "let's get this done, I have a life to live" mode right now.
I had written a "to do" checklist earlier this week (a suggestion made by friend Lisa) and I am proud to say that each task has a check mark next to it!! Yay me!! So I guess I have a feeling of calm, because there is nothing hanging over my head and 'waiting' for me while I am recovering.
That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. I am gonna' be one strong woman.....and I look forward to the challenge!
So to anyone who I did not reach out to this weekend via phone or email, please accept my apologies as it's been busy and hectic and now I'm settling in for the night.
Tomorrow is a new day and when I know my body is cancer free I will feel empowered to begin anew. So, maybe tomorrow is really the first day of the rest of my life.
Oh - one more thing - don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. What I mean by that is please, please, please let the people who mean something in your life KNOW that they mean something. Be willing to expose your emotions. Be willing to handle rejection if the love/admiration is not mutual. Because as long as we are all honest about our feelings, we
are being true to ourselves, and in the end, we only have to face ourselves in the mirror and I for one want to do that knowing I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'll send an update just as soon as I am able. My sister Laura will be making many phone calls tomorrow when I am moved to recovery.
Sweet dreams,
Doris
Having the Super Bowl on tonight is helping to keep my head clear and I'm not really freaking out with anxiety about tomorrow. I'm sort of in the "let's get this done, I have a life to live" mode right now.
I had written a "to do" checklist earlier this week (a suggestion made by friend Lisa) and I am proud to say that each task has a check mark next to it!! Yay me!! So I guess I have a feeling of calm, because there is nothing hanging over my head and 'waiting' for me while I am recovering.
That which does not kill me, makes me stronger. I am gonna' be one strong woman.....and I look forward to the challenge!
So to anyone who I did not reach out to this weekend via phone or email, please accept my apologies as it's been busy and hectic and now I'm settling in for the night.
Tomorrow is a new day and when I know my body is cancer free I will feel empowered to begin anew. So, maybe tomorrow is really the first day of the rest of my life.
Oh - one more thing - don't put off until tomorrow what you can do today. What I mean by that is please, please, please let the people who mean something in your life KNOW that they mean something. Be willing to expose your emotions. Be willing to handle rejection if the love/admiration is not mutual. Because as long as we are all honest about our feelings, we
are being true to ourselves, and in the end, we only have to face ourselves in the mirror and I for one want to do that knowing I have nothing to lose and everything to gain.
I'll send an update just as soon as I am able. My sister Laura will be making many phone calls tomorrow when I am moved to recovery.
Sweet dreams,
Doris
Just thinking...
Sorry I didn't write yesterday. I was really busy running errands and went to lunch with mom. It was nice. She's kept me busy. So today we went to Walmart to pick up the last few items I needed before surgery. There was a mom there - yelling furiously at her kids to come with her or she was 'going to leave them' at the store. People make me sick sometimes. Society as a whole scares the hell out of me. Rape, murder, child abuse and neglect, exploitation - all of it. We have a senator or whatever he is on trial and wasting taxpayer money to prosecute him. Justice was served recently when Anthony Dilboy was found guilty of manslaughter in the death of a man I knew and that man's nephew.
Marc Vachon touched my life and I will never forget the night of the car accident that killed him and his nephew, or the feelings of confusion and pain I had afterwards. To this day I still miss him. I think......he scared me because he was SUCH a nut and SO silly and immature sometimes and he did not care what people thought of him. While I'm the uptight type who tries to act 'proper' in various situations and sometimes I felt embarassed to be around him. When in reality....I wish I were more like him. He lived life to it's fullest. He tought me something about myself. Rest in peace, Marc.
Next topic? No clue....I'm anxious....getting closer to Monday morning with each passing hour. The phone calls and emails keep coming in. PLEASE keep sending them. They are SO much appreciated and I enjoy them greatly!!!
If you read this today, do me a favor? Wear some pink tomorrow (Monday) and send good vibes my way. Even if it's just your socks - I don't care. Just a little bit of pink ok? Thanks :-)
I'll write some more later. I'm going to take some time to breathe.
Doris
Marc Vachon touched my life and I will never forget the night of the car accident that killed him and his nephew, or the feelings of confusion and pain I had afterwards. To this day I still miss him. I think......he scared me because he was SUCH a nut and SO silly and immature sometimes and he did not care what people thought of him. While I'm the uptight type who tries to act 'proper' in various situations and sometimes I felt embarassed to be around him. When in reality....I wish I were more like him. He lived life to it's fullest. He tought me something about myself. Rest in peace, Marc.
Next topic? No clue....I'm anxious....getting closer to Monday morning with each passing hour. The phone calls and emails keep coming in. PLEASE keep sending them. They are SO much appreciated and I enjoy them greatly!!!
If you read this today, do me a favor? Wear some pink tomorrow (Monday) and send good vibes my way. Even if it's just your socks - I don't care. Just a little bit of pink ok? Thanks :-)
I'll write some more later. I'm going to take some time to breathe.
Doris
Friday, February 1, 2008
Regrets...
...So..ya' know that song? I think it's Sinatra "...regrets...I've had a few......." lol. Anyway....I just woke up from a nap at 7pm and my mind goes from blank to racing in a matter of moments. So I'm thinking about what to write tonight. And I was thinking about work today which went well and it lead me to think about the Pink Ribbons.
One of my co-workers came in to work and pointed at the Pink Ribbon pins she was wearing.....one on each point of the collar of her shirt and another on her ID badge lanyard. And she asks me something about whether she was doing well at 'representing' or 'supporting' the cause and I thought that was SO cool. From there, I started thinking about the Pink Ribbons. I used to have one on my truck. For me, it was in support of, and then in memory of a very special person in my life who lost her battle. Pat Orcutt and I met when I worked at the Newmarket Town Hall. Her battle seemed surreal to me, because during the time I knew her, she was healthy and happy and her battle was seemingly behind her. Long after I left the Town, Pat was diagnosed again and during that time I got my updates on her circumstances through a mutual friend. Because Pat and I had gone our separate ways, she was in my thoughts and prayers, but I did not reach out to her personally. Pat has been gone for two years now. I keep thinking she is going to send me a sign of some sort. Nothing yet....that I know of.
So yes, big time regrets there. Regrets that I did not take five minutes to send her a card or give her a call. But to me...I thought "Pat has her close friends and family with her and I don't want to be a burden." Plus, I thought "If I reach out now....she's going to think that I'm reaching out because I don't think she's going to survive." Well...she didn't. I lost her. I had thought "Oh she's won the battle twice before, she'll win it again, she's a fighter."
This isn't about how tough you are. I mean, sure, a strong mind can probably help you to endure, but the "C" word has a mind of it's own and sometimes it is the stronger one.
I've had bouts of "why me?" and "how much more am I going to be faced with in my life?" and I get mad. And sometimes I just cry. And other times I am willing to agree with the belief that whatever I am dealt will make me stronger. Stronger for what? No clue.
My regrets run deeper as well....there seems to be a pattern in my life of friends whom I lose contact with and then they are gone. I am reading about them in the obituaries of the Foster's Daily Democrat. I am attending a funeral. I am grieving the loss and at the same time regretting that there was a disconnect in the relationship for whatever reason.
All the money in the world can not buy you happiness. Friends bring happiness at no cost - unless you lose them - and then there is no price you can put on that loss.
Don't put a Pink Ribbon on your car, or on your lapel, or anywhere unless it's for true support. Don't do it to be "politically correct." Do it to remind people that there are people with the disease...there are people who lost the battle.....
I see the Pink Ribbon now and it relates to ME. It used to be something that "other people" had. But now it's me....now I'm a statistic. One in Nine.
Women don't want to get mammograms because they hurt or they're embarassing or they just don't have the time. Well.....get over the pain, get over the embarassment and make the time. It could save your life.
Tomorrow I have a hair appointment - I want it short so that during recovery I don't have to deal with it. Then I'm getting my treadmill and stationary bike delivered to my apartment so I can keep my body moving to avoid blod clotting during recovery. After that, I have to pick up all of my prescriptions which I will need when I return home after surgery --- pain meds, etc. Along with that, I was given a "shopping list" from the surgeon of things I would need as well.....gauze pads....ice packs.....Vitamin C.....So it will be a busy day.
Today when I said goodbye to my son, he tried not cry. It broke my heart. He knows he will be with his daddy for an extended period of time while I recuperate. I told him I was going to be ok and that I will see him soon. He is the reason I will fight. I won't let my son grow up without his mommy.
Thanks for reading.
Doris
One of my co-workers came in to work and pointed at the Pink Ribbon pins she was wearing.....one on each point of the collar of her shirt and another on her ID badge lanyard. And she asks me something about whether she was doing well at 'representing' or 'supporting' the cause and I thought that was SO cool. From there, I started thinking about the Pink Ribbons. I used to have one on my truck. For me, it was in support of, and then in memory of a very special person in my life who lost her battle. Pat Orcutt and I met when I worked at the Newmarket Town Hall. Her battle seemed surreal to me, because during the time I knew her, she was healthy and happy and her battle was seemingly behind her. Long after I left the Town, Pat was diagnosed again and during that time I got my updates on her circumstances through a mutual friend. Because Pat and I had gone our separate ways, she was in my thoughts and prayers, but I did not reach out to her personally. Pat has been gone for two years now. I keep thinking she is going to send me a sign of some sort. Nothing yet....that I know of.
So yes, big time regrets there. Regrets that I did not take five minutes to send her a card or give her a call. But to me...I thought "Pat has her close friends and family with her and I don't want to be a burden." Plus, I thought "If I reach out now....she's going to think that I'm reaching out because I don't think she's going to survive." Well...she didn't. I lost her. I had thought "Oh she's won the battle twice before, she'll win it again, she's a fighter."
This isn't about how tough you are. I mean, sure, a strong mind can probably help you to endure, but the "C" word has a mind of it's own and sometimes it is the stronger one.
I've had bouts of "why me?" and "how much more am I going to be faced with in my life?" and I get mad. And sometimes I just cry. And other times I am willing to agree with the belief that whatever I am dealt will make me stronger. Stronger for what? No clue.
My regrets run deeper as well....there seems to be a pattern in my life of friends whom I lose contact with and then they are gone. I am reading about them in the obituaries of the Foster's Daily Democrat. I am attending a funeral. I am grieving the loss and at the same time regretting that there was a disconnect in the relationship for whatever reason.
All the money in the world can not buy you happiness. Friends bring happiness at no cost - unless you lose them - and then there is no price you can put on that loss.
Don't put a Pink Ribbon on your car, or on your lapel, or anywhere unless it's for true support. Don't do it to be "politically correct." Do it to remind people that there are people with the disease...there are people who lost the battle.....
I see the Pink Ribbon now and it relates to ME. It used to be something that "other people" had. But now it's me....now I'm a statistic. One in Nine.
Women don't want to get mammograms because they hurt or they're embarassing or they just don't have the time. Well.....get over the pain, get over the embarassment and make the time. It could save your life.
Tomorrow I have a hair appointment - I want it short so that during recovery I don't have to deal with it. Then I'm getting my treadmill and stationary bike delivered to my apartment so I can keep my body moving to avoid blod clotting during recovery. After that, I have to pick up all of my prescriptions which I will need when I return home after surgery --- pain meds, etc. Along with that, I was given a "shopping list" from the surgeon of things I would need as well.....gauze pads....ice packs.....Vitamin C.....So it will be a busy day.
Today when I said goodbye to my son, he tried not cry. It broke my heart. He knows he will be with his daddy for an extended period of time while I recuperate. I told him I was going to be ok and that I will see him soon. He is the reason I will fight. I won't let my son grow up without his mommy.
Thanks for reading.
Doris
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