Questioning things...

I've learned to be appreciative over the past few months. I think I have mentioned in a previous entry that I have been a bit selfish in my life. If you were to say "ok, give me an example".....I'm not really sure I could. Maybe I'm selfish internally...in my thoughts. Because I am not sure I show others that side of me.

I have learned a lot about myself in the past 2 years. It started with the ending of my second marriage. Which actually helped me to realize some things about my first marriage. Then it was facing living on my own and sharing my son on a part time basis and trying to figure out how to financially make ends meet. And now that has led to the possibility of me, at the age of almost 41, having to apply for financial assistance. I find this both insulting and degrading.

There are a lot of things you don't learn until after the fact. Like....no one told me, including my lawyer, that when a couple divorce, the man ends up better off financially and the woman often finds it hard to get by.

Then I move into a dump apartment that I was embarassed to have anyone come to. So...I wouldn't allow anyone over. And then thankfully, another apartment - bigger, better, quieter, more like a home - became available and so I saw some light at the end of the tunnel. Of course, a better place costs more money.

So with every step forward there is at least a step back.

Sometimes....I am overwhelmed in my own thoughts...and that has led me to my next "issue".....my faith. Am I questioning it? I think so. Have I questioned it in the past? Yes. Do I feel guilty for questioning it? Yes. (So I guess I really am Catholic!!!) (Just kidding big guy upstairs!!!)

Anyway, sometimes I find myself wondering "If there really is a God then why _______....?" and I have a hard time finding the answers. In the past I have had this conversation with Beatrice and she always knew what to say. So Bea, feel free to email me on this one.

Here's what all of this comes back to --- am I being punished? Was I so selfish and self-serving in my own thoughts and actions that God is now punishing me by....losing my dad way too young...having 2 failed marriages....sharing my son...losing the best job I ever held because of the sickening ethical violations...suffering migraines...sleep apnea...putting my dog to sleep...Jake's hamster dying...sometimes it feels like too much. I want someone to please help me to understand WHERE God is during all of these events. Is it the faith of others that helped me through the breast cancer diagnosis? To be honest with all of you right now (boy I think I'm in confessional) I have only prayed a handful of times through all of this. But not because I was defying religion...I think more because I wanted to fight this on my own...give myself a little credit for the success of the outcome. Depend on myself and no one else. Is that just me being selfish again?

Boy....things come full circle and yet I still have no answers. And by the way, there are many, many other events which took place in between those which I listed above - like Dan and I sitting on the retaining wall at our house in Rochester, me several months pregnant, and Russell and Beatrice delivering the sad news that Memere had passed away - but the list is just too long. I think I can sum up things best by saying I have suffered a lot of loss.

I heard recently that if you find yourself wishing you could go back to a previous time in your life, it means you have regrets. I have touched on that in a previous entry too -- I definitely have regrets.

So what does this all come down to? Does it all fall back on me? What changes can I make? How can the next 40 years provide less pain and loss and sadness and instead be full of love, happiness, joy and personal fulfillment? Boy, Dr. Stenslie is gonna have a field day with this entry.

I bought a scale on Saturday. Dr. Hammond wants me to keep an eye on my weight. I keep being told that this is NOT the time to try to drop these extra pounds. That I should be eating for healing. Well, I've lost 2 more pounds. I am finding that "eating for healing" is STILL healthier then what I was doing!!!!

And how peculiar is it that I can go from talking about "life" and "God" in one paragraph and then jump to "the scale" in the next breath?

Ok, you're probably tired from reading all of this. As always, I thank you for checking up on me and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Oh, and I know some of you out there may not want to add a comment here, but please do not hesitate to email me: dorislachance@metrocast.net with your thoughts, suggestions, prayers, jokes, funny limericks....whatever :-)

And back to appreciation for a second....in the past I know that I may not have been so sympathetic of those diagnosed with a disease...and ya know what? I've learned now that that is because I could NOT relate to what they were going through. Well...I can relate now. So if you know someone who I may be able to reach out to, please let me know.

Ok - one more thing - I had a phone conversation with my sister Laura tonight for an hour and 20 minutes. Never in my life have I spent that much time on the phone with a sibling - with a friend? absolutely! but not a sibling. Well, the thing is...at some point she became my friend and I'm pretty damned thankful for that.
Always,
Doris

The inevitable.

I thought it was my imagination, but I'm pretty sure now that my hair is thinning out. I can handle this. Just a temporary condition.

Doris

A good day

Well, I did it, I bought a wig. It was way more expensive then I expected, but hopefully insurance will reimburse me for a large chunk.

It's really cute and I think I'll be perfectly confident wearing it. And my son won't laugh at me!!!

Anyway, I have some deep thoughts to share, but right now I need to clear my head of a headache. So I'll write tomorrow :-)

No one to answer to...

It's Friday night and I awoke at 7:45 p.m. to the phone ringing; it was my son calling to say goodnight. I fell asleep somewhere around 6-ish.

So it's been an interesting week. Monday and Tuesday were hell. Wednesday was better. Thursday was really good. Today...the school had a snow day, but I still worked and it was a good day pretty much.

Ya' know if you look at your fingers...palm down...look at your fingers and ya' know the skin between each set of knuckles?...well....my skin in these locations is red and puffy and itchy. This started slowly over the past 2 days and tonight is driving me nutty. Lotions don't seem to relieve it.

Anyway, tonight with no one to answer to, I found it easy to kick back and relax and take a nap. All week I've been in 'go' mode..."go get better"..."go to work"..."go take care of Jake"..."go"...so tonight I think my body is saying "go relax" lol

I love it when people see me or email me and say "No updates to your blog lately - how are you doing?" So I figured I haven't written for a few days and should send an update. My knuckles itch. Seems there was another 'side effect' or 'change' which I wanted to mention but right now whatever it is has escaped me. OH - that's it...nose bleeds. Not little nose bleeds....nose bleeds so bad that I wonder if they're going to ever stop. I see my Oncologist Tuesday so I'll talk to him about these things. When I'm there I assume I will be given the date for my second chemo treatment. Then when that is done, I can say I'm half way finished. Thank God.

Ok, I guess that's it for tonight. If anyone knows what I can do about these itchy knuckles, please, please, please let me know!!

Doris

Out of the mouths of babes....

So I checked my mail tonight with my son and saw that my headscarves had been delivered. We went in the apartment and I headed to the bathroom to try one on. Jake proceeded to start laughing and told me "Mommy you look funny....next time buy a hat." That's my boy!!!

I went back to work today and I'm feeling great. I think everyone's support and good vibes have done me a world of good!!!

Doris

Update

I spent the day in bed in a lot of pain. The Oncologist called in a prescription for Vicodin for me. It is helping me now. I have to modify my diet and drink plenty of fluids and eat things like...broth...soup....crackers....more bland stuff. I just pray I get some rest tonight. I want to thank those who read my blog and then sent emails. I also received a beautiful flower arrangement from my friend Sue J.

Your kindness and caring and support are much appreciated!! I try not to ask for things...it's not my nature...but again I ask that you please say a prayer for me for better, stronger days. And please say a prayer for all others effected by this cruel disease and this nasty treatment. I don't know if I mentioned this in my last entry, but I have a new found respect for cancer patients. Who cares if I lose my hair --- I need to win the fight.

Doris

Not sure I'm strong enough for this.

It is almost 4am on Monday morning. I have been awake since about midnight. My body is in excruciating pain. My heart feels like it will beat out of my chest. I can not get comfortable and can not relieve the discomfort. I thought sitting in the recliner might help, but it is not. This is officially the worst. If I am still like this at 7 I will call the hospital. Can't do this. Can't handle it. It's too much pain. This is so cruel. I never would have imagined anything this bad.

D--