p.s.

Another realization - based upon yesterdays entry: I block things out. I have been blocking out experiences all my life. I am assuming this is a survival mechanism. Block it out - it never happened - it can't hurt you if you can't recall it.

Because I blocked out an experience that happened less then a year ago, I let someone back in my life who is not good for me. It is not a healthy relationship. So I learned it again.

Funny, that I protect my son - keep him shielded from the real world. I protect him because I don't want him to experience hurt or pain. I know these things will happen in his life eventually. I guess I think I'm doing him a favor. I don't know.

But yet I do not take the same care for myself. Instead, I open up too soon - too quickly. I need to give myself the same care and consideration that I do my son. He is worth it. I am worth it.

Realizations

When these things come to mind, I'll try to blog them - to give me some peace.

Vacation is not about how much money you spend, where you go or what you do. A vacation is about what you ACHIEVE. Right now...at this moment....I have achieved a great feeling of calm and relaxation. Yeah, it's a good vacation!

On vacation

- it's good to have some time off. Not much to show for it at this point, but I will work on that.

Right now I am feeling defeated and disappointed. Long story, but it shall pass. Gotta stop reaching our to the wrong people. Gotta stop thinking that leopareds change their spots.

When I was young...

...I thought life got easier when we grew up.

Why in God's name was life so difficult when I was young that I would have this impression?

My parents worked full time. Owned a home. Always had at least one truck and one car in the driveway. Did I think this equated to happiness? Easyness? WRONG. Oh to be young again!

I made a mistake tonight that will cause me not to sleep. I got really upset that Jake was not allowed to go on the beach field trip today. Long story short, I'm the one who screwed up. I feel like a fool and I disappointed my son. I broke down crying in the truck and he hugged me and cried too. I think we are both tired.

I will apologize at his daycare again in the morning. But God I feel like an idiot. I need a vacation.

Moving on

I just wanted to quickly check in. Tonight has become a little emotional for me. I'm just tired I guess.

I am on vacation next week - the first time since Jake was a toddler. I'm hoping for some good weather so I can get away for some camping, fresh air and a good book.

Thanks for checking in.

Decided to blog...

..I'm in some emotional turmoil. Some I can share, and it may help alleviate some of the pain. Some will have to remain in my head.

Work is fine. I mean..as fine as it can be when you work at a high school and graduation is a week and a half away.

Jake is awesome. He always is. He is my little rock.

I've been having flashbacks. Some that go back to childhood. Some just a few years old. Tonight...I remembered Jake's Birthday party....the one where Dan and I were getting divorced. The pain was so fresh. The fear so powerful. But we worked side by side in the house we had built for us and we got through the party and my son had a great time. And then when my in-law family left that day I knew that I may well not see them again for quite some time. I remember hugging my neice Emma and trying not to cry. Knowing that this was goodbye. And then when everyone left, Dan only stayed for a short time. Then he said goodbye to our son and drove down the driveway and I stared at his tail lights and prayed he would turn around and come back to us. He did not.

And.....he's not coming back. And I need to let go.

The pain of a broken heart is never truly forgotten. Sometimes a fleeting memory brings all that pain right back. It is both physical and emotional.

Maybe all this time...ok...all this time I've been waiting for him to come back to us. Time to let him go.

My son is healthy and happy. This is what matters.

I have a lot of work to do on me. I'm going to start a personal 'to do' list.

Signing off for now. Too emotional.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Hi!!

Camping was great. I DID IT!!!!! All by myself! Yay me!! I put the tent up myself. I had my own fire. I fed myself. I slept on a useless foam pad and froze my butt off!!! Yup...it was great!!! Note to self: bring the air mattress next time as well as more blankies!!!!

Tonight I have to check in at the Frisbie Sleep Clinic at 8:30. I had this done about 6 years ago, but my new ear nose and throat doctor, Doctor White, wants new tests. I already know I have sleep apnea but I want another option for treatment, as I will not use the CPAP machine they set me up with. So I'm on my way (cross my fingers) to getting my sleep problems under control.

If I can get my sleep disorder corrected......I may actually be able to wake up in the morning without hitting the snooze alarm 8 times or still feeling exhausted even after 8 hours of sleep.

Tomorrow is also another huge step - I am seeing a psychiatrist. There are things in my past that I need to work through and there is a bright future ahead.

I think that's it for now. I need to get a few things done around here and get my stuff packed for the night.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris