I keep losing the focus.

That's my problem. I keep losing the focus on what is right, what is important and what is crucial to a happy, stable life.

It's after 10pm on Friday night. I have received emails from friends who keep up with my blog and they have offered their opinions, suggestions, love and support.

Tonight I am sitting here and I realize that I keep forgetting about me. Me, me, me. When someone new comes into my life, I focus on THEM. Instead, I should maintain the focus on myself and they should be a complement to my own existence. They should not...BECOME my existence. Sometimes though I think I find it easier to focus on others and try and help them through their trauma, drama, happiness and sadness to avoid facing my own. I'm 41 years old. I'm a mom. I'm a friend. I'm a sister. I'm an aunt. I'm a co-worker. I'm an employee. I'm a daughter. I'm a victim. I'm a statistic.

Today at work I essentially started coming down sick all over again. The sinuses are filled up, the chest is heavy with congestion. I am physically exhausted. Hmm...I wonder why? Yeah you got it...I lost my focus.

My little man turns 7 on Tuesday. My job is going really well. Get the focus back....just get the focus back.

Dr. Stenslie said that when reading my blog he sees the honesty. Well...this is me being me. Sometimes I open up to friends this intimately. Sometimes I hold it all inside. Sometimes I think I'm going nuts. Come to find out.....everyone has something they wish they could change, improve upon, begin, end or accept. I'm pretty normal and have just chosen to continue to use this blog as a means to express some thoughts and emotions and I pray to God that there is light at the end of this tunnel.

One of my dearest friends has just been given the same diagnosis I received last January - Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. Please add Charlotte Mason and her family to your prayer list. I am so proud to call Charlotte my friend. We connected very quickly when we worked together and she is someone I have always been able to be myself with. Charlotte loves me for who I am. I love Charlotte for who she is. And now to the very long list of what she is, I will add "fighter" and in 2009 I know I will proudly call her a fellow "survivor." Charlotte stopped in to work today and checked in with everyone. As a result, I believe she received a great deal of love and support from her friends and former co-workers. I had made a sign that I have kept on my wall in my office since returning back to work after the first two surgeries -- "I fight like a girl" in pink letters with a pink ribbon. I took it down this morning and gave it to Charlotte. I hope it will give her a smile and a sense of empowerment in difficult times like it did for me.

People ask me if I participated in any of the Breast Cancer walks this year. My quick answer is "no" but the honest and more specific answer is this: It was too soon. Emotionally and physically I was not ready to join this incredible crowd of people all standing up against this sick disease. I'm putting in writing - right here and now - as a pledge to myself and to all of my family and friends that in 2009 I will be an active participant in AT LEAST one Breast Cancer walk in 2009. I'm thinking of building a "team" as well. So if you are up for some cardio in the coming year, keep this cause in mind.

I'm so excited to take Jake out this Halloween - with so many options, he still hasnt' decided on a costume, but I know he'll be the cutest ghoul out there!!

As always - thanks for checking in!!
Doris