Post #3....I found this link

http://www.breastcancer.org/treatment/hormonal/ovary_removal.jsp

Ya' know what? I will never have a normal life. I don't know when I ever did.

Such is my life. Entry #2 for Sunday.

Went for a drive. Feeling very sad...lonely...depressed. But I'm keeping it in perspective. It has to be hormone related and the fact that my ovaries were removed. Just had to type. Thought it might help.

Going to do some more cleaning up around the apartment and try to get my mind off things. Ya know what? A friend of mine said Friday "The past is the past, it's the future that matters." So true. I think.

D--

The latest

Sorry I haven't written lately. Kinda' getting back in to the real world again. I've spent some time with a couple of old friends and gotten back out socially a little bit which has been nice.

My hair is growing in pretty quickly. People really seem to like it and many tell me I should keep it this short all the time!!!

My friend Lisa has been told she's looking at 6 months to a year before she'll be back 100%. But I know my Lisa, and I know it won't take that long. She is so driven. She'll make the doc's shake their heads in amazement when she surpasses all of their expectations. She's a fighter with an incredibly optimistic attitude that will pull her through this.

Let's see.....I treated myself to Chinese food last night and my hands are swollen today - must be the sodium content.

The skin on my arms has been a problem since moving out of the house in Nottingham. I did some research and it appears to be Keratonin Pilaris. I found a site called DermaDoctor and they sell something called "KP Duty" and after only two treatments my skin has improved. It's wierd, but I must say, that while undergoing chemo, all the symptoms of the condition had disappeared. Only when it returned did I take it seriously and start looking into it.

What else? Hmmmm...when I went in last Monday to get my stitches out of the left breast they couldn't do it. So on Wednesday I went back and Dr. Marble ok'd the removal but I have to keep steri-strips on the incision for a little while. They're healing a little slower and I confessed that I didn't lay off the caffeine this time as was drilled into my head after the other surgeries ;-) such a rebel I am. LOL

I think that's about it. Everyday.......every single day I am coming out of my shell a little bit more...not fearing that strangers will stare at me..feeling whole again. Dating on occasion. I've taken some pretty big steps. I can actually sit here right now and say I'm pretty damned proud of myself. Yeah. I'm damned proud.

And my little man? Well, he is LOVING school...the bus...and his new childcare center. He's just so cool and so amazing!!!!!

Thanks for checking in.

Doris

My son made me cry....

...when I picked up Jake tonight we started a discussion as we traveled down Route 125 and he said "I'm glad you don't have any more cancer and you're all done with surgeries" and I said "Me too buddy - what does that make me?" and he said with great pride "A SURVIVIOR!" How cool is that????

Anyway, work was a bit out of control today but no biggy.

I weighed myself this morning and my total loss is 9lbs. I guess I didn't fall too far off the wagon after all. :-)


Doris

Updates

1. I feel great;
2. My friend Lisa is back home. She has a visiting nurse and physical and occupational therapy. She is expected to make a full recovery (thank you God!);
3. Jakes 1st day of school is (too) fast approaching;
4. Work is crazy-busy and I'm lovin' it!;
5. My mom is nearly fully recovered from her fall last month, however she won't accept that her age is slowing her down and seems to keep re-aggravating a pinched nerve in her neck;
6. I have SLIGHTLY fallen off the Weight Watchers Wagon. This is ok - I'm totally ok with it. Time to refocus my energies and get back on track.
7. I have incredible family, friends and co-workers!!!!

Doris

Back to work

I'm returning to work tomorrow. I'm looking forward to it. For me...too much time on my hands leads to laziness and depression. Let me clarify ---- when Jake is with his dad, too much time on my hands leads to laziness and depression.

Last night I got hit with some major energy at around 8pm and ended up rearranging my living room. Now I have two lovely piles of junk on the floor to go through and reduce to a workable amount of random paperwork, etc.

School starts next week, so I'm nervous. Big changes for Jake, and each time we are embarking on a new routine, I turn in to a bowl of jiggling jelly worrying about how he'll adjust and yet he always blows me away with his ability to adapt. I worry too that my anxiety might rub off on him, so I do my best to keep a brave face for my little man.

This morning my mom called and woke me up, we ended up getting together for lunch and some shopping. For several months my mom has had a purple cancer survivor ribbon magnet for me, but I refused to take it. This morning, when we were on the phone I said "When you come over, can you bring my purple survivor ribbon?" and she did. When we left my apartment, I walked to the back of my truck and placed the Survivor magnet beside the Breast Cancer Awareness magnet. And I got choked up...and then a huge wave of relief came over me. Some people think these magnets are tacky......I have displayed them in the past for support of others....displaying one that reflects my own battle makes them all that more important to me. Now when I see one on a car...I think about....my battle and the fact that anyone displaying one has some how been affected.

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Please keep Lisa Gunville in your prayers. Lisa has been my best friend for many years and the news of her stroke has hit me hard. I love her so much. She is someone who I know would do anything for me, and I for her. Sometimes it is words of wisdom from her that help me face a tough day. She is an eternal optimist and she has tried to teach me, but I've been a tough pupil! She says that she always likes it when I refer to her in my blog and she giggles when she admits it. So as I type this my eyes fill with tears. Lisa has been my rock through some of the toughest phases of my adult life. I just hope she knows how much she has touched my life and has made me face my issues head on and of course, there is always her favorite saying which I tell her I can not stand...."It is what it is Doris." Ahhhhh!!!!!! lol! LOVE YOU LISA!!!!

Thanks for reading.
Doris

Prayers please

My friend Lisa Gunville has suffered a mild stroke. Please, please keep her in your prayers. I love her so much and wish I could be with her right now.

Awesome news!

Just got a phone call ---- pathology results from my ovaries came make normal. Yahhhhhhhoooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Today I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I am ready to accept the title "Survivor"!!!!!

I am feeling great and the only pain I am experiencing is at the incision sites from the ovary removal. Otherwise? Doing great!

Thanks for checking in. I never could have imagined the love and support I would receive during this difficult time in my life. You all rock!!!

Today

I got to the hospital early and they actually took me in for surgery early. It was a long day. 1 1/2 hrs successully removing the ovaries and tubes with no complications and 1 1/2 removing the tissue expander and putting in my new silicone implant.

Problem was they had a hard time getting me to come out of anesthesia and they were going to admit me because my concetration levels were so low. This same thing happened when I had my mastectomy. Anyway, the nurse took me for a walk and the saturation levels greatly improved and I was able to head home about 4:15.

I'm dealing with a lot of discomfort --- thus the reason I'm blogging at this hour ---but otherwise I'm ok. Well...a little down...but ok.

Thanks,
Doris

Anticipation

Surgery tomorrow. I have to be at Exeter Hospital at 8:45 and surgery is scheduled for 10:30.

I am a nervous wreck. I have "what if" syndrome today....."What if they open me up and find cancer in my uterus or ovaries or whatever?"...."What if they can't do the laperscopic procedure and have to cut me open like a fish?"

"What if this is not the last cancer related experience of my life?"

Klonopin helped to ease some of the anxiety but has replaced that symptom with another one -- depression. I"m in a serious funk right now. Need to be strong...keep the faith....hope for the best....breathe...

I'll check in again soon.

Doris

p.s.

I have lost 8.2lbs so far. :-)

Drama - I've had enough

I feel great today.
I called in to work and I'm so glad I did. Caught up on some sleep before I get Jake back tonight and shortly I head to Exeter Hospital for chest x-rays.
Jake and his Aunt and cousins are going to see Space Chimps - he was very excited last night!!
So.....I wore a sports bra to bed last night and I already feel better...this is a good thing.
Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Today

My friend Nora met me at Exeter Hospital and I met with Dr. McKee. After an exam and discussion it would appear that this burning sensation that I am experiencing may be:
1. Estrogen related;
2. Nerve regeneration; or 3. Related directly to the fact that I had stopped wearing sports/support bras to bed at night.

So if it's estrogen related, the problem will cease after the ovaries are removed next week. If it's bra related I'll know pretty quickly because I'll go back to wearing them as of tonight.

It was kind of weird seeing a new doctor at this stage, however Dr. Palladino and Dr. Marble are in Bolivia doing missionary work. It was helpful to have Dr. Palladino's nurse there - I'm more comfortable with people I am familiar with.

So...Dr. McKee said I am coming up on a "landmark" surgery Monday. I paused and stared at him and asked him what he meant. He said that usually having the ovaries removed is essentially the last step for someone with my diagnosis. Meaning...I'm on my way to better days. My eyes filled with tears and my emotions - well, I can't describe. It felt good. It just felt good to hear.

Anyway, I'm all registered for the procedures on Monday. I just need to go in tomorrow to have some chest x-rays done which they told me is common for a chemo patient prior to surgery.

Nora -- If you read this and you want to add anything, let me know. :-)

Doris

Another bump in the road.

You'll note that a few weeks ago I had a cyst removed from one of the incision lines on my right breast. Well...associated with that was some intense burning sensations in the breast tissue. I thought that the burning was related to the cyst. Well, the cycst is gone and the painful burning sensation keeps returning. This feeling is so intense....it feels like my breast is burning from the inside out. When it occurs it lasts for several hours.

I called Dr. Marbles Medical Assistant - Sue LaFlamme and she sounded concerned. She told me to take 800mg of Motrin and apply low heat to the area. If the pain is not improved or does not respond to this treatment I have to call her first thing tomorrow morning to get in and see someone.

Both Dr. Marble and Dr. Palladino are currently out of the country doing charity work. If I need to be seen tomorrow, I will see Dr. Palladino's partner, Dr. McKee.

I think I tried to deny this and should not have. I have to learn to take these things more seriously. You'd think I would have learned by now. Anyway, I'm heading to bed to see if the treatment will help.

I'll update my blog tomorrow. Thanks.

Time to talk

As time has passed I have thought "I need to make post #100 something special." I had no idea what I meant, or what my intentions were. I just thought....wow...I have shared 99 blog entries and I guess I think #100 should be special.

The thing is....it is Sunday late afternoon and I feel completely empowered at this moment. I feel I have regained much needed control over my life. I grocery shop every week with my son; I sleep well every night; I cook now and I'm not just a microwave queen. I take all my vitamins and supplements everyday and drink tons of water. Things happen in their own time. For me...the time has come to take control. This is a great feeling. A little scary? Hell yeah. But exciting and empowering as well.

Last week I dealt with a little bit of "Poor Little Ol' Me" Syndrome and revisited thoughts that I was never going to find a special man to share my life with. But ya' know what? It doesn't matter. A relationship will not define me. In fact, if I do find someone to open my heart to ever again he will have to be both very special and very lucky. Actually...one relationship will define me...being a mom. And I'm very proud of that definition.

The past 8 months (wow - I was about to type 7 and realized it is already August) I have learned a lot. I have learned about myself, my family, my friends, my job, my faith...virtually every aspect of my life has been affected by my January diagnosis. And now....the prospect of "Survivor" brings on a whole new set of thoughts, feelings, hopes and expectations. Am I going to go jump out of a plane or repel a massive mountain? Hell no, I'm not crazy. But I guess I'm starting to realize that I've been given a second chance. I need to embrace that.

Recently I have seen people and they ask "How are you doing?" and I say "Great! I feel great!" and the response is always "You LOOK great!" -- how cool is that? Very, very cool. It's a happiness I can't hide and a smile I can't hold back. It is a fresh new beginning.

Thank you for reading. There is a wonderful feeling that comes over me when someone says "I read your blog" and then the phrase will continue with some sort of question or positive remark and I am validated. People care. How lucky are we that we have friends and family to look to...to depend upon in our times of need? But here's the thing --- remember that your family and friends are there in time of happiness too. That is what I need to work on now. I need to reach out in good times...and I will.

Doris

My bad....

sorry my update has been delayed. I think I've kinda'....started living again and I'm not letting this (the C word) consume me anymore.

Anyway, I met Dr. Ober on Wednesday and she was awesome!! I will go in on August 11th to have my ovaries and tubes removed. She was also able to coordinate with Dr. Marble so while I'm under anethesia Dr. Marble will remove this tissue expander and put in my implant.

After that somewhere down the road I'll need to schedule nipple reconstruction for the left breast and then....God willing....this will be behind me.

I want to ask that if you are reading my blog and keeping me in your prayers, please add Honey Cascio and her family and Patrick Larney and his family. Both are dealing with this cruel disease and they are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

That's it for now. Thanks for checking in.