I sit here crying right now. Tears pouring down my face. I can't stop them. Tomorrow the remainder of my hair will be shaved off. A large amount fell out tonight.
A lot of people...in their responses to me about my faith...have quoted verses, provided poems, sent beautiful pictures, and have provided me with a glimpse into their own faith as a way to help me to regain my own.
And so I ask you - How much can one person handle? If God is only giving me what I can handle....what is the limit? Where does it end? I can not believe that a mastectomy...a second surgery...chemo treatments....even the diagnosis itself have been EASIER then the emotional trauma of losing my hair. Becoming one of those people....a cancer patient. Sure, some of you may read this and think "Get over it Doris, it will grow back" and to you I say....walk in my shoes and then tell me your feelings. Until now the scars of surgery and reconstruction have been under clothing - the average person on the street would have no idea I was sick. But tomorrow is that pivotal day...when my physical appearance will announce to friends and strangers alike that I am a cancer patient and I think that right now I can say without reservation that I am pretty damned angry about that.
Tonight while reading to my son he touched my hair and several strands fell on to his pillow. I tried to clean it up and he stopped me and said "It's ok mommy, it's ok." Over the past two years I have worried about being strong for him and helping him through many transitions. In the end, I think he is the one who is going to help me. I can not imagine my life without him. He is teaching me so much about myself. And I couldn't be more proud.
Goodnight.
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