3 down and 1 to go.

Well, now I appreciate the VAD port...now that they can't use it!!! Don't get me wrong, having an I.V. isn't the end of the world, but using the port was much easier and less stressful for me. I hate needles. Yes, I have tattoos, but I hate needles going into my veins. It's gross.

Anyway, it went fine. Although I am now sporting a lovely silver medic alert bracelet. I did not know that for my lifetime I can not have blood pressure checks or needles in my left arm. The side I had the mastectomy on. So I'll get used to it - the bracelet that is.

Anyway....I'm pretty excited...I have the date of my 4th - MY LAST treatment!!! It is May 20th. And then.....I can start moving forward. Thirty days after the last treatment I can get the port removed and have the final reconstructive work done. I'll also start hormone therapy and...hmm....I think that's it. Oh - I'm having some serious pain in my left ribcage so I have to go see a Physical Therapist. They're not sure if a muscle is in spasm that was in an awkward position during the second surgery. It hurts like hell, I'll tell ya' that.

Ok, so Sunday morning (yes, total change of subject) my mom and I went out to breakfast at a restaurant that I still call "Ron's" because it has changed names so many times. Anyway, I love that place and had a great meal. When we were walking out of the restaurant, I got hit with another great memory......

When Patty and Shaun got married at the Governor's Inn, they stayed there on their wedding night and then all the Lachance's met at Ron's for breakfast the next morning. It was a warm morning and I think it had been raining a little bit. Anyway......we were all standing outside and a guy drove by with the "Macarena" song cranked in his car and we started doing some of the dance moves on the sidewalk. The wedding was a blast. Patty had just taught me how to do the Macarena a week or two before the wedding, and of course they played it at the wedding so we could all display our stellar moves!!!

Anyway, I digress. I love my Lachance family. Hugs to all of you.
Doris

Time.

Time is a fascinating thing. We either have too much of it, or not enough. We use it, we abuse it, we ignore it, and yet we want more of it.

It goes by too fast when we're on vacation...or enjoying a weekend away from work. It goes by too fast when we reflect back on our lives. It goes by before we are able to absorb that we have done something wrong and that we are unable to turn back....to correct or fix the damage.

It goes by too slowly when we are awaiting test results....or we are anticipating an exciting event...or when you're half way through chemo treatment and want it over so you can have a full head of hair again!!!

I need to learn to appreciate my time. Because time goes by quickly.

Doris

Takin' a ride...

..on an emotional rollercoaster today.

Anticipating Tuesday's treatment - #3.

Definitely affected by the crummy weather.

I'm doin' ok.

It was a very long week and I've been tired. I've been able to work, but that's about the extent of it. When I get home I take it easy and try to get to bed early. Appetite has been ok. I do feel thirsty often. Skin problems weren't nearly as bad this time around.

Third treatment is Tuesday. Tuesday night I'll take an Ambien and try to get a good nights sleep so that I can work on Wednesday. Now that I know how the steroids effect me, I can try to work around it and plan accordingly.

After Tuesday there will only be one treatment left. After the first treatment, when (at the time) I didn't know I was suffering from the flu, I remember saying to myself "I can't do this....I can't go through this 3 more times." Now I'm excited to finish the full course of treatment.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Not what I expected...

So I went to my Oncologist appointment which was at 1pm. I just got home a little while ago. Let me begin at the beginning.

During the start of my last chemo treatment the nurse got a very quick blood return and then it was gone. I got my treatment and then the next day had bruising that outlined the catheter straight up to my clavicle. The nurse and physician's assistant both checked it out the next day when I went in for my Neulasta shot and they just said to keep an eye on it and if it got worse to give them a call.

Anyway....today I go in for my follow up from last week's chemo and the nurse tried to draw blood using the VAD port instead of my vein in my arm. She couldn't get a blood return. So...they flushed the port and still could not get a blood return. I ended up having to get an x-ray with contrast to have the VAD port checked to make sure it was operating properly. The Radiologist came in and they injected the contrast and he read the x-rays. Basically, a 'fibroid sheath' has grown at the end of the catheter and it will allow fluid in, but will not allow blood to return. If this isn't making sense, I'll try to be clearer. Anyway....I went back to Dr. Hammond's office and they injected a fluid into the port that he referred to as "Drano" which was essentially to try to clear the blockage. Needless to say, it did not work. So the nurse flushed the port a second time and then they removed the access tube.

I just got off the phone with Tracy, Dr. Hammond's nurse. She said that Dr. Hammond will discontinue using the port for chemo. So for the next two chemo treatments and all the follow up blood draws they require, they will use my veins instead of the port.

The good news is my blood counts came back "perfect" (Dr. Hammond's word) and that is a great relief because as many of you know, if the blood counts aren't good, it will prolong chemo and God knows I am SO ready for it to be over!!!

I'm tired. When I get tired I get very emotional. So yeah..I'm emotional. I mean - I guess this is what I mean when I say I seem to take two steps forward and one step back. Anyway, I'm gonna' head to bed early. Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Sun and fun with my Son!!!!

Ok - my friend Lisa will tell you that what I am about to say is sooooooo not me!!!

I found myself this morning asking Jake over and over again "Wanna go to _____? Wanna' do _______?" and to everything I would ask he would say "Nah" and was perfectly happy laying on the floor surrounded by all of his art supplies and drawing pictures. Evidently he has learned about drawing "stink lines" when he draws pictures of 'smelly things' - he's such a knucklehead!!!

Anyway, I digress.

So, finally at 1:30 after numerous extravagent pencil drawings and too many episodes of Spongebob, I convinced him to get outside and play. So we went to his school and played on the swingset. Can I just tell you that other than sitting on a swing at that same playground last summer, I haven't swung on a swing since I was seeing Eric and we would walk down to the park by his parents house and just talk and swing in the middle of the night. That memory came back to me today. Sitting there with my son, swinging and giggling and hearing him say "Mommy this is the best day ever!!!" What more could you ask for? I'm not asking for a thing. All I need I have right here with me now. An incredible son, the love of family and friends, a steady job, a safe home and a dependable vehicle. I am blessed.

Today was the best day ever. I can't wait for tomorrow!

Sweet dreams,
Doris

My 64th post....

Good moring everyone. My son was wide awake and ready to go at 6:26 this morning. Now mind you, last night he announced "mommy I wanna' sleep all day tomorrow is that ok?" Oh well...I knew it was too good to be true!

Anyway....what to say.....what to say....I feel great. I have energy. Appetite is good. I am actually "eager" to do the next round of chemo...because then I'll only have ONE left!!! Dare I say it? Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeehaw!!!!

This weather has brought out the happy emotions and has the old endorphins going. Jake loves to be outside, so he already has a base tan started. I relax and enjoy the sunshine and he plays, and plays, and plays.

I guess that's it for today's entry. I hope everyone takes a few moments today to stop, look, listen and breathe in the clean fresh air. My dad always did that and I now know and appreciate those simple things. Probably because I have come to realize that such beauty was created by someone of my higher power then we.

Take care,
Doris

One more thing ---- I laughed so much at worked yesterday, I can't even tell you. I am blessed to have some phenomenal co-workers!!

Do I have the words?

Today was a phenomenal day. It's not over yet. But I have to share....I received so many Birthday wishes...I am so blessed with family, friends, co-workers who are really friends...(if that makes sense lol) and I can't even say how many cards, ecards, phone messages and emails I received today!!!! I do have the words - today makes up for the previous 3 days of illness and side effects!!!

The people in my life - the love I have for them and them for me - will make the good days even that much better. I have tears in my eyes right now and for once it's because of utter happiness!!!!

Thank you all - for everything. You made my day wonderful!

Love, Doris

Losing days...

I'm feeling alot of resentment today - although I was able to work Friday, I have spent the last 3 days in bed - days I can't get back - lost days. Chemo is a double edged sword...it's going to help me in the long run...but I hate the way it has effected me in the short term.

Tomorrow I turn 41...when is life going to get easier?, and how can I improve it?

Thanks for looking in on me.
Doris

A request...

To all who read this...I know that as time has passed and I made it through the surgeries and now am hopefully on the last leg of this journey that the sentiments drop off. I don't mean that in a nasty way. What I mean is...people see that I'm doing well and that when chemo is over I will have hopefully won this battle. So...the well wishes and the cards and the emails, etc., have slowed considerably.

My request is this...please, please, please keep the prayers coming. A very small number of people at work saw me on Friday and knew I was not well. I'm sitting here right now not knowing which "c" word is worse; Cancer or Chemo. What I am holding on to right now is that I'm going to feel better in a few days. I am thankful that my son is with his dad this weekend because I would not be a very fun mommy right now. So in a way I'm feeling guilt for spending nearly this whole day in bed. But I have to. I have to use my energy to get things done when I have that energy and I need to rest when I am run down.

Yeah, I'm rambling. I'm tired and the headache continues to be relentless. I'm hoping that tomorrow is a better day. I'd like to get some fresh air and just simply get out of the apartment for a little while.

Ok, I'm going to get ready for bed. Thanks for listening.
Doris

I can't lie...

...I feel like hell. Yesterday was horrible. I worked and just wanted to be home in bed. I left as soon as I could, came home and have been in bed since. The worst is the headache. I can't get rid of it and it is so intense that it causes me to lose concentration and focus.

I was supposed to go out last night with some friends and was so excited, but had to cancel. I'm turning 41 in a few days...

Ok I'm heading back to bed. Thanks for checking in and I'm sorry I'm not up beat, but chemo sucks. This too shall pass.

Doris

Consistencies thus far...

Let's see....the steroid shot they give me at the infusion area after chemo makes me 'wired' and I can't sleep the night of treatment which results in needing to catch up on sleep the next morning. Plus, I have a migraine. And third....are you ready????...hiccups. Short bouts of hiccups several times a day after the Neulasta shot.

So today when I got to the Oncology department for my Neulasta shot, I was told I was kinda' early...like an hour. So I hung out in the waiting area and read the newspapers and 3 magazines.

I got to chat with some of the other regulars. It was nice. People are very kind and outgoing or they are very quiet. I did not feel weird or out of place or uncomfortable at all.

Oh yeah - this morning when I got up I had to get some groceries and I was one of three women who were bald and wearing headscarves. Bald women unite!!

Thanks for checking in,
Doris

2 down...2 to go...

What more can I say? I got there, they did the normal bloodwork and then I met with a Physician's Assistant to go over side effects, etc. Then I went to the Infusion area and they started the process. They gave me Atavan again and yes, I slept through the whole thing. They had to wake me up when it was all done. lol

So I'm home safe and sound.

Not such an exciting blog.....oh....I did get to watch the Sox get their rings today!! Wahoooooo!!!

Doris

Today was good...

...I mean...it really was good. I had an interesting realization today. Most of you know that I work at a high school. Well, I actually found myself avoiding the students today. I was ok with my co-workers, but avoided the kids. I think I need to just sit back and reflect on that fact.

As far as my co-workers go...what can I say? Total support. Kindness. Gentleness. One co-worker even walked in and she said "Hi beautiful!" and that was just the coolest thing.

Today was also bizarre. An ex-boyfriend of mine from the early 90's was in the building doing some work....I never did an about face and ran the other way so fast in my life. Wierd.

My mom and I went out for dinner tonight. I'm working 1/2 a day tomorrow and then Tommie is taking me to Exeter Hospital for my second chemo treatment. I'm more anxious just to get this over with then anything. I'm not really nervous now, because I've been through it. And when I leave the hospital tomorrow I will be halfway through treatment. Damn...that feels good.

Goodnight,
Doris

There's this quote from the movie Terms of Endearment...

...where Debra Winger tells her friend that compared to the girls they just had lunch with, her cancer "ain't so tragic."

Well...having a bald head....ain't so tragic. I shed a couple quick tears and was done. I even put on my wig and went out to Walmart with Jake, Laura and Samantha. And this evening with a headscarf on I went outside to play with Jake for about 40 minutes and we had so much fun!!!

Everything in life (good or bad or indifferent) just takes a little getting used to.

Goodnight.
Doris

What I learned from a cartoon.

While picking up around the apartment this morning and Jake was enjoying a bizarre cartoon called "Viva Pinata" I heard something that made me stop and think and breathe a little easier.

Whatever they were discussing, the fact of the matter was that the problem lay in how one character was REACTING to their situation, and NOT the situation itself. Pretty deep for a bunch of computer generated Pinata's that have wacky adventures - lol.

My friend Lisa would say that is a perfect example of allowing myself to be a slave to the devil.

So if I look at this from the perspective that it is a stage, that it will pass, that the hair will return, that the cancer will be gone, that my life will begin anew, and I hold my head up high (I'm not much of a wallflower anyway) then I will get through this a bit easier.

Anyway, I've got piles of hair in the trash and in the shower this morning. Laura will be over in a couple hours to shave my head. I'll have pictures, but not sure how much I'll want to share, so "bare" with me!!!! AHHHHHH!!!! Oh boy...I'd better not quit my day job.

Enjoy your day. It is Saturday. Spend time with those you love. Appreciate what you have.

Doris

How much CAN one person handle?

I sit here crying right now. Tears pouring down my face. I can't stop them. Tomorrow the remainder of my hair will be shaved off. A large amount fell out tonight.

A lot of people...in their responses to me about my faith...have quoted verses, provided poems, sent beautiful pictures, and have provided me with a glimpse into their own faith as a way to help me to regain my own.

And so I ask you - How much can one person handle? If God is only giving me what I can handle....what is the limit? Where does it end? I can not believe that a mastectomy...a second surgery...chemo treatments....even the diagnosis itself have been EASIER then the emotional trauma of losing my hair. Becoming one of those people....a cancer patient. Sure, some of you may read this and think "Get over it Doris, it will grow back" and to you I say....walk in my shoes and then tell me your feelings. Until now the scars of surgery and reconstruction have been under clothing - the average person on the street would have no idea I was sick. But tomorrow is that pivotal day...when my physical appearance will announce to friends and strangers alike that I am a cancer patient and I think that right now I can say without reservation that I am pretty damned angry about that.

Tonight while reading to my son he touched my hair and several strands fell on to his pillow. I tried to clean it up and he stopped me and said "It's ok mommy, it's ok." Over the past two years I have worried about being strong for him and helping him through many transitions. In the end, I think he is the one who is going to help me. I can not imagine my life without him. He is teaching me so much about myself. And I couldn't be more proud.

Goodnight.

Holding out for a couple more days.

Ok, so tonight when I picked up Jake at my mom's we were talking and I ran my fingers through my hair and a pile of hair came out. I'm not sure who was more shocked....Jake, my mom, or me. Tonight it is on my clothes and on my recliner and it's just yucky. So on Saturday my sister Laura is going to shave my head for me and I asked my niece Samantha to take some pictures. It's going to be traumatic, but I'll do my best to stay strong. Jake says he will give Laura suggestions of how to cut my hair "so it doesn't hurt around your ears."

I think this is a good time to do it, as I will have Jake for the weekend and he will see it happening instead of seeing me one day with hair and then returning home days later to see me bald. This way he can be as involved as he wants, or does not want to be.

I guess that's it for now. Can't remember if I already shared this, but my next chemo treatment is April 8th. The good thing is that I can work for 5 hours and then head to the hospital for the afternoon. The less my work is effected by all of this, the happier I will be.

My girls at work are still wearing their sunflower pins.....I don't say anything when I see them, but just the sight of them gives me a feeling of getting hugged. It's the best. I count all of them as individual blessings.

I am still getting incredible input regarding my faith questions. I continue to absorb the information and will share some of what I have received soon.

My co-worker Pat and her husband Ed received wonderful news yesterday regarding Ed's health. And when we both shared our good news from yesterday, Pat exclaimed "Praise God!" and ya know what? Yeah........Praise God!!!

Goodnight,
Doris

My day -

I saw Dr. Hammond, my Oncologist this afternoon. First they drew 2 tubes of blood. Then I went back to the waiting room until they called me in to see him. They asked me questions about any side effects or complications. The Doctor did an exam and and told me that my platelets and white blood cell count are great. He said my body is tolerating 'this stuff' (chemo) very, very well. He asked me if my scalp was itchy and I said "It's not itchy, but my hair folicles actually hurt." And he said "That's a prelude to hair loss." Yay. Not. He did have an interesting story for me, which ended with the lesson that when the hair starts to fall out, I should shave it all off and it will grow back faster. I'll trust his logic. The story was funny.

From there, I stopped at home long enough to check email and phone messages only to discover that all my service had been shut off. Haven't had to deal with something like that since I was.....hmm.....22? Anyway, I was able to get the service restored.

Next I went to Hair Everywhere and Tina and Lynn critiqued my wig (they were too kind!!!) and Tina trimmed it up so I'll look like "me" in it. I can admit that I was able to make it to my truck before I completely broke down crying. That was harsh reality -- sitting in a chair at a hair salon with other customers around, while wearing the wig, and acting like it was 'all good' when it was breaking my heart to even look at myself in the mirror. Oh - and an editor's note here -- I am NOT looking for sympathy --- I just need to express my feelings.

Anyway, I'm over it now. That was sooooooo 3 hours ago!!! ;-)

I'm going to bed early as I'm really tired tonight. I have a headache from not eating all day. This is the second day in a row where I did not eat until I got home from work and that is NOT working well for me. Plus dealing with Metrocast to get my service back was the icing on the cake.

Ok...I think that's it for now. I want to thank those who sent me emails after reading my last entry. Your words are being read, absorbed, and thought through very carefully.

Goodnight,
Doris