Sunday, November 30, 2008

Wow.

I just went back and read my January 2008 entries and started to read the February entries but had to stop. Tears filled my eyes and I am overcome with...a feeling of relief for getting through it and a feeling of fear for my dear friend Charlotte who is just beginning this journey.

Wow.

Charlotte - you're going to be a proud survivor and we will walk together next year. It's ok to be scared. It's ok to be mad. It's ok to feel feelings. Remember you're never ever alone. None of us are.

Doris

Long time, no blog.

Sorry for the 'down time.' I've been busy taking advantage of Jake's visit with Dan and getting some Christmas shopping taken care of.

Thanksgiving was really good. I went to my mom's and most of my family was there. The food was yummy and the conversation was good until Obama's name came up and then I suddenly needed to leave....lol

Anyway, I'm doing pretty well. My friend Kim told me a few months ago that I am way too hard on myself and I think she's right. Over these four days I had grand plans in my head to finish my decluttering project. That didn't happen. Instead, it ended up being a pretty busy 4 days. So instead of sitting here and giving myself a hard time for what I didn't get done, I'm going to praise myself for what I did get done:
1. Attended the concert of the Transiberian Orchestra on Wednesday afternoon (this was my sister Janet's Christmas gift to me);
2. Made 2 pies for Turkey Day;
3. Spent Turkey Day at my mom's with the family;
4. Friday....kind of a blur....I think I was in turkey coma but I did empty more then 1/2 of my clothes closet of stuff that is too big for me - I packed 12 garbage bags full of clothes and shoes;
5. Saturday my mom and I ran some errands which included donating all the clothes to CERV in Somersworth, going to lunch and then heading to the Stratham SPCA where my mom fell in love and adopted a beautiful house cat named Beatrice;
6. Sunday my mom and I ran a couple more errands and now I'm watching a sketchy Patriots game!!!

The side effects from the Arimidex continue. Improved? Yes, maybe a bit. The joint pain is not constant anymore. It comes and goes. The lethargy comes and goes. I either have a ton of energy or I feel like napping. But I haven't napped - I've just been going to bed very early!!!

I need to have someone help me with my taxes this year --- if you know of anyone, please email me the info. I think I got pretty screwed last year due to lack of knowledge and want to make sure I'm on track this time.

Jake ended up with an ear infection - poor little booger. But he responded quickly to the meds and got lots of sleep which helped.

I think that's about it. I know I have mentioned in the past that I don't look back at my blog entries, so I don't know if I have already mentioned this (and yes, my memory since chemo does kind of suck), but I'm not spending any time with my old friend "Joey" anymore. I think that somewhere along the line I FINALLY realized that we CHOOSE our friends. And when those relationships become stressful or toxic, it is best to cut the ties. I am not the same person I was 15 years ago. I am not the same person I was 5 years ago. I am not even the same person I was last January when I was diagnosed. Different things are important now that never used to be and vice-versa. "Catastrophic" has a whole new meaning to me and it no longer revolves around breaking a nail. And happiness over the simple things in life....that's what is truly important.

Please keep a few people in your prayers if you could: Pat and Ed Kelvington, Charlotte Mason and her family, Honey Cascio and her family. We all have battles - we all handle them differently - but we all look to a Higher Power for strength.

Thanks so much for checking in.
Doris

Sunday, November 23, 2008

Growing old sucks....

...ok....not me, I' mean...I'm on 41. lol

I'm watching the poor guys from "New Kids on the Block" trying to act like they are still teenagers and it's just sad.

Anyway, nothing really new to report today. Sunday nights are always a little rough - Jake has a hard time getting to sleep. He has another head cold. It's just crazy - seems like he no sooner gets rid of one and he gets hit with another.

The weekend was good. I am heading to bed early.

Think about what your thankful for; count your blessings. I am thankful for all of you.

Doris

Saturday, November 22, 2008

A little story..

...Ok so...I've been honest to date and that won't stop. When I was at Dr. Palladino's yesterday, she asked me how I felt about my results from the surgery and I told her "The left one is bigger then the right, but we have a plan" at which point she started laughing and said "Who?" I explained to her that I had met with Dr. Marble and that we decided that after I reach my weight loss goals, I would go in and have the current implant replaced with a smaller one and have some scar correction work done at the same time and along with that Dr. Marble will construct a nipple.

Well...Dr. Palladino told me she wanted to show me a picture and that the picture may cause me to change my mind about the nipple reconstruction. IT DID.

Imagine this - she hands me a photo of one of her patients who had the same procedures that I did. Instead of a new nipple she got a tattoo that covers the incision line across her breast. A really colorful floral design. The patient is over 70 years old. So I am very seriously considering that 'choice' and it will be just as unique and meaningful as my current tattoos. Very cool. I had been considering a tattoo to commemorate my fight and I think this is just the thing.

With that said....I just rejoined Weight Watchers online. I've screwed around long enough and I have regained about 5 pounds. No biggy - I'm going to get back on track and continue to drop this weight. Life is about choices. The right choices make us happier and healthier and improve our quality of life.

I think that's it for now.

What a freeeeeeeeeeeeeeezing cold day!!!

Doris

Friday, November 21, 2008

Today

I saw Dr. Palladino today. It was so nice to see her - she is so cool. I mean, how many doctors give you a hug because they are happy to see you??? So the exam went well and she was really pleased with the results. She checked my left arm for swelling and told me about a new machine they are getting at the hospital which uses electrodes to detect swelling (lyphedema). When it is delivered she is going to call and have me come in so we can check the arm to be sure.

I am scheduled for another mammogram on January 7th. How bizarre is it that that is the same date, one year ago, that Amy Coombs found the lump that started all of this???? Anyway, then I see Dr. Palladino on January 14th to review the mammogram.

It's odd, but remember the feelings of dread that I had several months ago about the cancer recurring? Well....now I'm like "bring it on - I'm a survivor!"

Tonight I feel rejuvenated. Jake and played some games and did several loads of laundry. I've washed dishes and now I'm thinking of heading to bed. He had a bad night and awoke this morning with a bad headache. We stayed home for a couple of hours and then he asked me to drive him to school. He made it through the day, so I'm hoping whatever was bothering him has passed.

I think that's about it for now.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Thursday, November 20, 2008

Today is Thursday...

...tomorrow is Friday. Brilliant deduction huh?

Anyway....today was a good day at work.

Jake is healthy and happy.

My joint pain is very very manageable. Migraines are coming and going but I'm managing.

Tomorrow I get to see Dr. Palladino. (Isn't that funny? I said "get to" as if it's a privilege) Anyway, Dr. Palladino is the surgeon who performed my mastectomy and then my follow up surgery to remove the lymph nodes under my left arm.

Dr. Palladino.....well...she totally rocks. She is kind. She is caring. She is genuine. In a word - amazing. So I truly look forward to seeing her tomorrow. Getting an exam, and touching base on my life since I last saw her. I will write over the weekend about the outcome. It will all be positive I'm sure.

A few of you were concerned over some recent blogs and for that I am sorry. But I appreciate you all so very much. Your emails of concern and blog comments helped me to get my perspective back. I will continue to blog and I will continue to remember who my very dear friends are.

Life is what you make it. You can only play the "victim card" for so long. I'm tired of playing cards....maybe it's time for some Monopoly.......

Also - if you or someone you know has been the victim of sexual assault, please call 1-800-277-5570 to get in contact with a local crisis center. You need not be in crisis to call. It could change your life.

Love, Doris

Monday, November 17, 2008

Part II

Ya know what? I'm not doing "great" today. I have not been doing "great" for a couple weeks. The joint pain I am experiencing - which I am assuming is from the Arimidex - is so painful. Not just an ache. It is enough at times to bring tears to my eyes. When I sit for long periods of time at work, it is difficult to stand up and walk. This morning I woke with swollen fingers. The swelling did not subside until mid afternoon. The daily migraines have slowed a little bit. Not as severe, so that is a good thing.

It is hard to keep a positive attitude when you feel like crap physically.

Ok, so that's the whole truth.

Thanks again,
Doris

How much longer will I blog?

I have been thinking about stopping this. I think that a part of me is worried that I am leaving myself open to get hurt. Maybe that sounds weird. Sometimes I put myself out there and maybe I worry that I am making myself vulnerable. Hmmmm no..not making myself vulnerable -- I am exposing my vulnerability.

A couple thoughts have come to mind today.
1. Pick your battles;
2. Take control of things before they take control of you;
3. Don't let the turkeys get you down --- they eventually will be someone's holiday dinner;
4. Be true to yourself.
5. You can't control anothers' actions, you can only control your response to those actions.

I do feel I've grown tremendously since my diagnosis in January, but even since my divorce. I truly am a work in progress. Sometimes I am simply too hard on myself and instead of criticizing myself, I need to establish a true "To Do" list. Not a one-time list where I cross off the items and that's it. I mean a life-long to do list. Always improving. Always growing. Because giving up and falling into a slump and an unhealthy routine are what brought me to where I am now. And if you ask "How's that working for you Doris?" Well...I think the answer is quite clear.

Sorry if I'm gloomy tonight. Sometimes I am overcome with emotion. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. I can not blog about my repressed memories until I have worked through some more stuff first. But I am hopeful that I can work through this and come out stronger, as with all other challenges that have I have come up against.

Doris

Sunday, November 16, 2008

Here comes the sun....

...thank God. As I sit here with my feet up and my laptop on my lap (guess that's where they got the name...eh hem...) the sun is popping through the clouds and shining over my shoulder. This is a gift. A blessing.

I started the unthinkable yesterday. I like to call it the "De-Clutter D-Rock's Life" Project. I started with the kitchen. Yesterday I brought 9 large trash bags full of junk to the dumpster. I AM NOT DONE WITH THE KITCHEN!!!! But what I've done so far has been a fun project and I feel like I'm on the right track. It is a cleansing experience --- both literally and figuratively speaking. So this morning I want to complete the kitchen and then get the bathroom done.

About the "D-Rock" thing.....a co-worker of mine at SIGARMS started calling me that. He is the only person who ever referred to me as "D-Rocka" and for me it always stuck. Now I thinking of it as a motto -- trying to be tough...strong like a rock. Develope strength and stability. Not only for me, but for my family and friends and way-cool son who depends upon me.

Anyway, I think that's about it for now. I met mom for breakfast this morning and boy am I exhausted!!! Hmmm maybe a nap before I get back to cleaning.....oh I'm just kidding Cindi!!!

Love, Doris

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

Oprah...

....I will be the first to admit I am not a big fan. Maybe it's because she's a tree-hugging Democrat and I am a Proud Conservative Republican. Maybe it's because people in her midst treat her as though she has God-like powers. Ever watch the crowd at the beginning of a show? Some of them shake and tremble and cry....as though the Beatles just walked in. Ok, I don't get the Beatles thing either so what can I compare all of this to? Ohhhh yes........they behave the way I would if Steven Tyler walked in the room --- ok, 'nuf said.

ANYWAY - my point being (yeah I know you thought I lost track) is that I don't plan my days around the Oprah Winfrey show. I only watch it intentionally if someone I really like or respect or want to learn more about is on the show. What happened today? None of that. Today was just me flipping through the channels and discovering a guy with basic knowledge, intelligence and organizational skills showing people how to 'unclutter' their homes. Well, wouldn't you know it....it was Oprah! (The show, not the guy. The guy was her guest. Have I lost you yet Cindi? ;-)

And he made uncluttering look so easy and so logical that I have to admit that it motivated me. This weekend I WILL begin to de-clutter. I WILL throw away; I WILL donate; I WILL sell and I WILL get past this stage in my life of feeling stuck in the mud!!!

Anyway, her site is http://www.oprah.com/ and there is a link to the guidelines right on her home page.

The thing about Oprah.....well.....she is living breathing proof that all the money in the world can not make you rich....thin....or happy. So maybe she's just human.

Isn't it fascinating how 11 months ago I was deluged by fear....focused on facing the "C" word...cancer, and now today I'm focusing on the "U" word.....Unclutter that is.

Life moves fast. What is important today may not be so important tomorrow. What was life-changing as a child may not be identified until adulthood. What is valuable to one, may be meaningless to another. I know I started this blog 11 months ago to have an outlet during my diagnosis and now it has turned into philosophical ramblings. I still love to hear "I read your blog" followed by "How are you feeling?" I'm glad that I have a handful of people who still check it to see what's going on in my pea-brain :-)

Anyway, I guess that's it for now. Jake fell asleep early and I think I'm going to head to bed early as well.

I hope that who ever you are that when you read my words that I make you smile, or cry, or appreciate, or just plain think. I hope that whoever you are....that my words make you feel something. That is the greatest gift I could hope for.

Good night.
Doris

Sunday, November 9, 2008

Relationships

That's what I am learning about. Relationships. Family...friends...co-workers...landlords...doctors...neighbors...even someone you have very little contact with is still a relationship of sorts. The thing is....I got focused on the bad relationships and let that suck the life out of me. The good relationships - the people that you know would be there for you and support you unconditionally - those are the relationships to focus on. Focus on the good stuff in life and the bad, negative or just plain crappy stuff just sort of disolves and disappears. Giving your energy to the wrong things is physically and mentally exhausting and at the end of the day it gets you nowhere.

A week and a half ago I began having some body aches. And then last Saturday I officially started my Arimidex. A side effect of Arimidex is joint pain. When I am under a great deal of stress my neck and shoulders become tight and extremely sore. I went to the chiropractor twice this week and I'm wearing a lovely menthol scented "Biofreeze" on my neck and shoulders. Now if that doesn't get me a man...nothing will!! Just kidding!!! Hopefully as I go through more self-discovery the stress will leave my body. See....focusing on the wrong things is what brings me down...makes me feel old and unimportant. When I know that's not really the case.

I have a lot of work ahead of me. As I mentioned above - self-discovery. Determining what brought Doris to where she is at this time in her life. What happened in my past that I need to identify and work through and eventually accept and get past. I need to identify the healthy relationships and let go of the negative ones. I need to accept that I do not have to like everyone in this world that I encounter, nor does everyone have to like me. Wow - that was a big statement for me. I used to actually care about what complete strangers thought of me --- what point is there in that???!!!

So if you can't tell, my meeting this week with Dr. Stenslie was an eye opener! lol

I have had Jacob with me for 12 days while Dan and Jenn were on their honeymoon. THIS KID IS AMAZING!!!!! Every day he makes me laugh and makes me realize how blessed I am. I will be lost tomorrow when he's gone to see his dad and new stepmom!!

When you're having a bad day remember to count your blessings. Be happy for what you have - not what you don't have.

A note to my dear friend Charlotte Mason -- You may not be at work physically, but you are in my heart and thoughts always. You are a fighter. I love you!!!

Doris

Sunday, November 2, 2008

Celebration Dolls - Very Cool!

http://www.arimidex.com/celebration/

My new meds

Here is a link to the new meds I (finally) started. Yes, I did put it off for longer then I should have. Dr. Hammond wanted me on it after Labor Day weekend. Anyway, I started yesterday. At 1 a.m. this morning I was suffering a splitting headache. Then it grew to a migraine. At 8 I had to call my mom and have her come over and hang out with Jake so that I could take my migraine meds and go back to bed with an ice pack on my head. By noon I was ok. No idea if there is any correlation - Just needed to vent. lol

http://www.arimidex.com/arimidex-about/side-effects.aspx

Saturday, November 1, 2008

Back again :-)

Ya know what? Time really DOES heal wounds.

I keep catching myself smiling today. It's pretty cool.

Doris

Bragging rights...

Last night Jake and I met some friends at the Barrington Recreation's "Trunk or Treat" event. This was a simple event, and yet was so much fun. Jake had a good time and we walked around and checked out all the decorated trunks and got candy. Jake would say "thank you" to each person who put candy in his bag. One guy said "For saying thank you, you can take another piece!"

I read a phrase this morning that said we should appreciate the small, simple things in life because when we reflect back on those moments, we will realize they were the big things. And I think that is what I mean about last night -- it was really simple and we were there for only about a half an hour, but it was quality time and we have a new memory.

Among the list of good things that came from my relationship with Dan, are the friends I made and have retained after the divorce. There was no 'choosing of sides' and we have plenty of other things in this world to talk about! So I just want to say thanks to Trish and Larry, Caleb, Zach and Nathan for meeting us last night. I know that it has been hard for people to get me to come out of my apartment and actually function as a normal adult, and I thank Trish for never giving up on me. I look forward to getting to know each other better.

That's it for now. I can say that again this has been a week of learning about myself and those around me. I continue in my preparation for greatness!

Doris