Today

Well...I'm learning a lot about me. Maybe I was in denial or maybe I just didn't know the real me. I'm finally getting to know the real me and it's pretty cool.

I saw Dr. Marble and Sue LaFlamme today. Essentially I had scheduled the appointment because...well....the right breast is smaller than the left.

So what did I learn today? I learned that I like to have things planned - I prefer to have a goal or a end in sight.

Today I had to be weighed at the office and I was pleased when Sue told me I've dropped about 20 lbs since I first met her in January.

When Dr. Marble walked in she said "Doris why are you losing all this weight?" and I looked at her and said "Because I'm fat?!"

So the plan is this ---- hit my weight goal and THEN I will go in for outpatient procedure to have the left breast implant reduced. The thing is --- as I'm dropping weight, the right one - the real one - is getting a little bit smaller. The left one is an implant and therefore other then some minor fatty tissue reduction, that breast will stay the same size. Am I making sense? lol -- they called it some sort of procedure (scar something??) but right now that term escapes me.

So having a plan is good. It's a goal to work toward. Having goals and and focus...it's a good thing. I feel good about it.

Jake has a wicked head cold. Seems like everyone either has a cold or flu-type thing going on right now. It's that time of year I guess. I'm mega dosing on Vitamin C and Airborne to try to avoid the same illnesses!!

So (yes, I'm jumping all over the place today) I had a saying that came to me 2 years ago --- "Doris - prepare for greatness!" And frankly, at the time I had NO IDEA what that meant. But I have kept it in the back of my mind all this time. Anyway.....with each step of the way I'm learning more about myself and I think I'm heading toward that greatness.

Pat Larney was laid to rest yesterday. I attended his wake on Tuesday. It helped to give me some closure. I will miss him. I do miss him. I'm not ready to even go downstairs to the kitchen at the school yet. I will feel his absence and I'm not ready for it.

I'm seeing my Psychologist today. With the things that have come to the surface as of late, I thought it was time to work through some of this stuff.

I guess that's it for now. I want to thank Sue and Dr. Marble - they are the best and they always make me feel at ease!!

Doris

A beautiful fall day....

My friend Cindi will be quick to remind me that Fall does not officially start until Monday, but this beautiful weather and the already changing colors of the trees gives me a great sense of peace and calm.

Fall was my dad's favorite season. As I have 'matured'....I too have learned to appreciate it's beauty. The sights...the sounds....the smells.

The sights: The beautiful trees
The sounds: Geese flying in a V formation heading south
The smells: Fried dough at the fair!!!

So I'm going to continue to blog. I may start one under a different title, but I am going to continue to write. I am so pleased to announce (insert horns here) that I have lost a total of 12.2lbs. I am on my way to my first 15 and I'm very excited. I am also relieved because I have not followed the Weight Watchers program since my last procedure which was August 11th. So, this is just more incentive to get on track again and move forward!

So...I know I have reached out to my blog readers with questions in the past. Your replies have brought me opposite ways of thinking, opened my eyes, and at times absolutely confirmed my own feelings.

Todays topic is one that I hope you can provide your feedback on. And, if you would rather email me then post to my blog, my email is dorislachance@metrocast.net.

Q: CAN MEN AND WOMEN TRULY BE 'JUST FRIENDS'? IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX WHO YOU ARE NOT SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO?

Thanks for checking in.

ENJOY THE SEASON!!!!

Today. Just for today.

My friend Steve says that I need to focus my energies on what I DO have instead of feeling bad about what I do NOT have. He is right.

My friend Cindi tells me I need to think positively. She is right.

My scale says I need to get off my lazy ass and start following Weight Watchers again and get to my goal. It's right too.

ME --- I need to regain the focus on me. Remind myself that I am someone's friend, co-worker, daughter, sister, mother....aunt. People value me and I value them.

Gotta regroup. Gotta get the focus back. It'll happen.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Sadness and fear.

Today my co-worker Pat Larney passed away.

A few entries back I had asked for your prayers for he and his family.

Now I ask that you continue those prayers for his soul to be at peace and for strength for his family and the many, many people who called him friend.

Pat was a good man. He supported me during my diagnosis and treatment. He would refer to me in emails as "Kiddo" and sent me inspirational messages on occasion to brighten my day.

My first interaction with Pat was when I first started getting school lunch with my friend Sue. I would send Pat emails raving about the kitchen's pasta salad. After that it became visits in the early morning to grab a cup of coffee.

Pat always asked how I was holding up and we would compare chemo experiences and it fostered a feeling of "you're not in this alone."

I feel tremendous loss. I sit here tonight having a difficult time remembering my last interaction with him, because he did not come in to the school over the summer. I did not get to tell him I am a Survivor. He did not get to see my new hair.

His wife has lost her husband. His children have lost their dad. His friends have lost an incredible friend. His co-workers have lost a leader. I think life is damned short. If you die at 5 or 105. It's too short.

Treat each day as if it were your last. If you love someone, tell them. If you have regrets, repair them. If you have anger and resentment....forgive.

Rest In Peace Pat.

Doris

Quick update

All is well on my end. I am dealing with headaches, migraines and serious funk-depression but for the most part I'm keeping things in perspective.

I have to send in my prescription for Arimidex (sp?) which I have to start taking. I will be on that for 5 years. I was suppose to start it after Labor Day weekend.

I guess it has a common side effect of causing ovarian cancer, but since my ovaries were removed....that's a non-issue.

That's it for now. I'm soooo tired.

Thanks for checking in.

Doris

Update

As of this morning I have lost 11.6lbs.
The weight loss is going slower then I would prefer, but I need to work a bit harder with the Weight Watchers program and I need to get my body moving. Still haven't started any walking or exercise routine.

I'm bummed out. This is pretty personal, but I figure that if you're reading this you already know quite a bit of what I've been through. Well, tonight when I changed into my jammies...I looked down at my cleavage. The real one 'sits' differently then the silicone one. The silicone one also looks larger. Dr. Marble says it is still swollen and will be for awhile. I hope that is the case and soon they will....well...match.

I've come so far. I've been through so much. I can handle this. It does not make me less of a mom, friend, employee, co-worker...aunt....anything. I'm still me.

There is a major undertaking on t.v. tonight. The "Stand Up to Cancer" program. Ya know what? I can't watch it. I watched about 5 minutes of it and they were profiling a young girl who is fighting the fight. I can't with good conscience watch any story where someone is personally suffering. And this little girl...and her parents....they are fighting, but they are suffering. Had to change the channel. Don't know if this is denial or what. I can sit here right now at this very moment even after typing about my cleavage and say to myself "Did I REALLY get diagnosed with breast cancer?????!!!!" "Did I REALLY have 3 surgeries???!!!!" "Did I REALLY become a survivor last month??!!" It just seems so bizarre.

I'm heading to bed. I'm on my way to the first 15lbs of weight loss. I'm pretty psyched!

Doris

p.s.

One other thing Cindi and I discussed tonight...I've gotta let go of the past and I can't compare myself to other people. I have to keep that statement a little vague, but I know Shaun will understand it.

Again, my thanks.
Doris

Thank you for the pep-talk Cindi!!!

It's Monday night - Labor Day holiday - and I have a pounding headache and I've been crying a lot.

I just got off the phone with Cindi. I also spoke with my friend Kim this afternoon and my friend Tony this morning.

Here's the guidelines as set forth by this group of wise individuals:

1. Think positively;
2. Keep busy;
3. When Jake is with his dad, I need to focus on ME;
4. I need to reach out to friends - phone calls, visits, etc.;
5. I've faced the past 8 months with great strength and it is now time to move forward and live my life to its fullest and breathe, take baby steps and work to improve my quality of life.

Hey Cindi --- did I miss anything??? :-)

I called my therapist this afternoon and left a message --- think I need to get in to see him.

I had Breast Cancer. Breast Cancer did NOT have me. And if I can face that with the backing of family and friends, then I can face anything. Whatever this is that I am dealing with --- depression, anxiety, hormone-related sensitivity ---- whatever this is.....I'm going to kick its ass. Because my son, my friends and my family believe in me and I REALLY need to start believing in myself.

Thank you all for your love and support.
Doris