Yucky

That's how I'm feeling. Must have a touch of a stomach flu or something.

My mom is doing great. She is going to physical therapy and she's moving around very well. Hopefully the splints will come off the ankle and wrist soon so she can drive.

Wednesday I see Dr. Ober, the gynecologist. I am hoping that on that day when I leave I'll have the removal of my ovaries all scheduled and I can move on from there.

There is a word that I have hesitated to use...until this weekend. The word "survivor." I have wondered what constitutes a cancer survivor. I mean...my mom is one. But I guess I'm not sure at what point I become one. Is it after the surgeries? Is it after treatments? Is there a specific day, date and time where you officially become a "survivor"? All I know is that this weekend I recognized myself as being a survivor. I think it's a title that you earn....when you win the fight. Right now I feel I have won the fight. Will it ever come back? I don't know...but for now...at this moment...I am a breast cancer survivor.

Doris

Sorry haven't written....

...time gets away from me it seems.

Last week I had to see Dr. Marble to have a cyst removed from the incision line on my right side. It was extremely, extremely, extremely painful. She cultured it for MRSA but no results yet.

Tomorrow will be a full week of not wearing headscarves. My hair is coming in nicely and I feel empowered. I feel like....if someone stares...it's ok...maybe seeing me will make someone schedule a physical..or a mammogram or whatever else they need.

My mom took a nasty fall on Saturday morning when we were out and it's bothering me a lot. No broken bones, but still. It was scary for both of us.

That's it for now.
Doris

Checking in....

....being a parent is a fascinating and amazing experience. My son continually proves this to me. We have had a great weekend and tomorrow he gets to go to his cousin's birthday party with his father's family. I am so thankful to have this little guy in my life.

I am feeling better...happier....stronger...healthier...every day. My energy is increasing...my quality of sleep (withOUT meds) has been awesome.....and my frame of mind is..optimistic. I feel great.

I have lost about 7lbs already on Weight Watchers. Eating better food...drinking plenty of fluids..it's amazing (yes, one of my new and favorite words) how some simple changes can improve your quality of life.

I meet with Dr. Ober on July 30th. She is a gynecologist/surgeon at Exeter Hospital. Next step from there will be out patient surgery.

Ok, that's it for now.

Pretty good news...

Ok, here's the latest:

Dr. Hammond said my blood counts, platelets, etc., etc., are "just georgous!"

The blood tests show that my ovaries are still producing estrogen and are "going strong." So I have two options --- have the ovaries removed or go through a series of shots every three months. The shots essentially put the ovaries "to sleep."

To be proactive, I have asked that they be removed. I am waiting for Dr. Hammond's office to call me with appointment information to meet with Dr. Ober at Exeter Hospital. When I meet with Dr. Ober we will schedule the surgery. Dr. Ober is a gynecologist and I believe is head of surgery for Exeter Hospital.

Dr. Hammond thought that having the ovaries removed and the implant done at the same time was an excellent idea.

Recuperation time should be rather quick. Dr. Hammond advised his wife had a very similar procedure and was up and around 4 days after surgery.

I think that's it for now. I want to cry --- I think out of some degree of relief that this will not be a full hysterectomy and maybe --- just maybe --- this is going to be behind me soon.

I'll add more later. The heat and humidity are too much for me right now!!

At some sort of peace.

Yesterday I found myself feeling complete.....at peace. Both emotionally and physically. That feeling has spilled over in to today. How long will it last? I don't know. But I'm enjoying it while I have it.

I'll try to explain....

Mind body and soul working together and feeling relaxed...in the moment....satisfied. Why? I don't know. How? I don't know that either.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hammond. We'll discuss the removal of my ovaries. I want to combine this procedure with having the implant placed in my left breast. My hope? Two out patient surgeries combined in one day and then a move forward toward a better life.

I have some serious fears which loom over me. The fear of dying. The fear of dying young....early I guess. Sooner then I deserve to and sooner then my son should have to face. I have recently become aware of several people who, after treatments, chemo, radiation, remission.....they are diagnosed again. After such a tough battle....it's not fair. I fear this is my fate.

Friday night when I was out with Nora, I shared with her what Dr. Marshall said to me 7 months ago when she completed my first ultrasound. I guess it's time to say it out loud...share it with people so they can understand my fears. Dr. Marshall said to me, just prior to my mom being brought into the examining room, "Doris you're not going to die from this. In 10 years, maybe, but not right now." Her words hang over my head....even when I'm at my best...I fear what is next. I wonder what my future holds.

Dr. Marshall can go to hell. I'm all done with her and I'll tell as many people as I can not to go to her. She's hardened by too many years of delivering bad news that somewhere along the line she lost her bedside manner...her caring....her sensitivity. And she made me feel like a statistic and in my heart and mind I don't know how to forgive that.

Let's change the topic shall we? Ok.

I lost 4 pounds last week - my first week on Weight Watchers. This week I lost .4 lbs (yes, that's a decimal in front of the 4!!!) But as my friend Lisa would say "A loss is a loss so be happy!" So I'm happy because 4.4 lbs less of my body weight is a great start.

Thanks for checking in. I will update my blog tomorrow when I get home from Dr. Hammond's office.

Doris

Update

Wow. I mean....wow. The 4th of July was good. Casual in the morning and then later I went to dinner with my mom. After that I went to see the movie Hancock with my friend Nora and then we went to IHOP for a snack.

I think in the past 2 years I have seen more movies in the theatre then I have in the past 20 years. I used to hate going to the movies. Now....I love it.

Today however was a different story. first let me say that I got home early last night - by 10. well, I have slept all day. I got up around 2pm to have something to eat and now at 8:30 I'm up to have something as well. Otherwise....I have been sleeping. I don't think I'm complaining....I guess my body needs it? So I'll try tomorrow to run some errands and get out of the apartment for awhile.

Tuesday I see Dr. Hammond. We will go over my lab work and discuss scheduling the removal of my ovaries. I am hopeful to combine that surgery with the change-out of my left tissue expander to an implant. It would be a great relief to combine the two.

I guess that's it for now. Oh - still wearing the headscarves....but probably not much longer :-)

Phew...no witnesses!!!

I just had to share this....because it was one of those things that you can't laugh at when it's happening, but boy was it funny.

Jake and I went grocery shopping after I picked him up tonight. So, when we got home he helped me carry in the groceries. He wanted the bag loops hung on his arms, which I did. He had a bag hanging from each arm and then exclaims "What else can I carry?! I'm a Christmas tree for Christ's sake!!!"

When I looked at him in absolute shock and asked "What did you just say?" He said "Uhm......I'm a Christmas tree?"

I'm so glad no one else heard it at the time.

Oh --- here's another one....I was checking out the rotisserie chicken at the grocery store and Jake said he had chicken last night and didn't want it again tonight. I said "Well, we'll fix you something else but mommy wants to have some chicken." At this point Jake was trying to change my mind about having chicken by announcing "Mommy that smells like RAT CHICKEN!!!" Where do they get this stuff? I was mortified. Luckily it didn't deter the guy who was standing by us who was also picking out his dinner.....

Anyway, I feel GREAT. I am sleeping well and my energy level is increasing. Work is going great as well. Thanks for checking in :-)