surgery day is getting closer. Today has been a rough day. I'm tired. Anxious. High strung (which means anxious really doesn't it?). I am now wondering why I started this blog. Did I do it for me? For those who care? For those who don't even know me? I don't know. Right now I feel alone, sad, scared. In a few days my physical appearance is going to change. What will I look like? What will I think of myself? What will others think of me? When they look at me...will they wonder what horrific scars lie underneath? Overdramatic? I don't think so. I think I'm just starting to put my true thoughts and feelings into words.
I have been inundated with medical terms and information for the last week and a half. I have books and information pamphlets to read. I have yet to touch them...except to move them out of my way. Why read them? I know what's going to happen. I'm going to be less...less of me.
I read this tonight and it seems to sum up things for me right now: "The worst scar cancer leaves is the one nobody can see - the damage done to your self image." I have already referred to myself as "damaged goods" to one guy. And because there is no one in my life to share this with, I feel especially empty because I'm missing that thing - that thing you get from a significant other and I think it is contributing to my sadness at moments like this.
Tomorrow is my last day at work. I feel like when I say good bye to people that it's permanent....I know that's wrong....it's just how I'm feeling.
Time for bed.
Doris
1 comment:
Doris,
Of course you feel sad and scared--it's surgery--but please don't feel alone! You have so many people thinking about you, ready to do anything for you. Putting your "true thougts and feelings into words"...Yeah, that's the real scary thing. So I'm putting this out there for you...Here's what I've always thought of you: strong, funny, smart, beautiful, great friend. Here's what I'll be think of you after the surgery: strong, funny, smart, beautiful, great friend. Ring me when you can. We have so much to talk about, and I need to hear your great laugh. Sleep well. Love, Nora
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