That describes how I'm feeling.
I have had Jake with me and as the weekend progressed I became more and more tired. I was able to take a break for a little while yesterday while my ex took him to a birthday party and then today I was able to get my niece to watch him for a couple of hours.
I found myself breaking down crying tonight and telling him that I was sorry....for not having a lot of energy and that I hoped he still had a good weekend. He hugged me and told me that he did have a good weekend and that everything was ok.
I am tired and emotional and although the chemo treatments are over, the side effects are not and that is what is bothering me. I am having a rough day. I know some of you will read this and tell me I'm being too hard on myself. But when I am on the phone with someone I shared 11 years of my life with and I am crying and that person offers no support whatsoever......it adds to the pain I am already feeling. It makes me feel so insignificant. It makes me angry.
It is a warm night and Jake won't go to sleep. Last night was a rough night too. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wish people would understand that sometimes....I feel like I'm stuck in the mud...going nowhere...while those around me continue to prosper....and I guess tonight I feel a great deal of resentment for that. I know this is not the way the rest of my life will be, but it is how I feel in this moment. And this moment really sucks.
Good night.
1 comment:
Doris, Jake hugged you. How lucky is that--that this boy who is part of you tells you everything is OK. You have him for life...and he seems wise and loving beyond his years already. He knows his mama--how lucky for him too. How lucky I am--you are a dear friend, who cries and gets angry every once in a while. But you also have a laugh that you could sell. So cry a little, or a lot. I'm sorry you're having a rough day. And your feelings, well they're part of you--never apologize for them. But insignificant? You? You, my dear, are the total opposite. You brighten any room you walk into--I hope you realize that. You light up more lives than you know with your writing. I read you and re-read you. As I said before, you give me strength. I think of you often, miss you a lot. I’m here for you whenever. Really. AML, Nora
Post a Comment