surgery day is getting closer. Today has been a rough day. I'm tired. Anxious. High strung (which means anxious really doesn't it?). I am now wondering why I started this blog. Did I do it for me? For those who care? For those who don't even know me? I don't know. Right now I feel alone, sad, scared. In a few days my physical appearance is going to change. What will I look like? What will I think of myself? What will others think of me? When they look at me...will they wonder what horrific scars lie underneath? Overdramatic? I don't think so. I think I'm just starting to put my true thoughts and feelings into words.
I have been inundated with medical terms and information for the last week and a half. I have books and information pamphlets to read. I have yet to touch them...except to move them out of my way. Why read them? I know what's going to happen. I'm going to be less...less of me.
I read this tonight and it seems to sum up things for me right now: "The worst scar cancer leaves is the one nobody can see - the damage done to your self image." I have already referred to myself as "damaged goods" to one guy. And because there is no one in my life to share this with, I feel especially empty because I'm missing that thing - that thing you get from a significant other and I think it is contributing to my sadness at moments like this.
Tomorrow is my last day at work. I feel like when I say good bye to people that it's permanent....I know that's wrong....it's just how I'm feeling.
Time for bed.
Doris
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Telling my little man...
Now that the plan is in place, it was time to tell my son that mommy has a boo boo. He was with his dad for two days, so I had time to think about things.
So tonight, I very casually told him that I had a boo boo and that while he is with his daddy I'm going in to the hospital to have the 'bad stuff' taken out.
He said "ok......then what?" and I said "I'll come back home and I'll ok." And he said "Ok" and as 6 years olds do so well....he moved on to the next subject!!! I am relieved.
On a side note - isn't it funny that 'boo boo' has the word "boob" in it???? LOL ;-)
Ok....I saw my Psychologist tonight. He's the best. I always walk away from his office feeling relatively "normal." Anyway, it's time to start taking better care of myself and move toward a healthy, active, focused, determined lifestyle. Yeah.....baby steps.....
Good night.
Doris
So tonight, I very casually told him that I had a boo boo and that while he is with his daddy I'm going in to the hospital to have the 'bad stuff' taken out.
He said "ok......then what?" and I said "I'll come back home and I'll ok." And he said "Ok" and as 6 years olds do so well....he moved on to the next subject!!! I am relieved.
On a side note - isn't it funny that 'boo boo' has the word "boob" in it???? LOL ;-)
Ok....I saw my Psychologist tonight. He's the best. I always walk away from his office feeling relatively "normal." Anyway, it's time to start taking better care of myself and move toward a healthy, active, focused, determined lifestyle. Yeah.....baby steps.....
Good night.
Doris
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Thank you
I slept right through all the incoming calls I received today. I am so appreciative of the outpouring of phone calls and emails. Thank you ALL for your kind words and support!! Please be patient with me, as I won't always be able to make all the return calls. But PLEASE keep the support coming!!! It is so helpful to me!!!
Doris
Doris
Surgery
I'm home today. I think the anxiety is causing me to feel ill. And my sleep has not been of good quality.
Anyway, I just talked to the hospital. My surgery is Monday, February 4th. I'll be getting info in the mail in the next day or two as far as check in time, etc.
It scares me to think that this is only an overnight stay and then I'll be home sometime on the 5th. But I guess that's how things are done these days.
That's it for now. I'm going back to bed for awhile.
Doris
Anyway, I just talked to the hospital. My surgery is Monday, February 4th. I'll be getting info in the mail in the next day or two as far as check in time, etc.
It scares me to think that this is only an overnight stay and then I'll be home sometime on the 5th. But I guess that's how things are done these days.
That's it for now. I'm going back to bed for awhile.
Doris
Monday, January 28, 2008
The plan...
Well, I spent several hours at the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital today. My mind is on information overload.
The MRI - or as I now like to refer to as the "torture chamber" (mind you, I NOW know that I am claustraphobic...) showed evidence of additional suspicious tissue in the left breast.
After meeting with all the members of the team, I decided to go with a mastectomy. Wow...I am getting a mastectomy.
I should get a phone call tomorrow morning with the date and time of my surgery. I am scared.
I'm going to bed early, as I have not been sleeping well.
My best to you,
Doris
The MRI - or as I now like to refer to as the "torture chamber" (mind you, I NOW know that I am claustraphobic...) showed evidence of additional suspicious tissue in the left breast.
After meeting with all the members of the team, I decided to go with a mastectomy. Wow...I am getting a mastectomy.
I should get a phone call tomorrow morning with the date and time of my surgery. I am scared.
I'm going to bed early, as I have not been sleeping well.
My best to you,
Doris
Sunday, January 27, 2008
My first blog...continued...
Ok - hi there - I'm Doris.
I'm 40, a divorced mom of a way-cool 6 year old son.
Here's my story....
About 2 months ago I noticed an "indentation" in my left breast. I found it 'odd' but did not think "the worst."
January 7th I saw my primary care physician Amy Coombs at Whole Life Health in Portsmouth. She did an exam and said she found something. A lump. A bump. Something.
January 17th I went to Women's Life Imaging in Somersworth for a mammogram and ultrasound. Was that the beginning of the end? It sure felt like it. Here's how it went:
Mammogram -- ouch (the 'lump' hurt!!!);
I sit in the waiting room holding on to my johnny for dear life so as not to flash any of the other women in the waiting area.
An ultrasound tech greets me and takes me to the next room for an ultrasound. I should have realized something was up.....she was vague and she told me that "the doctor" would be performing the ultrasound. A few moments later Dr. Marshall came in and introduced herself and got right to the work at hand. There was no sugar coating with this woman. She immediately started marking measurements on the ultrasounds and I asked if there was something there and she told me point blank that she would talk to me when she was done. I looked up at the screen and saw "IT"......one of three lumps that she detected.
When she was done she held my hand and told me I had breast cancer. I'm not so sure she should have done that. I mean.....was she God? She was playing God. Because someone of lessor faculties may have just gone home and shot themselves in the head or something. Without the proper tests, I should have remained calm. Instead, I was overrun by fear. This "doctor" made me think I was dying. She even said...nevermind...I don't want to go there.
So, on January 18th I saw Dr. Diane Palladino at the Exeter Hospital. She was wonderful, her staff was wonderful. I was with her for a few hours that day as she talked to me, asked questions of me, did an exam, then an ultrasound and then right on the spot she performed the necessary biopsies.
My sister's mother-in-law came with me. She's a rock. Both knowledgeable and calm. It was very helpful to have her there as a second set of ears so to speak, because as things went along, I found myself zoning out and having to ask her to repeat things.
Monday was a holiday - Civil Right's Day. I spent the three day weekend in a trance. On Tuesday I went back to Dr. Palladino and got my test results -- "Malignant Invasive Ductal Carcinoma." Two weeks ago I did not know what that was --- now I know that I have it and that 80% of those women diagnosed with 'breast cancer' have the same diagnosis.
So....let's see...where has it gone from there? Everything has been fast paced...CT Scan, Bone Scan and today a Breast MRI (yup, on a Sunday) that was hell. The purpose of these tests is to make sure the cancer is not in any other part of my body. Scared? Damn straight I am. Tomorrow I will go to work for a few hours and then return with my friend Tommie to the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital. Oh yeah - I also met with Dr. Kim Marble, a plastic surgeon, to discuss lumpectomies, mastectomies, implants and reductions. So yeah, it's been a busy week.
I guess that's it for this entry. I need to get some rest.
My best to you,
Doris
I'm 40, a divorced mom of a way-cool 6 year old son.
Here's my story....
About 2 months ago I noticed an "indentation" in my left breast. I found it 'odd' but did not think "the worst."
January 7th I saw my primary care physician Amy Coombs at Whole Life Health in Portsmouth. She did an exam and said she found something. A lump. A bump. Something.
January 17th I went to Women's Life Imaging in Somersworth for a mammogram and ultrasound. Was that the beginning of the end? It sure felt like it. Here's how it went:
Mammogram -- ouch (the 'lump' hurt!!!);
I sit in the waiting room holding on to my johnny for dear life so as not to flash any of the other women in the waiting area.
An ultrasound tech greets me and takes me to the next room for an ultrasound. I should have realized something was up.....she was vague and she told me that "the doctor" would be performing the ultrasound. A few moments later Dr. Marshall came in and introduced herself and got right to the work at hand. There was no sugar coating with this woman. She immediately started marking measurements on the ultrasounds and I asked if there was something there and she told me point blank that she would talk to me when she was done. I looked up at the screen and saw "IT"......one of three lumps that she detected.
When she was done she held my hand and told me I had breast cancer. I'm not so sure she should have done that. I mean.....was she God? She was playing God. Because someone of lessor faculties may have just gone home and shot themselves in the head or something. Without the proper tests, I should have remained calm. Instead, I was overrun by fear. This "doctor" made me think I was dying. She even said...nevermind...I don't want to go there.
So, on January 18th I saw Dr. Diane Palladino at the Exeter Hospital. She was wonderful, her staff was wonderful. I was with her for a few hours that day as she talked to me, asked questions of me, did an exam, then an ultrasound and then right on the spot she performed the necessary biopsies.
My sister's mother-in-law came with me. She's a rock. Both knowledgeable and calm. It was very helpful to have her there as a second set of ears so to speak, because as things went along, I found myself zoning out and having to ask her to repeat things.
Monday was a holiday - Civil Right's Day. I spent the three day weekend in a trance. On Tuesday I went back to Dr. Palladino and got my test results -- "Malignant Invasive Ductal Carcinoma." Two weeks ago I did not know what that was --- now I know that I have it and that 80% of those women diagnosed with 'breast cancer' have the same diagnosis.
So....let's see...where has it gone from there? Everything has been fast paced...CT Scan, Bone Scan and today a Breast MRI (yup, on a Sunday) that was hell. The purpose of these tests is to make sure the cancer is not in any other part of my body. Scared? Damn straight I am. Tomorrow I will go to work for a few hours and then return with my friend Tommie to the Multi-Disciplinary Breast Clinic at Exeter Hospital. Oh yeah - I also met with Dr. Kim Marble, a plastic surgeon, to discuss lumpectomies, mastectomies, implants and reductions. So yeah, it's been a busy week.
I guess that's it for this entry. I need to get some rest.
My best to you,
Doris
My first blog...
I actually just had to drag my cursor over the clock on my laptop to check the date. Since January 17th, the past 10 days have been a blur.
I have just started this blog, so I'm going to occupy a little of my time by making the page pretty for those who view it. Then, I'll return to provide more information about my recent diagnosis.
My best to you,
Doris
I have just started this blog, so I'm going to occupy a little of my time by making the page pretty for those who view it. Then, I'll return to provide more information about my recent diagnosis.
My best to you,
Doris
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