It's all good....I think

Hello -- I'm settling in for an evening of Scooby Doo followed by ICarly with my son. He enjoyed a full day at NHIS yesterday with 2 of his aunts and 3 of his cousins. I was stunned that when they finally did come home, it was because one of his aunts had a sore back...and NOT because the lil' guy was wiped out!!!

His Aunt Janet said "What was your favorite part of the day?" and with a huge toothless grin he said "The whole entire thing!!!"

Anyway, I'm doing well. Each time I return to work it is a little bumpy. Sometimes it's me...sometimes it's not. But all in all I survived the three day work week and I feel good...mentally and physically. My only physical complaint would be that I don't have a live-in chiropractor, but that's ok.

To all of you (geez you'd think I had 100's reading my blog - don't worry I'm not getting cocky) who are now on summer vacation from RHS, please know that I REALLY miss seeing all of you and I look forward to the end of August - even if you're not!!! :-)

I signed up for Weight Watchers Online last Monday so next Monday is my first weigh in. If you know me...you'll know NOT to approach me and ask how it's going. Just wait and see, as the proof will show in due time. I know one thing for sure - I was a raging bitch Thursday night - a direct result of watching what I eat. Makes me grumpy at first. But I'll get over it.

I have a question. Seriously. I have about a half inch of fuzzy hair. I'm personally ready to face the world without a head scarf....but is the world going to accept me? Please let me know your thoughts.

Goodnight.

p.s.

My hair is growing back.....it's super soft and I look like a fuzzy duckling!!

And one more thing I've learned to appreciate this week..........Men's diving in the Olympic Trials...damn...... ;-)

Being appreciative.

I'm 41 years old and I'm learning to be appreciative. I'll explain more in a minute.

So last week they removed 100cc's of fluid from my tissue expander. They asked me at the time if I felt better from it and at the time I said "uhm..no." But I have realized that now I feel more in proportion and less 'heavy' on the left side.

So....I've realized my appreciation for my son, my job, my co-workers and my friends. To appreciate is to realize their importance and enjoy them.

I head back to work tomorrow. Isn't it ironic that I had my best night's sleep last night and feel my best today? I can't wait to get back to work!!! I appreciate my job.

Thanks for checking in,
Doris

Oops, sorry :-)

I guess I forgot to follow up on Thursday's appointment at Dr. Marble's (thanks Bea!!!)

I went in for 9:30 a.m. and was greeted by a Nurse Practitioner (how horrible is it that her name completely escapes me right now???). Along with her was Sue LaFlamme, Dr. Marble's Medical Assistant. Shortly after, arrived Dr. Marble.

Now, Sue and Dr. Marble are like long time friends to me. They hug me when they see me, they ask me about how I'm doing and how my life is going....they don't just care about "Doris the Patient"...they care about "Doris....the human being." And I think it's fair to say that is exactly how all the staff at Exeter Hospital has treated me.

Anyway, the four of us began talking and the next thing I know I'm pulling my shirt up over my head for them to check out my scars, etc., and my head scarf came off with it....and I was embarassed for a brief moment. But the three of them told me that I looked great and that I shouldn't even bother wearing the scarves anymore. Sue specifically was very complementary. But I said "Sue...I look sick. I don't want people to see me like this and say 'That woman is sick' or...'that woman must have cancer." Sue just gave me a look...she didn't say anything...just gave me a look of "Oh puh-lease girlfriend!"

Anyway, they had a little trouble locating the spot where they insert the needle to draw out the fluid (of course...I mean....it couldn't have gone smoothly could it??!) So although the Nurse Practitioner was supposed to do the procedure, Dr. Marble ended up doing it. It went pretty quickly and was painless, as I have no feeling or sensation on my left side whatsoever.

I told them that Dr. Hammond wants to remove my ovaries and that it will most likely be done laporscopicly. Dr. Marble said that I can have the tissue expander in the left breast switched out for the permanent implant at the same time that I am under anesthesia for the ovary removal.

Let's see....where did the discussion go from there....oh yes - Dr. Marble said I would need to have a consult with a Ob/Gyn Surgeon in order to get my ovaries removed at Exeter Hospital. I am looking in to seeing Dr. Ober.

Today I ended up back at the Oncology office. I met with Judy - a Nurse Practitioner at Dr. Hammond's office. It essentially became more of a therapy session then anything and I left feeling a bit better. You see, I had called the office Sunday night in tears to tell them that I just wasn’t feeling well and I wanted to have someone call me back on Monday. My symptoms/complaints:
1. Loss of feeling in many of my toes;
2. Extreme neck and head pain (muscular);
3. Hot flashes;
4. Dizzy spells;
5. Poor quality sleep/lethargic.

I think there’s more, but it escapes me right now.

Anyway, Judy suggested that I get moving – literally. Start walking, join Weight Watchers (I had been toying with the idea but had been procrastinating), start taking Vitamin D, Calcium Citrate and another supplement which I’ll have to get the name of. She said my test results showed I’m slightly anemic as well and she encouraged me to see my Chiropractor for the head and neck pain which I did right after I left her office.

Fast fact --- losing excess body weight reduces your chances of breast cancer by 26%.

So….tomorrow I’ll go grocery shopping and work on a better lifestyle.

There was something Judy said today that really hit me hard……as she sat there with me listening to my every word, she put her hand on my knee and said “You see….since January we have been taking care of your health for you Doris. Now it’s time for you to start taking care of yourself. I know that we women have a hard time doing that because we put everyone else first….but it’s time for you to put yourself first.”

Well, I’ve written enough for tonight. I’ll proofread this tomorrow.

Thanks for checking in.
Doris

Update

Not much to report. Migraines are kicking my ass. Weather related? Who knows.

Today I have had some much-enjoyed energy and after sleeping in late and watching some quality LMN movies (lol!) I have started some much needed cleaning around the apartment. Nothing crazy, but enough for me to feel some accomplishment today, which I enjoy.

I'm really not in a social mood, nor do I even really know what to write right now. I struggle a lot with my own feelings and thoughts and I guess this is one of those moments.

If you are a co-worker of mine whom I will not see for the next 8 weeks....please know that even though I won't be there to wish you a good summer and give you a goodbye hug, you are all in the my thoughts and I truly miss being at work.

Time for another ice pack to the head. Ya know.....a former co-worker who I now call friend (she will remain nameless at this time) told me that after having her ovaries removed her migraines stopped.....could I be so lucky? A life without migraines....I can't imagine it.

Oh a couple of quick notes ---- I am experiencing some dizzy spells and I have been experiencing brutal hot flashes. Anyone with advice or insight - please send it along.

Thanks,
Doris

Just another day.

Wanted to send an update and just let everyone know I'm doing ok. I'm following Dr. Hammond's instructions and resting and taking it as easy as possible. Thursday morning I'm going to Dr. Marble's office to have 100 cc's of fluid removed from the tissue expander in my left breast. It was originally put in because there was a possibilty I may have needed radiation and radiation shrinks tissue. So....because I don't need radiation, now I can get some fluid removed and maybe I won't feel so self conscious. The size difference between the right and left breast has made me very, very self conscious. I think I just repeated myself....anyway......

I saw my therapist last night and it is always refreshing to have a positive visit with someone who gets paid to tell you if you're virtually normal or not. I think I have mentioned in the past that I always leave his office feeling better and acknowleding to myself that everything is going to be o.k. He did touch on one thing that helps in my reasoning through some recent emotions. He told me that essentially I was beginning to get on track with moving forward as a single mom and holding my own, but that my diagnosis in January essentially has caused some resentment and frustration to return. But guess what? He said things are going to get better for me eventually!! Yahoo!!! lol!!! I mean....I sure hope he's right! (No pressure Dr. S!!).

I guess that's it for now. Oh wait....I got the most incredible delivery today. My co-workers from RHS sent me a totally self-indulgent gift from 1800flowers. Body lotions, foot lotion, shower gels....the works! And guess what? One complete set is Chocolate and Cocoa scented!!!!! YUM!!!! I have developed a bond with people that I can say I have lacked in the past. Friends mean more to me....co-workers have become friends....my family (immediate and extended) are of great value to me...and you have all helped me to keep my chin up and I thank you and love you all for that.

p.s. I can NOT wait to get back to work!!!!

Doris

I guess I should learn to trust my instincts.

My visit with Dr. Hammond today comes down to this:
*I am out of work for 2 weeks because of exhaustion.
*July 8th after 2 weeks of R&R and 2 weeks back to work, I meet with him again to schedule the removal of my ovaries.

There were a couple of medicinal options for my type of cancer with regard to follow up treatments but the most successful being a combination of hormone therapy and removal of the ovaries.

Because my type is 'estrogen receptive', he needs my body to stop producing estrogen and therefore the cancer cells can't produce.

I knew something was wrong. I mean, as far as the exhaustion thing. But I was trying to ignore my body. Recently I have felt like a robot, going through the motions of getting up, going to work, coming home, hanging out and going to bed. It was like a ritual. And if anything got in the way of that ritual I couldn't focus or 'handle' the changes.

So when I first went into the exam room and Tracy (Dr. Hammond's nurse) asked how I was and I reluctantly said "Uhm...ok" she immediately became concerned and from there, Dr. Hammond did as well. I told them I never feel rested, that I am having severe headaches that no medication is relieving and I am depressed.

So I'm on Vicodin for the headache pain. We'll see if it works. Dr. Hammond also told me that I need 5 good solid nights of 12 to 14 hours of sleep per night for my body to recuperate. He added that depression after chemo is very common because the patient feels they are no longer actively treating the cancer.

I'm sorry - I know this blog must be jumping all over the place. I'm tired. My head is throbbing and my eyes are swollen from crying. I dare say I'm more upset right now about being out of work then I am about the next stage of treatment.

Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.

Doris

Hangin' in there.

Jake and I had a good weekend. I was really run down, but was able to keep him entertained and overall it went really well.

I suffered all weekend from one hell of a headache and I still have it. I think it's a sinus infection. Otherwise, the A/C is on and I'm going to get to bed early.

Tomorrow I see Dr. Hammond. I'm excited but nervous. I'll have blood work and then we'll discuss what is going to happen next.

I'll follow up.

Doris

Please bear with me.

If you've called, sent an email or mailed me a card, and have not heard from me.....please bear with me. I find myself turning inward and reducing my contact with people. Please do not take this personally. I am tired and emotional and the two combined make for a stressed out Doris.

Keep the support coming --- I continue to need it and continue to appreciate it!

Love,
Doris

Not so good...

That describes how I'm feeling.

I have had Jake with me and as the weekend progressed I became more and more tired. I was able to take a break for a little while yesterday while my ex took him to a birthday party and then today I was able to get my niece to watch him for a couple of hours.

I found myself breaking down crying tonight and telling him that I was sorry....for not having a lot of energy and that I hoped he still had a good weekend. He hugged me and told me that he did have a good weekend and that everything was ok.

I am tired and emotional and although the chemo treatments are over, the side effects are not and that is what is bothering me. I am having a rough day. I know some of you will read this and tell me I'm being too hard on myself. But when I am on the phone with someone I shared 11 years of my life with and I am crying and that person offers no support whatsoever......it adds to the pain I am already feeling. It makes me feel so insignificant. It makes me angry.

It is a warm night and Jake won't go to sleep. Last night was a rough night too. I'm not looking for sympathy. I just wish people would understand that sometimes....I feel like I'm stuck in the mud...going nowhere...while those around me continue to prosper....and I guess tonight I feel a great deal of resentment for that. I know this is not the way the rest of my life will be, but it is how I feel in this moment. And this moment really sucks.

Good night.